So. Electricity here is 220. Computers just arrived from the U.S.? 110. PSU go pop. My ears struggle from compression wave. I need to get PSU repaired.
Nose has been bleeding a lot. Dry air plus my bad nose... not a good combination.
I have a great sense of peace about being here now. That's been huge for me lately.
I finished Hunters today. Or maybe it was Sandworms. Either way, the book discussed in the earlier post.
And I was right. My gosh. It's like the writers didn't read DUNE or decided that one of the things which seemed to me to be Frank Herbert's ENTIRE POINT in writing the series was not worthwhile. Major characters and their deaths were totally wasted, instead of treating them like FH did (end of Children of Dune, Emperor of Dune, or Chapterhouse, anyone?), the characters are just... wasted. And why did you lobotomize Teg and Duncan? Or Sheeana. Or even Bellonda and Murbella, for that matter? I'm sorry, but FH's characters were not that stupid. Argh. I guess I'm just not the audience for the book, but that was a waste of my money. I should have just read them from the library.
Sigh. New people got here today. We played some ball. I am out of shape.
Frank Herbert's DUNE is one of my favorite books. Yes, there is some crazy stuff in there, but when you combine it with the next two books, it becomes more and more brilliant. Personally, I enjoy all of the first six books in the series, and don't have the distaste that some DUNE fans do for 4, 5, and 6.
I'll even say about some of the new series that Frank Herbert's son Brian, and Kevin J. Anderson, that it wasn't bad. The "House" prequels and the Butlerian sequence weren't bad. They weren't Dune and they messed around with some of the mythos, but they were not bad, if read as adventure novels set in the Dune universe, not Dune books.
The latest series, Sandworms of Dune and Hunters of Dune? I'm sorry Mr. Herbert and Mr. Anderson, but I think they are rubbish. Now, I admit that I haven't finished Hunters yet, so maybe I'm judging too early, but, is this really what Frank Herbert intended? I'd pay good money to get a released, unedited copy of *his* notes for Dune 7 to find out how much of this you've invented to use characters from your other books, and what exactly his ideas for the Enemy and the Face Dancers, Futars, and most importantly to me, Idaho, Bashar Teg and the No Ship crew were. The only part that I can see that would have come from FH is the explanation of the Honored Matres, that sounds FH. The rest of it, with Omnius? Erk. The Teg/Idaho/Teg parts of Heretics and Chapterhouse were my favorite, and you've failed to recapture that in Sandworms and Hunters. And what's up with Murbella? She's so far from Odrade or Jessica that I have no idea how she would possibly hold this merged organization together, because she's one dimensional and transparent.
Sigh. I got that off my chest. I feel better now. I can't wait to finish this book so I can find out how you tie the Overmind into the Golden Path.
So I think there is an impending correlation between disenfranchised supporters of Henry the VIIth and the near-apocalyptic literature coming from Laotian fishermen. Perhaps there might also be a smattering of monochromatic Stygian paintings with supply-side economics circling the sidecar.
I've been kind of busy, trying to get my IT stuff started running well for next year. We haven't had lots of people on campus so far, but that will change soon. My jet lag isn't too bad, compared to other times. I got 6.5 hours of sleep last night! Yay!
I'm trying to think of mean things to do for hazing for the new people. Does this make me over the top?
I've been Reading and wondering some lately about how do we pursue that which we have an intellectual knowledge of but don't seem to quite have the visceral understanding of.
Ah.
I'm back in the 'Stan.
I told D this morning that every other time I've come into the country after a summer or xmas break, I've been freaked out or stressed out about coming back in. This time I was excited. I am so excited for what is going to be done this time around. I'm really going to miss D for the first month while she's still in the U.S., and there are some other things to be uncertain about, but I'm really excited to see what is going to happen here. Not just with the political situation, but in the lives of people I know.
Jet lag is making me fuzzy, so I'm going to try to do some physical projects, moving and rearranging things various places, mainly so I stay awake. Because I can feel that state being... slippery right now.
Oh, and I want to lose 5 pounds of fat in the next month. I'm hoping to get myself into some kind of routine.
Back again. No more detours.
I find watching people in airports interesting.
I also find the third watch of the day intriguing.
So, I'm in Hot-lanta. And it is hot!
I'm on the way out. I fly to Athens first, then on to Dubai, then the 'Stan. My last leg should be quick. Lots of great things from the U.S., but I won't bore you with lots of out-of-context stories. Yesterday, I left my family and today, I left my girlfriend and then I'll leave my homeland. That's what happens in life, I guess, so I guess I have to get used to it. But I know that my Home is somewhere I'll never ever leave.
I think the truth of the life I live is this - I am to be used where I am to go. So I just look for the way to be used.
I had a really great with with D. We had fun visiting her friends and being with her family. We hung out and enjoyed each other and had some really great conversations. We both said it's great how well we get along since we do spend so much time together.
My trip continues. I decided to make the drive to see my grandpa after I ended my time with D and her family, so I'm at my uncle's house. Going to be with grandpa tomorrow morning after a short visit earlier tonight, then head back out. Assuming that the shock which went out on my car (electrifyingly enough) is able to get fixed straight away tomorrow.
What if you heard that peace is real? What if I told you there was a better way? Would you come Home if you knew the way?
Spending time with D where she went to college. Meeting peoples' friends is always interesting. I wonder how we get to be friends some times. I wonder if things will ever change. It's something how I've come to look at things through different eyes. It's also interesting how much growth it would take me to be able to live somewhere like here. I'm far more introverted than some people realize, I think sometimes, and it would take growth to be able to live here.
Been pondering that even when evil is used for good, it still has to be punished.
A new thing which has come into my mind is how sometimes I look back in wonder and I think to myself, "Where'd you go?" Being here with D where she went to college makes me wonder how my life could have been different, but isn't. I find new face and new freshness in the reality that I am here, not there, but here. And I was led here, though it may not have been what was intended from the start, it is where I am.
My knee is getting better. I went down on rollerblades the other day. I ran this A.M., though, so good sign there.
We're spending time with D's family and friends. They are a rather enjoyable bunch, and they put up with me pretty well, which I like.
After Meeting on Sunday, D and I got to go for a walk and talk about what we heard. That was really great.
I think a lot about all the different ways I am blessed. Health, wealth, great family, great job, great girlfriend. All good things. But I don't think often enough about all the other ways that I am blessed. And those are even better.
Good news. It's not about forever later, it's about forever today.
We went to a carnival last night. And rode on a super turbo ferris wheel, plus a super slide, plus a ride where there is a central pillar with arms having cars at the end, which you are then propelled circularly around the central pillar and, once reaching a good rate of speed, then the arms begin to raise and lower. I almost got sick.
I've been really pushing numerous people that I have seen since returning to consider going overseas, whether to the 'Stan or to another place, and I would like to continue that challenge to those who read this blog.
Also been thinking about how I present myself to the One, as I don't want to proclaim my name in His presence, but instead want to come forth in humility.
We went to the garden of eden today. Highlights included Eve's hips, and the tour guide, "Why would you want to port your potty?" and...
Other Guest is it like a sauna in there?
Nara It's about a 9 on the portapotty scale.
Other Guest ...
So, jetlag. I had been doing OK until yesterday, then I took a nap during a movie then a little longer, so then I woke up at 3:50. Yay. That's OK, I've got electricity at least, eh?
Fourth of July was fun, I only almost killed myself once, so that was a plus. I'm kind of staying lazy, not really doing a whole lot. I am planning to run every morning, and that should help me be a little more in shape and have a little more energy. I got new running shoes the morning I got back so I could go run. I like running.
I'm pathetic. But I'm excited get to see D in 3 days!
So. We are out of the 'Stan. After a three and a half hour delay, a flight with no food, we are in the hot, sticky-ness of Dubai. We fly to Moscow next, then to Atlanta, then to KC. And then I'll fly onto the folks from there.
We did get to go through the new airport terminal flying out, but some minister came in while we were waiting, so we had to go out and get re-screened. It was kind of ridiculous, like I said we waited for 3 and a half hours, including half on the ground.
But, now, after getting supper, we are going to make a quick shopping trip into Dubai, then back to the airport to fly out. We are going to have fun on this trip, no matter what it takes. That is why I brought my friendly lemur companion. D has already had it bite my nose a couple times.
It was kind of sad to leave the summer school kids today. I did get mob-hugged by a bunch of the 1-3 grade boys, which was interesting.
D's legs and feet are really hurting, so please Remember them for the rest of our... 24 hour trip. Thanks!
... and what a great victory it is.
