Monday, September 15, 2008

Back to collide and false hope

Today, while I was in car line, one of the kindergarteners raised his hand for permission to go to the bathroom, and hailed me, saying, "Mr. Toolbox! Mr. Toolbox!" I'm pretty awesome.

Had high school basketball for the first time this school year today. A really great thing.

I've got a number of the new computers ready to go, and I'm starting in on the new lab. There's not enough time in the day to get all the things done that I think I would like to get done in a day.

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Those of you who read my blog with any regularity, or those of you who know me, know something about me that I try to hide. I say try to hide because I don't do it very well most of the time if you know about it. But... I have rather sudden and extreme mood swings a lot. And when it starts happening, it takes a while for it to calm down, sometimes months. I feel myself in one of these waves right now, and it threatens to drown me in many ways right now. People who have these will understand this next sentence, and if you don't, I truly am glad for you. But I'm in one of these cycles deep enough right now that I quietly dread being happy. Because being happy means that I'm at the top of an upward curve, and the crash is coming soon.

I've crashed hard a couple of times this last week, and I've had to apologize to people because of it. I've been really up and made people uncomfortable with how bouncy I was. I've been on the gentle slope and been calm, cool and collected. It's not really a fun way to live, surfing on an emotional sine wave, and for a lot of reasons, I need it to stop. The rushing wind has been made strong, and that wind is both a comfort and a struggle.

All creatures lift their voices and sing, and I have little else that I can do.

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