So, I haven't done a post like this in almost a month.
Today was a holiday, and I slept in and didn't get out of bed until about 11:00. People who know me well will know how uncharacteristic this is of me. It gave me a lot of time to think about a number of different things, some of which I am going to share with you, and some of which I am going to not share, and still more I am going to weave together with various things that happened today and various things I've read and music I've listened to to form some cacophonous tapestry.
Tonight in our weekly men's meeting, we talked about how to discern the Plan. And anyone who has had the pleasure, or displeasure as the case may be, of being around me while I'm trying to discern knows, this is something that I have often and probably will struggle with for a very long time. Part of this is that I don't like to do things until I'm sure that I can do them right. Another part of this is that I over-analyze things and often get myself into analysis paralysis. Still another part is that I sometimes lack the basic trust that discernment requires. This last one is a revelation that hits me repeatedly and starkly every time.
Has anyone ever noticed the uneven trust that we occasionally seem to be caught in? See, it's easy for me to Trust that things are going to be OK for me, just me. I have rarely, rarely worried about my safety here in this place, I have rarely worried that I am going to be taken care of day to day. However, it's far more difficult for me to Trust for others in my life. This last week has proved it to me again, and how I need to walk in Trust about D right now, and Trust that she is going to be Cared for far better than I can. It's hard for me to Trust when my family and friends go through difficult times, because I want to be able to fix it for them, I want them to be OK. And so this last week, when I'm faced with seeing the pain and struggle that someone I care about is undergoing, I want to be able to take it away. I want to be able to fix it. And I can't.
Instead, I saw this lesson for me in the last week. I can't fix these things. I can't be strong enough. So instead of me being the strength, I have to set myself aside so I can be filled with the Strength she needs. I have to help her, not by letting her rely on me, but by helping her rely on Someone who will never leave her. I have to lay my supposed need to help her aside, and take up That which can bear us through. This is a hard lesson to learn. It's a question of, how far do I trust?
It's a question I want to ask you. How far does your trust extend? What will you withhold? When the fires come, who are you? Who are you?
These last twelve, as I Read, I seek for answers. And I can't say that I find all that I want. But I find great comfort in a story that has long stayed with me.
Once, a man faces great trials. He is led to contend with four hundred who hold to falsehood, and sees them cast down and destroyed through truth. Immediately after this, he flees their patron, and is led to the wilderness, and then to a mountain cave. In that cave, he is asked a question, and then goes through an earthquake, a great wind, a fire. He finds no answers, indeed, it seems he finds no communication.
But then, a quiet voice. There he finds communication, he finds answers, he finds direction. I think the power that is displayed just before this communication is for the main purpose of getting his attention. It seems that often in the calamity, we find no reason, no help. It is after the storm that the word comes, and that we grow.
I wish I could express some of the things that have been in my heart of late. When I try, they just slip away, like a wisp of cloud caressing my fingers as it disappears. I... walk around in time, pondering, seeking resolution or an answer to what seem to me to be simple questions. Do you know how much information is generated generating information? With how many decisions we face every day, with how many big things seem to happen to us, it would seem impossible to keep track or know them all. People deal with things in different ways, and to make someone explain themselves fully would be impossible, for even those of us who claim to know ourselves well really don't. When was the last time you surprised yourself, or found yourself doing something you didn't understand? In my head, I am far more eloquent and sensible than I sound anywhere else, and I struggle to make myself think about the full repercussions of my actions. I find nothing to wander towards when I just want to wander.
I wish that I could see to the end of the path. The curvature of the earth only lets me see so far, it's simple physics and geometry, and in that there is a glorious release if I would only grasp it. I can only see so far, I'm only let to see so far.
D and her family still need you to lift them up. But also, I want you to think back to something that one of your close friends has gone through in the last year. Something that when it happened you help up, but you've not thought of lately. Probably, they still need this Remembered. Would you do that? It's easy to, when something occurs, to bring the immediate need forward, but then never return to that. Ask for what you need to Remember, and then hold it up.
We part of are the army of the far from perfect.
Following the footsteps of heroes never led to the safe and gray roads.
So I leave you with a question?
Monday, March 09, 2009
So, I haven't done a post like this in almost a month.