So yesterday we prowled around the new house on campus which is still under construction. I had to jump onto the wall since they had locked the compound, so that was fun. It's going to be a nice place. I won't live there, but it will be nice for whoever moves in.
Two more days here. I'm not going to get my new computer lab all fixed, which is a little disappointing but I just can't get it all wired. Oh well.
We're coming up on the last week of summer school, and my last week before heading out of the country for my summer vacation in the U.S. It's been a pretty good couple of weeks, I haven't gotten as much done as I should have, but that's OK. I've had a good time, but I'm ready to go.
Today, I played volleyball twice, once in the morning with a fun group, and once in the evening with a different, also fun group. I hung out with D (kneading bread!) and got some work done in my office.
I'm getting close to knowing that I know less than I thought I ever wanted to.
Ah, the interesting things that happen in life - the sometimes seemingly random connections. D and I went over to eat with a family tonight, D works with the mom at her job, and we were discussing life histories. It turns out that I know some people that she went to college with! Halfway 'round the world, and you run into people that you have mutual friends with. It's strange.
Summer school is going pretty well, although I still struggle with how to work with the Planets, the youngest kids. At least the Stars (1st-3rd grade) and I get along great!
It's time to visit the planetarium.
More of life. Summer school is going well, although I never quite know how I'm going to get through half an hour with the Planets (the pre-k through K group). Kind of been on a cleaning/moving spree everywhere - I'm a third moved into my new office, and now have to wait for the maintenance guys to move into my old office so I can move the rest of the way into my new office. D and I cleaned out her kitchen and got rid of a bunch of old food and spices. And I rearranged and cleaned up my room. We're just a clean happy group here!
Well.
One week of summer school is done. Two more! And no more math for Mr. Newcomer!
D and I rearranged her house's living room, and it looks really nice. So we had people over for supper and ordered delivery. It was nice.
I am tired. So I'm going to bed.
Russ
Day 4 of summer school is done. Today was also my last day having to teach math to 4th-6th graders. Yay! Now it's just PE for Russ. So I'll have to plan PE better now. Oh well. It's summer school PE. Tomorrow is easy because it's Dodgeball day! Actually, I take it back - it's easy for the 1st-6th graders. It's pretty hard for the pre-K and Kindergarten students.
I'm working more on getting the computer lab moved. It's exciting. They're working on the power and we'll get network cable ran soon. There is more room in the lab than we had drawn up, so the lab will be nice and spacious.
I played volleyball for two hours tonight with our national staff against our guard force. It was pretty fun. I can count lots better in the local language now, I think. I had some pretty nice blocks, and a couple of decent spikes. Some of our guards were really good.
D and I went out to eat with some of our friends to a local restaurant. It was fun. It was nice to have enough people to go out with - D and I can't really go out by ourselves to local restaurants, so this was the first time we had gone and sat down at this particular one. It was good.
Tomorrow is movie night! And I'll probably start moving more of my office tomorrow.
Ah, summer.
The kids are gone for another few days, school is out, and I have been busy. I've been wrapping up the end of the school year tasks (computer returns, clearing out old accounts, some very minor infrastructure things) and then I've been working on the old/new computer lab. I wrote up a proposal that my bosses accepted to move our computer lab from 17 to 24 computers, and from our current small lab to a larger room downstairs. So I cleared out the old lab, and then over the next few weeks as painting and infrastructure work gets finished, I'll move the lab downstairs. I'm pretty excited about that.
After I get the lab moved out of my office, I get to start moving into my new office! Our key network infrastructure, server, battery-backup system, backbone switch, firewall, and satellite connection, is spread across two adjacent rooms, a server/storage room and the maintenance office. We're going to consolidate the equipment into one room, and then move my office into the other room, and move the maintenance guys to my office (which is next door to the existing rooms). So after the lab is moved, and a couple cabinets are moved to the new lab, I'll start moving my stuff to the server/storage room, then after I leave the maintenance guys can move their stuff to their new office. Then when I come back, I'll move the server and set up my new office.
I'm helping with summer school, serving as PE teacher and helping with other classes also. It's up to Grade 6, so we should have a good crew and a good time. D is still working, and we'll leave together the first part of July.
Yesterday was a sad day - the first of my closer friends here left, not to return next year. Other friends left as well, and that's sad. D and my closest friend here is leaving on Sunday, and that will probably be the saddest day. That's one of the hardest things about the way my life is currently - people keep leaving. Even though there are ways in our modern world to stay connected, it's still sad when they leave.
I need to get back to work now, but I hadn't posted a substantial update for a while, and I figured it was time.
So, there is only one half day left in the school year. It definitely feels different than last year. Since I'm staying to help with summer school until July 1st (and spend time with D, who doesn't finish her contract until then either), I'm not part of the imminent countdown everyone else has. That makes their countdown a little annoying, but I deal.
Tonight, D and I babysat for my neighbors, our science teacher and his wife, since we won't get to see their kids for a couple months with the summer and their staying in the states a little longer for their new addition to join the family. We had a great time. Two great moments - once when the three year old girl just started telling me part of the Story, and another when I tried to explain to the seven year old why staring at bright lights was bad for you, and why staring at the distant sun was worse than the nearby ceiling light.
I'm a little stressed, but I know I'll make it through these next few days until the majority of people leave. Then it'll be time for summer school. I haven't really even planned anything for that. I'm doing PE. Our summer program is half day, and has a space theme, so probably instead of Trees we'll play Asteroid Fields, and instead of freeze-tag, we'll play gravity-tag.
I am more and more reminded that I need to GROW. Not just to be who I was, but to change to what I need to be. I'm really not all that spectacular of a person right now, but I should be. All glories to the King on the Throne.
What can we find in the simplicity of a wall? Not always the quiet that we want, but often the comfort that we need. Sheltering and protecting us, insulating us from the world around, and often far finer than the world around, it can be a comfort and a hindrance.
With everything in life, the key is balance. I'm trying to balance my life right now with not looking forward too much, but staying in the footsteps of heroes.
Please Remember the last week of school, and that we would get everything accomplished as a school that we need to.
I'm alive, but I'm tired. I'm green, but I've seen more than I want to. I'm restless, but I'm going to be here a while.
It's dark, it's warm and it's cool, it's bright. Louder than the storm. Louder than the hurricane.
Ah, graduation.
Transition.
Change.
Things fundamental to the lifestyle I feel called to, and yet, that doesn't mean that I necessarily like them, even though I want them to happen. So it took me another few minutes to figure out what I wanted to say here. And I still don't have it. I guess I have a love/hate relationship with change: I like new things and I like being comfortable in how things are.
So during graduation today, we had a person with deputy in their official title speaking when... the sound board suddenly powered off. As the sound guy who had arrived at 7:00 A.M. and had made sure everything was rock solid, I was surprised. I quickly checked power, and it was working. I checked the board, and it was not exhibiting strange behaviors. I had brought a good amount of spares and backups, but I didn't have a backup board. Argh. Checked power again, and noted the that the breaker on the powerstrip to the board was popped out. Popped it back in, and we were up and running again. Objective time off - perhaps 15 seconds. Subjective time off - 203 hours. Oh well.
I just want to take this blog opportunity to tell you that I have a successful and attractive girlfriend who I like. Also, our relationship is based on food.
Excuse me for not posting a lot recently. It's the end of the semester, and I'm getting crunched with some projects.
On the plus side, I think I may be getting some things figured out.
It's been an... exhausting couple of days. Lots of good things, but lots of exhaustion.
Today was supposed to be the high school musical concert on campus. Right after I got all the sound gear set up for the outdoor concert, we had a dust storm. So I took out cable connections, closed up cases, etc. Just in time for the start of the short but torrential downpour of rain. So we had to emergenciarily (which is a good word I just made up) took the stuff inside, and some of the 7th graders helping didn't have quite the care I could have wished. Oh well. I just have to spend tomorrow setting everything back up for the rain date.
There's been some other stuff going on with students that I've gotten pulled into which I haven't exactly been thrilled about, but what can you do?
I've also had some really good meetings with my new boss, which has been encouraging.
And tomorrow, I get to have a date with a pretty girl!
Today was another day. I had 5th and 6th grade boys basketball, and I get so frustrated at them sometimes because the boys can be so contrary and frustrating. And then there's the kid who works hard at what I ask them to do, obviously improves over the course of the hour we're there, and makes me feel OK about myself as a semi-coach.
I did one of my semi-favorite things tonight. I closed the curtains, turned out the lights, and listened to music in the dark. It makes me feel alone and yet really not, and He takes away some of my madness when I do.
