Friday, April 24, 2009

You look worried. Yeah, that's me.

I woke up early this morning, and stood in front of the rising sun for half an hour. I've changed my mind and made up my mind so many times over the last two years or so, but some things never change, despite the things that we do or say. As I stood, I thought about the Rising Son. When I Read this morning, I read about the sorrow that had to come before the Rising. And I thought about a lot of the things that have happened over the last two months.

I never imagined myself in a position like this, and some times I have a heartache that I feel I can't really explain to anyone. It's the sorrow shared by a dear friend. It's sympathy wrapped up in mystery. It's despair over my inability to be meaningful at this time. It's disappointment in a friendship missed. It's struggle with wonder. It's comfort coming through, instead of despite, pain. It's like learning how to drive a stick shift. It's grief from the outside, as though through a rain-sheeted window pane. It's nothing as harsh or as hard as it could be, and I'm glad for it because it's the only thing that even gives me a chance to be able to understand or help D while all this is going on, but that doesn't mean I like it. It's growing, but that still isn't fun.

At the end of it all, the matter is that I have one purpose here on this earth, one purpose in this place. Now I just work to carry that out, as I am able, as I have been given Strength.

The greatest of these is.

No comments: