Sunday, January 20, 2008

In between who I want to be and who I am

Well. As a holiday, yesterday was nice. After my last blog entry, we had a snowball fight, which was slightly complicated by the fact that the snow wasn't the best for packing. We had about 12 of us out there, and had a blast. Afterwards, a couple of us went over to our nice, snow-packed soccer/volleyball court and played small-field Ultimate Frisbee, which was fun. I had skipped Frisbee the day before because of the holiday situation, midweek Frisbee had gotten cancelled, and I couldn't get a driver for the week before. So getting to play was enjoyable. Our science teacher's 5-year old son played with us, for a 5 year old, he can throw the Frisbee pretty well. Then we did order out (it took a couple different calls to different restaurants before we could find one to deliver to us), and had a big little dinner. Then we had a little birthday celebration for a couple folks whose birthdays fell during the break. It made me glad that I deleted my birth date off of the server list, so now no one will know when it is, and I won't have to deal with a silly celebration. Maybe that's a flaw in my personality, and I... no, wait, that is a personality flaw that I've been working on for the past couple years, sometimes more unsuccessfully than others, that I don't take compliments or things of that nature well. Don't really know why, don't want to throw myself into another introspective funk while I try to figure out why. Wow, that wandered from a discussion of my activities. Sorry.

I brought back more music with me, discs that I had never ripped, lots of older stuff. I'm finding that there was about a two-three-four year period that I was really, really into heavy, hardcore, 'evil-devil-music' type of stuff. And that was mostly what I brought over. And I have less enjoyment out of that than I did then. So I brought back some older cds, discs that I really dug when I was 12, 14, 16. Maybe it's just an oldie phase, maybe that it's just that I'm mellowing a little here and don't need 'angry' music as an outlet, maybe I'm just a neophiliac (hey, I thought that might be a neologism, but the spell-checker recognizes it...) and since I didn't get lots of new music, this is a way to get new-old-music. Anyway, I'm really digging the last O.C. STones album, more than I recall liking it previously.

My good buddy jetlag, which I thought I had banished to the hinterlands of next trip, he came back. I think part of the problem is that I went to bed at 9:30. See, in my new apartment, I'm the only person who lives in that building, since I have a generator 'all to myself' I'm pretty much in charge of turning it on and off in the evenings. (Well, it gets turned off at a certain time, period) Because I'm essentially a weird person, I don't like to turn it and spend fuel and have lights and to charge my computer for a half hour or so. This leads me to write, e-mail or surf for a while on the omni wireless signal, but because I have had nothing heating the room all day and therefore more comfortable under the covers, I just end up going to bed. So I go to bed early, I wake up at weird times, like 12:19 A.M. Furthermore, this morning, I got some sleep after that, but broken up, dream-filled, and fitful. So in terms of being tired, I'm more tired today that if I had just had 4 hours sleep and then laid awake in bed. I really wish I had laid in bed awake instead of this fitful dreaming. The dreams were that bad, which always happens in those kind of situations where I wake up and then nap for a while.

I got my luggage today. I am kinda happy about it, but also fairly indifferent to most of it. I had about resigned myself to not getting it, which would have been frustrating but OK. Except for the presents and stuff for other people. Loosing that would have disappointed me. But the rest of the stuff? The clothes, the junk food, the random stuff? I didn't need it. As I was thinking when I was packing and moving out twice in two weeks over break, I have all this stuff I don't really need. I'm mobile, (fr)agile, do I really need another X pounds of stuff? At least a good bit of it is consumable. And for other people. And the stuff that was for other people, they were really happy to get. I'm... happy to be able to give to people. I really need to work on receiving from people. I just get uncomfortable when people thank me profusely. I think I'm too self-centered, and I just see myself in relation to them and I think about everything else that goes on in my life and in my head, and I think about how I don't deserve any thanks, praise, compliments. Getting deep again, starting on a different track.

I have this theme that I have been thinking about or writing about a decent amount recently, and it's something I don't understand. So I'm going to write about it here, because sometimes when I have to put my thoughts out for public consumption, I think of them in different ways and I start to understand more.

Yesterday during staff meeting, we spent a couple minutes having a group discussion on our reasons for being here. And I really don't understand why I'm here, or what it is I'm supposed to do here. Oh, I mean, I know what my job is, but I don't see the reasons that I stayed, and the purpose for my being here. I can see my somewhat selfish reasons, I can see my hopes for what I want, but I don't really understand any of it. There are things about my life that I am trying to figure out, and I'm really working hard on Talking about, on being honest, on being open and trying to talk about them and to talk to others to get advice on them. I feel like I'm not making real progress most days, as my thoughts about these things oscillate rapidly. Other days, I 'find' I've got things straight, only to 'find' that that's not the way. I know I'm not Dependent enough yet to have real answers, which frustrates me, but also challenges me to grow.
And a weird part of that growth is that some of my friends are doing what I find it uncomfortable and difficult to have happen. They're telling me about their problems. They're asking me for advice, in some cases with the very same things that I'm struggling to understand, in other cases with situations that I have no frame of reference to be able to help them with. It's a challenging, humbling thing. It's an area I need to grow in, but it's hard for me (which is why I get the opportunity, I guess). When my friends are hurting, I want to do more than just give them some words, I want to do more than say, "I don't know why this is happening, but don't Forget in this time." I want to really encourage, I want to say the magic words that will help them forget their pain and focus on what lies ahead and above. I don't have those words. I try to turn to the one who does, and maybe I have given some help, maybe not. I don't think I'll ever really know. Maybe that's part of one reason why I'm here. Because I don't have the words, because I don't have the full ability to encourage, and because all I can do is say, "Don't Forget." Because I need to grow, and this is preparation for something in the future. I think me being here is as much about me growing as it is about me doing anything. I think I needed to be here because I was getting in the way of my own real growth where I was once. I think I needed to come here to be here for at least one other person at a particular time.

I was looking back last night and tonight at a lot of my old writings. I wonder sometimes at who I was once. I see things that I need to begin concentrating on more, namely the Walk. Taking out the things that are in the way because I put them there, and focusing on the things that have been Given to me.

Last night, it was clear and cold out. I went out on my balcony for a few minutes (all I could stand in the cold.) It was beautiful. There was this ever so slight breath of the earth, like a gentle caress on my cheek. After an initial fit of... loneliness, instead, I took the opportunity to focus on the vastness of the sky above me, on the size of me in the midst of that. As I stood there, I could almost see the banner of the Lion on the breeze. I wish I could see it every day. The hills were covered in snow, and the sunlight bouncing off the moon onto their frozen faces made them just barely visible. I think I will go out again tonight, and lift my eyes up to the hills.

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