Yet.
I can get worn down by longer and longer days here.
I find that a simple thing keeps me grounded and able to lift my hands and my head up. I just think about what I can see that is absolutely amazing. When I think about gravity, when I think about trees, electrical conductivity, bacteria, I am amazed. Amazed that all this could exist for us, amazed that the blindfold has been taken off of me a little bit.
I really could use your Remembrance for knowing how to be here and be strength for the people around me, especially D. My role here, in so many things, is not direct work but support, and I find that especially true right now in my relationship with her. Please also Remember me during what is probably 'tonight' for most people reading this, because I'm leading our brief weekly team focus meeting tomorrow. I really want to be an encouragement to those around me.
Well.
I got sick last night. Slept barely 3 hours. Couldn't keep anything in. Feeling better today, but still... not all here. I had been wanting to lose some weight, though. I managed to go to meeting this morning, but sat in the dark mostly not-awake for about 2.5 hours this afternoon.
The next few weeks just aren't going to let up. But that's what I am here for, I suppose. That, or to be reliable in being reliably unreliable.
One of my buddies is coming over in a couple minutes, and we're going to play some Total Annihilation. We've both been geeked about this for a couple days. It's nice to know that in many ways, I don't change.
I really need to learn the language here. But I am going to have to dedicate time to do it, and I just can't, especially because I'm doing too much else.
The last two days were spent, in large part, running tech for the drama class performances. They turned out far better than I expected.
I also spent time with D listening to Odyssey and watching Mulan. Yes, you did read that right. I had a good time.
I've been reading about the start of the new. And there are things in there that I would not have thought about if I hadn't been in this cultural context. It's been good.
I have something interesting on the way.
So.
As my days grow longer (the sun comes up earlier and stays up later), I grow more and more tired of all the different things that struggle with. I grow tired and impatient of the difficulties in living with and interacting with humans. I cannot put away the childish things that I have grow up in as easily as I would like.
I wonder if ever else than coming here would I have found myself in the position of wanting to walk out on myself. I am not entirely sure that my back is going straighten without a crack or a hitch. All part of getting older, I suppose. I can't climb back into the skin I shed.
I don't need a mountain moved. I just need what it would take to do that.
This is going to be a long three weeks between performances I have to help with, the sun stealing my sleep, my own anxieties. They all say I'm doing fine. I'm a liar. Still, I just wish that I could say it's alright, but I can't make it right.
Ok, in all honesty, not one thing but a bunch of things.
The Royals are well above .500 at this point in the season. How did that happen? I read an article one time by one of the sabermetrics guys where he said, in baseball, you basically figure that you're going to win 1/3rd of your games, you're going to lose 1/3rd of your games, and you have to figure out how to win those toss up games. It's generally true in higher level baseball. Only an absolutely horrific team ends up under .300 and only a stellar team ends up close to .700
I played Frisbee yesterday - I hadn't gone to a Friday in a long time, and it was really good. I needed it, and I'm glad I chose to go. I got on a good team, and I wasn't anywhere close to being the best player on the team, which is always a plus for me. We ended up winning both games we played, which also made me happy.
I really dig the new As Cities Burn album.
My girlfriend is beautiful and wonderful.
The weather here is getting nicer. At the same time, we've had the wettest spring that's been had here in at least 5 years, which is a huge boon to this country. It's been close to drought levels for 5 years, and so this rain is wonderful. This country needed it, and it has been provided.
Time zones here are weird to this American used to daylight savings times. It gets light around 4:40. So when I wake up at 5:47, it's like waking up at 7:17 in the U.S, as far as being light is concerned.
I just got the new As Cities Burn album, courtesy of a really cool girlfriend. I really like this album so far. I've listened through it a couple times, and it's great. It's also something I can listen to at work, since it's not too rocky, which is also a plus.
I played basketball for a while this morning. I'm improving slowly and slowly.
I had a great date with my gorgeous girlfriend last night.
Things are.
600.
I've posted 600 times on this blog.
This is actually post number 601.
I've been getting frustrated lately, and I need to break that cycle. It gets difficult for me, because there are some things that I can't control, and some things that just won't seem to change, and other things in me that refuse to make the change. I've been frustrated by myself, by others, by situations. I need to focus on and find the calm that is readily available to me if I just Seek it rightly.
I won't mask it, fact of the matter is, this is a hard place to live life. Even with a sense of purpose in being here, even with good co-workers, even with an incredible girlfriend, this is a hard place to live. If I had no sense of calling to this place, I would bail. I would leave. But I'm supposed to be here. And as much as I may not like it at times, I still have to be here.
Tomorrow, there's an elementary music program. That I'm supposed to run sound for. That I have been told basically nothing about. I really hope I can pull it off OK.
D got me an iTunes gift certificate for my birthday, so I'm getting new music. I'm definitely getting As Cities Burn's recent album, and probably the new mewithoutyou when it comes out next tuesday. I so love getting new music. I'm thinking about Dave Crowder too...
I've been reading a book by a well known author from Minneapolis, it's his latest, talking about spectacular sins. There's a lot in there I'm trying to understand, but it's a hard read in a lot of ways.
And I get to go on a date with a gorgeous girl tomorrow. This reminds me that I am blessed beyond what I deserve.
My birthday, then. It was yesterday. I had a good time. I spent time with D, I relaxed, we listened to Odyssey, I played video games, then we went out to eat and had probably our most successful date ever. D had one of our friends do up her hair really amazingly, which was a plus.
So, life here coasts along. I really need to strive for excellence in everything that I do, rather than just let it coast.
Oh, and the Cavs over the Lakers in 6.
D and I played a fun game the other night. It was called, "D guesses what song iTunes DJ is playing." She can do some of the songs with artist, song title, and album name in two seconds or less. I can do that with one or two. She did it with a lot. She's pretty talented.
Welp, I haven't been getting work done well, and I've been struggling to get along with some of my co-workers. I guess that's the way it goes when you live together and work together with people whose personalities don't line up with yours.
In other news....
We had a day off yesterday, celebrating yet another national holiday. We were on lockdown, and so couldn't go anywhere.
Still, it managed to be a good day.
I slept in a little, helped D do some work, had pizza, goofed off, played volleyball for a while, went to a cook out, did some more work, and then sat and held my pretty girlfriend's hands. It was a good day.
I'm really struggling to get work that I need to get done done of late, so I'm hoping I can start reversing the trend today.
There is nothing left to say of consequence.
I woke up early this morning, and stood in front of the rising sun for half an hour. I've changed my mind and made up my mind so many times over the last two years or so, but some things never change, despite the things that we do or say. As I stood, I thought about the Rising Son. When I Read this morning, I read about the sorrow that had to come before the Rising. And I thought about a lot of the things that have happened over the last two months.
I never imagined myself in a position like this, and some times I have a heartache that I feel I can't really explain to anyone. It's the sorrow shared by a dear friend. It's sympathy wrapped up in mystery. It's despair over my inability to be meaningful at this time. It's disappointment in a friendship missed. It's struggle with wonder. It's comfort coming through, instead of despite, pain. It's like learning how to drive a stick shift. It's grief from the outside, as though through a rain-sheeted window pane. It's nothing as harsh or as hard as it could be, and I'm glad for it because it's the only thing that even gives me a chance to be able to understand or help D while all this is going on, but that doesn't mean I like it. It's growing, but that still isn't fun.
At the end of it all, the matter is that I have one purpose here on this earth, one purpose in this place. Now I just work to carry that out, as I am able, as I have been given Strength.
The greatest of these is.
So, the beach was really pretty.
Today was up and down. I got to play some basketball, go to a cool garden and photo exhibit, listen to Adventures in Odyssey with D, watch the NCAA men's championship game... but also had issues with the new internet gateway I installed yesterday. Oh well.
Things are good.
So, last night, after walking and talking with D about how I spend money on plane tickets and her (mostly food for her. And yes, I know you like it. :D), I decided I should spend some other money. So I hopped on iTunes and started looking at my favorite bands to see if anyone had any new stuff. And discovered that Starflyer59 put out an album last October! How come no one told me? So I bought it and downloaded it last night. Am just listening to it now, and it's pretty good. What I've heard is most like Talking Voice vs Singing Voice, but there's a little of My Island thrown in there too. If you like either of those albums, it's worth checking out at least.
This is a picture of me, Lemur (mine) and Tiger (D's) in Coptic Cairo. It's a little warren of Cairo that has a lot of old Coptic Churches. There's something oddly incongruous about flat screen TVs bolted onto the rough wooden rafters. It was really interesting. It was also where I told the tourist policeman that I would not give him bakshish (a bribe) for showing us where the tombs were. Yeah.
I played Ultimate Frisbee tonight for the first time in almost two months. My throwing has declined, but I've still almost got it. It was a lot of fun. Combine that with the two times we played basketball this week, and I feel like I'm starting to make a comeback towards working out and getting in shape.
We had a team Meeting tonight, and listened to a recording of a man talk about balancing growing up in the U.S. with an American mother and an Iranian father. It was really interesting, and had a good amount of food for thought. D and I talked a good amount while we were walking. It was good.
I struggle to find the Purpose I was sent to this place sometimes. Then when I'm not really looking, it comes at me in an odd way. I'm still kind of trying to figure it all out, but isn't everyone who is really Searching?
D and I bought two plates about a month an a half about. They're nice ceramic plates with pretty designs on them. She picked them out, I bought them. Due to our living arrangements here, we have a weird situation with the plates... because they're clearly our plates, but they reside at my house. So tonight, we ordered indian food and then took the food and the plates down and ate on the picnic tables outside the dining room.
One of our co-workers walked by and said, "Oh, nice plates! Whose are they?"
I responded, "Mine. Hers. Ours..."
Yeah. Life here can be interesting.
I keep meaning to post an update that describes the trip, and include pictures.
I can't bring myself to write about it. Not that it was bad or anything, I just can't write anything.
But here's a picture of the beach.
The other day, I heard a talk about the Indescribable nature of our universe. It makes me glad that I am not judged by my small size.
The trip back from Nuweiba to the 'Stan was pretty bad, and I won't recount it all, save that we had a bad bus ride, a rough airport experience in Cairo, and a canceled flight in Dubai.
It's good and rough and hard to be back.
Please Remember D. She's having a stressful time, and would like some rest and calmness.
For the last few days, I've been in Nuweiba, a little town on the Gulf of Aqaba. It's before tourist season, so we've had the resort/hostel/village to ourselves, mostly. We've been the only customers in the restaurants when we've gone. We went and hiked up Mt. Moses, where it is said that the Ten Commandments were given to Moses, for the sunrise. It was a 7km hike/climb up 2200 feet to the summit, and it was cold, cold, cold, but we made it. Had to wake up and leave at 12:00A.M. and it really threw off our sleep patterns, but it was good.
D and I have eaten supper right on the gulf, as the place we are staying has a restaurant that the tide laps against. We've had some really nice dates this trip, eating on the Nile River, up by the gulf. It's been a good, relaxing vacation. We start back tomorrow, have to take a 6 or 7 hour bus ride to Cairo, a plane to Dubai, then back to the 'Stan later on the 12th. Back to work right away on the 13th.
I'll post more about Cairo and here when I get back to the 'Stan. But I've had a pretty good vacation. It was needed, and I'm ready to get back to another 3 months of work!
I've been in Cairo for a couple days. Seen the pyramids, and some other fun places. I'll post more later!
Dubai: Because nothing says I Love You to a four year old better than a life-size plush giraffe.
Well, I've been working on a couple fun little projects, and some not so fun stuff recently. This makes me look forward to my upcoming Spring Break trip. We're heading to Egypt, visiting Cairo, Alexandria, and Mt. Sinai over about a 10 day period. It should be a lot of fun, and I'm excited.
I just finished Alastair Reynolds' most recent book, House of Suns. It was good, not his best, but still good. I enjoyed it, would heartily recommend it to anyone who likes Grand Scale Space Opera, or harder SF. It felt a little rushed towards the end, but had a lot of classic Reynolds in it. He writes some of the best relativistic deep space chase scenes I have ever read.
Sigh.
So.
I hate it when I feel like I have to confront situations that I don't want to confront. I hate it when I feel like I can't actually do anything of significance in a certain area. I hate it when I have to grow sometimes.
I love it when I get to see something that needs to be changed. I love it when I can help people. I love it when I get direction and clarity.
There are times when people, unintentionally really push my buttons. Like today, I was in a meeting, and told that some of the things I brought up were because of inexperience. Perhaps it is just because I'm insecure, but that always hacks me off. I know I'm inexperienced and I don't know everything, and your telling me that I'm inexperienced and that's it does nothing. Inexperience does not mean invalidity of ideas, and inexperience is not improved upon just by being told that I'm inexperienced. Sigh.
I would like to vent more, but I can't. Out.
Sigh.
I wish I didn't have to deal with some of the things that I do while I'm here. I wish I didn't have to be as weak and as strong as I do.
How am I ever supposed to know what it is that I am supposed to do in all circumstances? I don't think I ever will. So I just ask for guidance and direction, and I trust that I will get them.
It's raining more. Hopefully, it doesn't just stop in a week or two, but it keeps raining through the rest of the spring. This land needs it.
Another week in the books. It was short and kind of strange - we had a holiday on Saturday, and then parent teacher conferences on Wednesday. So it felt oddly abbreviated. In a week, we're heading to Egypt for Spring Break, and that should be fun.
I'm reading about four different books right now, some thilosophy, some SF, and some biographies. Keeping all the concepts and stories straight in my head is fun.
I'm really looking forward to watching some ball tonight or tomorrow, I need to check the schedule, but I think I'll get at least one game this week.
They put our basketball court back down, so we should soon see some games on Thursday mornings between staff.
Please remember D and her family. It's been a month. Please also think of something else that you committed to remember a while ago, and bring it Up.
I'd post anything else if I could think of it.
It's raining here today. A nice light rain most of the day. It's so wonderful, for us and for the people of this dry and dusty land.
See how they shine.
I'm a fan of Neal Stephenson. I have been a fan of his since I read Snow Crash, long long ago, and have continued my enjoyment through Cryptonomicon, Diamond Age, and the Baroque Cycle. I got Anathem, his latest book for Christmas, and have finally just finished it. Once I started reading, and got past the first hundred and fifty pages or so, it was an undeniably good read. The start is slow - even for a Stephenson book - and getting past that took some time. But once I got into the book, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Now, if you have read it (which I doubt that many of my readers have, and this 'review' is not really serving as a recommendation for it), you may wonder how I could enjoy it, as there is, well, a LOT of the philosophy and ideas in it that I don't agree with. But it's presented in a way that makes me think about what I know, and appreciate Who I know, even though the presentation is not really intended to do that. Plus, the story is an amazing Stephenson mix of cloister and computer. I can't say much more than without giving the whole thing away, but suffice to say, if you enjoyed Cryptonomicon, I'd get Anathem and just make the commitment to read through atleast half the book. This is definitely fiction, definitely is cleaner than Stephenson's previous books, and definitely not accessible fiction. If you can get around the invented world, the made up words, and the slow beginning, this definitely a book to read with an aware filter, but one that will reward the eager reader.
Oh, and there really is an ending in this book that's not a denouement.
I know this is far different from my usual post, but I've wanted to read this book since I first heard about it, and I was really excited to read it.
So, stuff.
I am trying to figure out everything and nothing all at once. The horse, he keeps running. It would seem that I need to slow down and hang my head. I find something in being here - the extraordinary life. Not that mine is such, but those around me have them. All for no reason that anyone could see if they were merely human. The whole town is here, but what could I explain about them, except they just Trust.
I'm taking D out tonight, and I'm wearing a suit. I played video games and watched TV with my buddy yesterday. I am getting excited for Egypt in about 10 days. I wish I could tell you about all the things that are and were and shall be.
Waiting rooms and silent watches.
I am obsessed, apparently, with my socks.
Today, I was putting away most of my winter clothes (yes, it's gotten that warm, generally!) and that includes putting away my winter socks. I was once again astounded and disgusted with the amount of socks that I have. So I took the above picture. There are a lot of socks there, and that doesn't count the dirty or drying ones. It's as tall as a 1 liter nalgene bottle. I am disturbed by the amount of clothes I have here. I think I'm going to have to figure out how I can donate or give away some of these that I have now, because I don't need them all.
I have been listening to one of my housemate's Johnny Cash albums. Something weird is happening to me.
As it gets warmer here, and I don't have to wear twelve layers of clothes, I like it.
--
For when I wander in the whirlwind, why do I marvel that I am tossed and thrown? Never should I fear the things that man can bring to bear against me. For I have no lasting city here, but I seek the one that is to come. Interposition of red has made me free forever from the death of this life, and though I am prone to wander, the courts above are where I am to go. I seek not a kingdom built by my own hands. I thirst for life, and I will receive it on some glad day.
I know I live where I do when...
D and I go out to a cafe we really enjoy, run by a french couple. We get there about a half hour before closing time, after they'd sent most of their staff home, but they still served us. We had a nice time, then called the driver to come get us right before the owners came over and offered to give us a lift home. We said we'd called the driver, but we wanted to pay. The very nice french lady had forgotten that we hadn't paid! So we paid, then called the driver again because the cafe is close by and he should have been there. It turned out he was taking other people somewhere, so we asked the french couple if they could take us home. So we went out with the wife and their local staff girl who they were taking home. The husband went inside to lock up, and then when he came out, he... sort of bunny hopped or invisible horsey rode over to the car. His wife said to us, "Oh, you know, french people are crazy." Then, the local girl got in the back seat of the truck, then D got in. The french lady said to me, "Do you want to sit back here with your wife?" "Um, no, that's..." I didn't really know what to say, so I just went around and got up front. They had a CD player in their truck, and it was playing... country versions of Adoring songs... in English. The french couple started singing along.
About two minutes down the road, when it seemed the french gentleman was taking a circuitous route, I asked him if he knew where we lived. "No," he said with a smile.
D hadn't had the best of days, adjusting to being back, and this little trip was good for her. Our new topic conversation changer is, "So, the french couple thinks we're married."
It just goes to show you... the Man comes around.
Made it back with D to Kabul. Not all of her luggage got here, but we're hoping it gets forwarded tomorrow. We gave the science teacher's kids their presents - barbie dolls and hot wheels and play-doh and aliens and mac N cheese. They were excited. I'm glad that D made it back mostly OK - she's planning to stay awake until 10, and doing pretty good about it so far. Please Ask that her jet lag isn't very bad, and she gets adjusted quickly.
Tomorrow, I fly to Dubai to pick D up. She leaves home in a few hours, please Remember her travel, and Ask that it goes smoothly.
Our science teacher and his family got a trampoline today. Tonight, they had a little bonfire and trampoline party. I had a great time jumping around with their kids. My other girlfriend, their little three year old, wanted me to lifter her up and help her jump. You know, even a relatively strong guy like me can only lift/jump a three year old for a while. But it was a nice, fun time. I can still almost, but not quite, land a flip on the trampoline.
Today, all the first graders wanted to shake my hand. I'm not sure how I suddenly got so popular. I've played catch with a friend here the past couple days. We both really wish we had enough space to bat, or a batting cage.
You can call me pathetic, but I really want to see D again. We've gotten to talk a good bit, but being with someone is different than just hearing a voice.
So, I haven't done a post like this in almost a month.
Today was a holiday, and I slept in and didn't get out of bed until about 11:00. People who know me well will know how uncharacteristic this is of me. It gave me a lot of time to think about a number of different things, some of which I am going to share with you, and some of which I am going to not share, and still more I am going to weave together with various things that happened today and various things I've read and music I've listened to to form some cacophonous tapestry.
Tonight in our weekly men's meeting, we talked about how to discern the Plan. And anyone who has had the pleasure, or displeasure as the case may be, of being around me while I'm trying to discern knows, this is something that I have often and probably will struggle with for a very long time. Part of this is that I don't like to do things until I'm sure that I can do them right. Another part of this is that I over-analyze things and often get myself into analysis paralysis. Still another part is that I sometimes lack the basic trust that discernment requires. This last one is a revelation that hits me repeatedly and starkly every time.
Has anyone ever noticed the uneven trust that we occasionally seem to be caught in? See, it's easy for me to Trust that things are going to be OK for me, just me. I have rarely, rarely worried about my safety here in this place, I have rarely worried that I am going to be taken care of day to day. However, it's far more difficult for me to Trust for others in my life. This last week has proved it to me again, and how I need to walk in Trust about D right now, and Trust that she is going to be Cared for far better than I can. It's hard for me to Trust when my family and friends go through difficult times, because I want to be able to fix it for them, I want them to be OK. And so this last week, when I'm faced with seeing the pain and struggle that someone I care about is undergoing, I want to be able to take it away. I want to be able to fix it. And I can't.
Instead, I saw this lesson for me in the last week. I can't fix these things. I can't be strong enough. So instead of me being the strength, I have to set myself aside so I can be filled with the Strength she needs. I have to help her, not by letting her rely on me, but by helping her rely on Someone who will never leave her. I have to lay my supposed need to help her aside, and take up That which can bear us through. This is a hard lesson to learn. It's a question of, how far do I trust?
It's a question I want to ask you. How far does your trust extend? What will you withhold? When the fires come, who are you? Who are you?
--
These last twelve, as I Read, I seek for answers. And I can't say that I find all that I want. But I find great comfort in a story that has long stayed with me.
Once, a man faces great trials. He is led to contend with four hundred who hold to falsehood, and sees them cast down and destroyed through truth. Immediately after this, he flees their patron, and is led to the wilderness, and then to a mountain cave. In that cave, he is asked a question, and then goes through an earthquake, a great wind, a fire. He finds no answers, indeed, it seems he finds no communication.
But then, a quiet voice. There he finds communication, he finds answers, he finds direction. I think the power that is displayed just before this communication is for the main purpose of getting his attention. It seems that often in the calamity, we find no reason, no help. It is after the storm that the word comes, and that we grow.
--
I wish I could express some of the things that have been in my heart of late. When I try, they just slip away, like a wisp of cloud caressing my fingers as it disappears. I... walk around in time, pondering, seeking resolution or an answer to what seem to me to be simple questions. Do you know how much information is generated generating information? With how many decisions we face every day, with how many big things seem to happen to us, it would seem impossible to keep track or know them all. People deal with things in different ways, and to make someone explain themselves fully would be impossible, for even those of us who claim to know ourselves well really don't. When was the last time you surprised yourself, or found yourself doing something you didn't understand? In my head, I am far more eloquent and sensible than I sound anywhere else, and I struggle to make myself think about the full repercussions of my actions. I find nothing to wander towards when I just want to wander.
I wish that I could see to the end of the path. The curvature of the earth only lets me see so far, it's simple physics and geometry, and in that there is a glorious release if I would only grasp it. I can only see so far, I'm only let to see so far.
--
D and her family still need you to lift them up. But also, I want you to think back to something that one of your close friends has gone through in the last year. Something that when it happened you help up, but you've not thought of lately. Probably, they still need this Remembered. Would you do that? It's easy to, when something occurs, to bring the immediate need forward, but then never return to that. Ask for what you need to Remember, and then hold it up.
--
We part of are the army of the far from perfect.
Following the footsteps of heroes never led to the safe and gray roads.
--
So I leave you with a question?
So, part of my adjustment back to the 'Stan is, when crossing so many time zones, sleep. I have stayed up late (easy with the advent of 24/7 power), and then not wanted to get up. It's also, temperature wise, right where it is just chill in the morning, not ridiculously cold, and so there's not enough of a 'wake up' benefit from getting out of bed to get my alarm across the room, and then it's hard to get up because it's warmer enough under the covers... sigh.
It's been an OK first couple days back. Our local coffee shop/cafe closed on Friday, so the guys from my house went for one last hurrah. We're pretty sure we were the last customers, so that's historical. I quit dealing with people after a while yesterday, so last night I talked to D and then hid in my room most of the evening. It's nice to be able to do that when I want to.
I really need to work back into the swing of things, but I think it's going to take some doing. Our month coming up is really disjointed with some days off, end of quarter, and then spring break at the start of April. But hopefully I will make it back into normalcy. Or as close to it as I can manage.
I'm really thankful for a supportive community to live in and come back to.
Where the final phase of the moon wanes forever
and the newness of the portion loses its luster
still will I search and strive for the strength
my life needs to hold and endure for none other
holds the keys to death so fallen to redemption
open skies hold a blessing for the finest of us
who gain so much more than I shall ever know of
I'm almost back to the 'Stan. My flight leaves Dubai soon, and then I will be home. It's been a long trip, but it will soon, soon be done. Then a week before I come back to pick D up. Please continue to Remember her and her folks - they covet your Thoughts.
I have had few problems on the trip, my flight from Dallas to London was not at all full, so I took off my shoes and socks and put my feet up on the seat and slept. That was good. I feel like I'll be able to get onto 'Stan time quick.
I've learned a lot that I never hope to have to again about grief and sorrow this trip, about joy and pain. We're not forgotten by the One who made sunshine and rain.
These have been rough but good days. The service yesterday was a great celebration of D's brother's life. He was loved much and will be missed much. I know the service made some people uncomfortable, but that was fine. Last night and today, I just spent time with D. I don't know how else to help her, so I just do that, hold her when she needs it, talk when she needs it, drive out and get her chocolate chip cookie dough when she needs it... just be here.
I fly out tomorrow. I wish I could have stayed with her, but I couldn't. Oh well, we do what we must do.
The funeral is today at 10. Please ask for D and her family, for His Love, Comfort and Grace to flow in and through them. I thank you for all your supplications - our travel here went so smoothly, we know He kept us in His protection during that time. And I am so thankful that He has let me be, for me, remarkably unaffected by jetlag, so I can be here fully for D. Praise be to the One who sustains us!
P.S. 107
In our guys group this week, we talked about the fourth chapter of the book to the early italians. One of the things the leader talked about was that how, generally as men, we are oriented to problem-solving, and gave the example that in many cases, a female partner will tell her male partner something not because she wants it fixed, but because she needs to talk about it. D and I have had that come up, she tells me things and says, "This is sharing, not a fix it." Today, I feel like I can't fix anything. I can try to take care of all the details about getting her back, but when she is crying and all I can do is hold her, I feel so inadequate and unable. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, other than just hold her and Ask for love, grace, and comfort to flow into her and her family. I can't fix this. I can only be here, and Speak of her and her family.
And this is how we know of His love - that it covers over us and uses even those of us so inadequate as this. Those of us who know not what to say and feel like we're no use. Those of us who are given the strength to be leaned upon, though we know not why.
We're back in the U.S. Please Ask that D and her family have comfort, grace and peace flow into them.
I was going to write a happier post about the date we went on last night that was so much fun. But I can't. Please Remember D and her family. Her brother died unexpectedly this morning. Tomorrow, I'm flying back to the states with her for the funeral. Please Ask that she can get rest before we go, and that the cold she has doesn't get worse. Please Ask for His comfort to surround her and her family.
"His grace is sufficient for us."
I'm listening to The Hoard by As Cities Burn, and it's a good followup companion to our guys group tonight.
I took a nap today, and experienced my hour of torture after waking up from the nap. The reason I don't nap is because it's horrible afterwords.
I've really been Asking of late for patience and joy, neither of which are rarely in abundance in me by myself.
Son, this is it, this is it! We're all sinking for our sins...
Unless...
Ok, so it's Saturday, and it's the first day of the week. I got a lot of stuff done the last few work days, so good job me. I passed out a survey in staff meeting today on what people want for next year. One of the questions was, "I would rather the school provided me with (circle one)" Somebody circled four things. I'm trying to decide if they didn't really read the survey or just didn't care.
One of our teacher's aides, who has children at our school, told me that her son wanted to dress like me for Dress Like a Teacher day during spirit week, so he could wear sunglasses. This is because I always wear my sunglasses outside, a holdover from when I worked for GBS and had to wear safety glasses any time I went to the shop. The TA told her son it would be easy, all he needed was a black coat and sunglasses, and he'd be set. I guess I have a repetitive outfit in the winter.
I like my girlfriend.
It's alternating between warming up and staying cool. Hopefully it warms up for good soon.
AAh, here is so exasperatingly great sometimes.
I touched at least 26 computers today. I'm moving to a new enterprise-wide IM system, I had to ensure that Antivirus was working properly on my portable computer lab system, and I'm also finally moving to Windows XP SP3 (I had tried to figure out how to push it out to my users, or let them do it without elevating them to Admin privileges and finally gave up.
I had to go through two guards, two guard supervisors and a student to finally grasp what the groundskeeper who took Max, our german shepherd, to the vet yesterday was telling me about the pills. I almost had it, but was just enough wrong to be wrong. I really, really need to learn Dari.
I went out for Pizza to our regular Wednesday spot. We really have a good time together there. The place might be closing soon, so we're enjoying it while we can.
D wanted to watch Disney tonight, so we watched the Little Mermaid and Aladdin. It was fun.
I've been watching The Office. It's hilarious.
I'm working tomorrow A.M. to try to get these updates finished. I sent dire warnings to teachers about confiscations if they don't bring their computers to me to update, so we'll see what happens.
It's amazing what foundation can come from not getting as much sleep as you wish you did. In case you don't know me very well, I take things personally. I'm a little stress puppy a lot of the time. I'm really grateful for the people in my life that call me on that when I need it.
I had some funny things happen today. The little second grade boy who I played 'soccer' with for a couple minutes after school while we were waiting for his sisters to come down from ballet hugged me before he left. The seniors begging me to let them play dodgeball instead of basketball since the court was full of snow, because that's what I did with the 3rd and 4th graders yesterday.
D is really cute when she's hyper (yes, you are. :)) I just didn't want to leave this post without a little sappiness.
this world is a world is a page that we know how it ends
on the interior side the entrance is straightforward yet held forth
cold all around but the simple warmth of together denied the same
chase the chord and harmony in the face of the fear and of a sigh
one day will all this grow old and decrepit decaying though the fire
the cares and the things led only carries so far to the distribution
long ago this path was set aright but the seeming imprecision continues
nagging and swelling hold for service fortifying a rotting timber
fragile trails hold back the forest just enough for the ending to come
unfailing and unfading is far from what i deserve
i deserve?
Today has been Valentine's day. It has been special. We had breakfast with our team, then stayed for an impromptu dance party, made valentines for people, had lunch. I shoveled off a roof and got a bike, then we had a mini-picnic and watched a movie.
I'm really glad for the Love in this holiday.
We have a surprise holiday tomorrow! No, it's not Valentine's day, it's Russians Leaving Day. Or something like that. They've never had this holiday before at this time as far as we can tell. But we have the day off. Of course, we're still on security restrictions, so we can't go lots of places. But we're going to have a good time anyway. A real breakfast and an inside picnic. It will be good.
We've got close to 20cm of snow here. It's awesome. This country needs the moisture so much, and it's supposed to snow for another three or four days. That would be great.
We went to meeting this morning and it was really cool. I can't tell you lots else, but it was really great. I'm glad we went there, and we're probably going to keep going to that group for the time being.
After meeting, we went out to eat with some friends. It was a really nice time. Then we came back here and had another fire-building adventure, D called her students to tell them no class tomorrow, we re-arranged my room. Then we sat together for a while before going over with other friends to another teacher's house to eat. It's been a good day.
Tomorrow may be one holiday here, it may be a different one where you are at, but all of them are days to stop and reflect. Think about what has been done for you. You can hide it, you can fight it, but red stains of love remind your heart now.
It snowed, almost literally all day, yesterday. We need it so much, it was great. Huge flakes, wet snow. Good news for this place at a time when it was sorely needed.
Life here has been going well. We're trying to figure out what we are going to be allowed to do tomorrow, but we are probably going to have a 'picnic' for V-Day. Probably not outside, but inside should be a good time.
I don't really have anything else to blog right now.
Mundane things from my life today:
Decided not to wear long underwear to work. It was warm enough.
Discovered that I can't use the gas heater in my office without getting a headache within about half an hour. So I have to use electric, which is less efficient and not as warm. But I can work. Trade off.
The wireless keyboard in my office had a long of junk in it when I took it apart because the control key was sticking. Eww. Never look inside your keyboard.
When I have a goal, things can go a lot better.
What is simple and straightforward to me is not so to others.
Lockdown.
I like watching The Office because it is hilarious.
Extra-ordinary things from my day:
The news.
Getting rather furious at kids in carline for lying to me and then laughing about it.
Ordering Lebanese delivery and eating supper with D and one of our really good friends here.
Watching a fairly funny movie (cars) with D.
Holding her hand.
Knowing that no matter what happens right now, I'm here.
The News
How do I tell of the progression that takes place in the wanderings of my mind?
How do I tell you of the changes that the King effects in my slow pacing?
So yet again here, again do I make this my starting point. I fail to understand, I fail to show, I fail to grow. I succeed in learning, I start to shine, I can feel the roots spreading and seeking for the water and nutrients to sustain me. Pull back the stars, let free the storehouses.
I know some of them of whom the world is not worthy.
I'm barely around long enough to speak more than a couple of simple phrases, rarely able to communicate in any kind of meaningful way. Add my lack of intentional development, and you have a disappointing scenario. But the mystery is that even in my stumbling, halting efforts, I can lift my voice to show the Rider.
The world around me is beginning to shake, not from the fear of what man can do, nor from the natural changes in the earth, but from the Hand that moves us to all joy, that brings us to all trials, and shepherds us through them. Fear, yes, but not fear as the common man thinks of it. Fear of a different kind.
Sometimes I don't understand why I get what I don't deserve when I should get what I do deserve. This is the mystery of grace. It shows up so often in my life. I don't deserve to be here, in a place such as this at a time such as this, but I am. I don't deserve to be headed to refreshment and renewal, to another adventure, to a place that has been prepared for me, and yet, there will I go. I don't deserve to have a job wherein I see the line between meaning and my day blur together. I don't deserve to have as wonderful of friends and family as I have been given. I don't deserve to have a wonderful woman like D in my life. But then grace comes and covers me. He's been where I have been, He's there, He Is.
As we soldier through the cold, I think about the people here who have no heat. I think about the families that I know of who can barely feed themselves. And I wonder, I wish to know, Why do the skies not open and the people ask What Is It?
When I sit on top of playground equipment and look up at the stars with her, I find that the simplest of words carries a weight unknowable to me until the measure of my days has found fullness. As our quiet voices carry through the cool night air, I know the beginnings of surrender, and the slow embrace of a familiar hand.
And I trust that there is death so wonderful. The skies open and the flood rolls down. He made a path for the lightning of the thunder. Think of that. He made a path.
What are you so scared of?
And I remember I'll soon be dead.
So, I know I haven't posted here as much of late. I'm writing more other places, and that has taken up some of my time that would normally be used for posting.
There has also been a lot going on that I won't or can't tell you about. But suffice it to say that I've been thinking a lot about growth, grief, justice, humility, surrender, understanding, trusting. Life here really is a growing process, in ways large and small.
Work is going. I'm really trying to implement systems that will help me ensure that I am making headway towards task accomplishment, which has long been a problem for me. I'm also trying to fit myself into a system that doesn't really exist right now on the business side of things.
D is... wonderful. I don't want to seem sappy, so I really can't say much more. But we had a great date the other night, which was wonderful. We took fun questions to ask each other, like "If you could start any kind of business, what business would you start?" And fun stuff like that. We also have a really great level to our relationship where we can talk about things, but also have a good time and not have to always talk about big things. We both know we've got plenty of time to figure things out, and each of us has an individual and interpersonal commitment to try to make sure that we come out of this phase of our relationship as better people, no matter which way our relationship goes. I really like my pretty girlfriend. :)
Well, I don't know what else to talk about. I Trust you are doing well, wherever you are.
D and I had our first 'Stan date tonight. We had so much fun. I have a great girlfriend. We had a slight concern earlier this week that security and the stinking terrorists might thwart us again, but we made it! We made lots of jokes this week about our 'red hot' date because of where we were going.
I'd post more about the rest of life, but I don't know what to say, because this is pretty much the biggest thing in my week that I can talk about!
I'm mentally worn, physically ready to go. I don't know why, exactly. Death so wonderful.
When we ask for trials and difficulties, we have to be prepared for what comes. I asked for this, I knew I was signing up for this, and so I simply must persevere through the open and cloudy skies.
I have nothing to give as an offering other than what I'm trying to give every day here.
One day, when the cards wipe themselves clean, and the silence of a thousand voices deafens... One day, the change will come up on gilded wings, and find the simple refrain that will resonate... One day, the earth will take a fine precipice of waiting and turn it into a long notation for changes... One day, the strange will no longer mean the same.
I am a blessed person. I have been put into job that lets me feel like I am doing something that matters. I live in a place where I don't have to feel like I'm just marking time. D gives me dishtowels. Kids come up and randomly hug me. Growth happens and I get to see it.
Life is. And I Am, I am humbled by my place in it.
Since I last posted, I've had good days.
I did some work yesterday. I also had to tell one of my friends that he unfortunately has melted parts in his computer, and so it's not working now. That was a downer. I helped D decorate her classroom some (actually, I took stuff down and sorted. She did all the hard stuff.), which we also used as an excuse to listen to Whit and Eugene some. Then we went and ate supper and hung out with the school's science teacher and his wife. We had a really good time, they're great people.
Today, I got up, went to meeting, then went out to eat at the Korean restaurant with our team. Our evening plans fell through afterwards, so D and I watched We Are Marshall, and then had silly fun for a while. She taught me the alphabet in ASL, so I tried to spell out some messages for her.
Tomorrow, another new week starts, and I'm ready to face it.
I may not always have the power I want, but I have submitted myself to a higher authority, and so I get what I need.
I haven't been having the best of weeks. Lots of reasons, mostly having to do with my trying to figure everything out all the time. Why must it seem that my discussions are always about solving? Whatever ends this may come to, I know that it is for my growth.
What do I hold until the end, until the stilling of my breath and the loosing of my hands? What do I find to hold onto in the strong redoubt in which I take shelter when the storm rages around me? Days come up around me like the tide, and I wish to know the measure of them. Yet not for me is this knowledge?
So I take to heart the things that I have been taught. I leave behind the things that belong not to me, as able as I am to bring nothing that is not already in Your possession. Take what I am, take this broken refrain. What can I give that You don't already deserve?
Words. Words that tear us apart.
Words that focus on the ailments and the troubles, not words that focus on the cures and the solutions. Words that focus on the foolish and the misguided, not the wise and upright.
Words. Words that take us away.
We had a guys meeting tonight. It was big, more people than we've ever had. And I was granted a new perspective on some things, in ways which I can't describe to you.
There is so much swirling around in my head right now, and I want to get it out, but it's hard to know how to post some of this.
I am wrapped up in so many things these days. How am I going to get all these things done, how am I going to start to deal with my new boss, how am I going to understand how to grow, how am I going to be the man that I need to be for D, how do I build our friendship and relationship at the same time appropriately, where is my life headed, what do I need to do to improve? There's always a storm cloud of some kind waiting over the horizons in my life, it seems.
But really, there isn't. I read OT5-2 this morning, and, I'm struck at how the obstacle put in place is not there to dissuade or discourage, but to encourage and to spur on. They just got through two other countries just fine, and then this strife comes up in the third. It's not to knock them down, it's not to scare them. It is to show them their need to rely on Someone other than themselves.
There's a situation going on here that my remembrance about it has become not about the situation being resolved, but about the light being shown. About the conduct and behavior of the people involved would show something of who really matters. And the challenge in that remembrance to myself is to become a person who is always focused on that display. To become a man who is not about wanting good things to happen to me, but about who I Am.
This leads me to the difficult happiness and joy that my relationship with D is becoming. Difficult because neither of us has been in this kind of relationship before, and we get to figure all kinds of things out together. Happiness because she is a pretty great person to spend time with, and she brings me chocolate. ;) Joy because of Who she knows and makes me want to know more. Because I know that I can never be a man who deserves a woman like her without Another. I want the relationship that we have to Show.
Things in this life don't happen quickly. Events may seem to, but I think that it is a matter of scale. A hurricane may seem to happen quickly, but viewed from above, it slowly develops. That's my life. Slowly developing. I'm slowly growing, quickly falling, getting up again eventually, and becoming who I Am wants me to be.
It is raining here.
Rain here is wonderful. Isa thirty.
I haven't been posting here as frequently, sorry. It's hard to post because I want to say more than just what I did today, but a lot of my writing effort is going other places, and so I don't have much to say.
But can I just say that it is fundamentally a difficult thing to do to try to build a friendship and relationship at the same time? I'm glad I have a great partner in trying to do that. And I'm glad that we both know who is really in charge of us.
Another day beginning.
I'm not sure how I manage to avoid getting fired.
12:36 PM - Amnonymous Coworker:
what time do you expect the copy guys?
12:36 PM - russ:
I thought this morning.
12:36 PM - russ:
They obviously never showed up?
12:36 PM - Amnonymous Coworker:
right...no they didn't show
12:36 PM - russ:
OK.
12:37 PM - russ:
I'm going to call them
12:37 PM - Amnonymous Coworker:
you want me to beat them up for you?
12:38 PM - Amnonymous Coworker:
I'm pretty sure I could take them all at the same time...
12:38 PM - Amnonymous Coworker:
probably because they'd be so shocked they wouldn't be able to move...
12:38 PM - russ:
Only if you do it wearing a pink panther costume while the music plays somewhere in the background, and the haunting sound of a long-dead musk ox bone zither floats in tender whisps across the scene.
12:38 PM - russ:
BACK TO WORK!
12:39 PM - Amnonymous Coworker:
oh come on...this is so much more fun
12:39 PM - Amnonymous Coworker:
do you have a pink panther costume
12:39 PM - russ:
BUT THERE'S NO MUSK OX BONE ZITHER IN YOUR VERSION!
12:40 PM - Amnonymous Coworker:
wow...I don't even know how to respond...
12:40 PM - russ:
That's right.
12:42 PM - russ:
You just hide in your tone-deprvied world, sobbing while you play a phantom musk ox bone zither which you can only hope to hear some wild day when you are free, running through the deep grass of a bassoon, the sharp december wind of a flute, and the mellow river flowing from the saxophone.
12:42 PM - russ:
My gosh, I'm posting all of this on my blog right now.
Sigh. Today was a day where I spent about an hour and a half in my office. It was long and kind of frustrating in so many different ways. So much to do, so little time, so many different directions being pulled. I had five different people's computers or devices in my office to try to fix today, three different equipment reservations, and two major projects to work on. It was long and trying.
But then, I got to take D off campus for dinner, nothing fancy, but just nice to be away from school and with her. I didn't want to eat supper with the group because I just knew that someone would ask me to do something else. And it's great to spend time with her. Can I also strangely say that I really like it that she doesn't fight me about paying for her dinner, because it makes me feel good to do that. Yes, I know I'm weird.
Then we had a team meeting, where we recorded a version of the staff singing lean on me. It was semi-frustrating, but I think we got a good product.
Then, the inauguration. That man has so much pressure on his shoulders - it's almost as though he is carrying the hope of much of the country, nay, the world himself. I don't want him to, but what if he stumbles? He's a white knight, he needs a dark one. (Oh, I'm aware of the racial undertones that seem implicit in that, but I don't mean them that way.) Still, I do have high hopes for what he can inspire to change. We'll see.
I'm so ready to be past this stage of everything, but I know I just have to stay here while the work in my heart is Accomplished.
Until the end of all of these things has past, what am I left to know but that which holds not the measure of my days? Until the end of all of this, am I left to be other than the touch of a cold hand in a darkened world? Hello my good old friend.
See this mire? Surrounding me and pulling down to the synthetic climax of the razor sharp wire, I can not retreat from the inexorable grip on my own. I pull my head back and still do I fail to fight my way free from the knowledge creeping up my spine. Lost to all of the slow replacement, the calcification and fossilization of the limbs entangled by the grip of this pit, I fall subsumed in my own dreams, my own self.
In the pit of my stomach, it starts. Nausea.
Alone I stood to fight this dark decay.
Fire in the sky.
Is this what I was designed for?
Yes.
A darkness had surrounded me. I had dropped the baton, let the semaphore fires burn too low. Yet the whole time, I looked back to stare and wonder. Never again would I think I had been abandoned.
Despite the despair, regardless of what the optimists say, I know only one thing, only one man of whom to speak.
And through, through comes Victory.
We played Ultimate yesterday in the cold, the wet snow, the mud. I had a good time. Except for one of the guys (not a co-worker) tripping and breaking his nose.
There's lots going on in my heart and head that I just don't know how to post.
It's cold here, and I have started using the propane heater in my office. I'm hoping it isn't cold for very long.
D makes me happy.
I get to start student activities (which means BASKETBALL!) this week. I'm excited, even though it is freezing cold and can be wet on the court.
Someday when things are slow again...
So. The swing is hard to get back into. I read an article this morning which suggests that almost every skill takes ten years to develop expertise in. I'm at less than 10 for most everything, except eating and running (both of which I do with aplomb unrivaled on this side of the French Revolution). There's so much which I shall never know, and so much that I needs must forget. There is so much that I will never need to know, and so much that I will forget. In between these two is a balance.
I find that much of life right now is balance. Balance my work load with my tasks and outcomes, balance my growth in friendship with D with the growth in relationship (the subtleties of which I am only barely beginning to see), balance submission with acceptance, quiet with study, speaking with listening.
I wish I had something far more profound and meaningful to share with you, but I don't. So I leave you with a question?
Ah. Day one of return to school.
It went well. It's cold here. The shoes that I got this summer which are a size to big are just perfect for putting three-pair of sock clad feet in. We've had some more issues with our generators so I have to use propane if I want heat in my office instead of the electrics, which means I really have to bundle up. But that's OK. I was built for this.
I have a different perspective on seeing the kids than other people do. Because I don't really have a class of my own or anything, and because I like to pretend that how it is is how it has always been, to me it's just business as per usual.
But then again, nothing is really usual or unusual anymore.
I return to the 'Stan. It's cold. It's good. I really enjoyed hanging out with friends yesterday in Dubai, it was warm there.
Work tomorrow, then school starts back Monday. I'm excited to be back here. The U.S. and Turkey were good, but here is home for now, and it's nice to be home.
And I get to see D! :) Every day!
This is my last night in Turkey. I've had a rather enjoyable time here, it's been cool to see my sister's school (which is a sister school [ha!]), to meet her friends, and to experience part of her life here. I'm just sorry I haven't come at a time where we could experience more of Turkey. Maybe next time.
So this experience has led me to understand much more about our school by seeing hers, and that has been cool. This experience has also helped me see all that I appreciate about my life in the 'Stan, all that I miss living there, and how each of us seem to end up in the places that we fit into well, when we seek to follow the Way set before us.
How could I be anything else?
I did have to be bailed out by my sister's quick tongue today. Thanks for the save!
Traveling tomorrow more. Dubai for a day, get to see some friends there, then back to the 'Stan. I'm excited to get back to life there, a sense of regularity, of knowing what day it is, of being able to hear about all my friends' breaks, engagements, visits.
But I'm most excited because I get to see D again! I would enter a large number of smileys here, but that would seem cheesy, and I'm all about low cheese. (and melted cheese) I have really missed being with her, and I'm happy to be able to re-enter the toils, frustrations, and joys of life in our compound in the country we have and get to be in together.
What I get to say here is something simple and something less profound than I want it to be, but I say it anyway.
There's nothing really profound in this post, which is kind of the point. Instead of treating you to an occasional post of depth and meaning, I make do with frequent outbursts of the things that percolate to the top of my head.
So here they are.
- This place is a bizarre mirror-world version of both a cross between the U.S. and the 'Stan. The school where my sister works feels a lot like a nice private school in the states most of the time. Then I help out by spending a morning running cable for them, and it's running through cheap cable channel and holes drilled in the concrete wall. They have power and heat, but often not hot water. The people look semi-familiar because of the similar ethnicity, but then there's not enough of one ethnic group and they speak a weird language. I'm spending the day at a school that is not my school, and so doesn't really feel like school. Finally, my sister is here and around, which just makes it a nice weird place to be.
- I get mistaken for a native here, too!
- I got to talk with the narcoleptic ostrich farmer about music and books while I was in the U.S., which was cool because he's pretty much the only person in the world I have met who shares roughly similar tastes, and whom also knows me well enough (and vice versa) to be able to make recommendations.
- I have it easy in a lot of ways where I live. It's nice to step somewhere where I can really recognize that. I wish sometimes that other people could step out and see that. Even though I don't like everything the cook makes, or what they decide we should do about drivers, or all that jazz, we get taken care of really well.
- I am someday going to be somewhat successfully at being wholly given over to surrender.
So keep back your laments.
I went around the city some today with my sister after a lunch with some of her friends. We went to a history museum, got to see lots of cool stuff. Cuneiform is really amazing, as is the preservation of basalt carvings. We had a good time.
I get to go to school with her tomorrow, and that will be interesting. Only the second school I'll have been in a whole day of it being in session.
I am given reminders all the time of the solidity of the Day, and it can be kind of cool to see, and really cool to think about. It's an encouragement to see another country, to see what is occurring, and to know that the same things can happen in the 'Stan, as discouraging as it can be there some time. It's also kind of nice to see another life and understand how much I was built for the situation that I am currently in, and how good I really do have it most of the time. Perspective is always a plus.
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men...
I'm in Turkey with my sister now. We had good flights, no problems. It's nice and warm here. It's a neat thing to visit her in her environment.
So life is good, I'm a little jetlaggy but better than my usual arrival to the 'Stan. I slept some on the overnight flight. I'll be here a few days, and hopefully not too jetlagged during that time.
Alright, I'm now around here.
Chicago, then. Flights ok so far. Found a nice little workstation place to sit at and surf. Going to eat in an hour or two.
Fly me to the moon...
Wichita. Leaving today.
Going to spend 5 days with my sister in Turkey before heading on to the 'Stan.
It's been a good break, but I'm ready to go back. Life keeps going.
I get to see D in 8 days! I'm excited.
Work will begin, life will continue to spin, and I'm glad I got this time to step off the carousel (or at least move to the inside where apparent motion is not as great.)
See ya!
