Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Breakthrough the pyrite

As I readjust to life in Kabul, I have lots of observations to share with you.

- It's far colder here now than when I left. Even though I have the towering inferno in my room, it's still cold often, especially because I don't want to fire up the stove if I'm not going to be in my room for less than two hours. I made it through the end of last semester only using the gas heater in my office two days, and other random times for long enough to warm the room back up. I've already ran out the bottle in less than a week of being back by running all three panels for all day. I need to rig up a heated keyboard somehow...

- Since it's colder, it makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning some days. I have my regular morning activities (showering is now included, since my hot water heater is fixed, and I no longer have to worry about hypothermia), and I've added turning on heaters for a couple people, so their classrooms are semi-warm when the kids come in. The third graders let me a neat note this morning that I have hanging on my wall now.

- Life doesn't stay the same. Because of the cold, staff departures, staff arrivals, my moving, and other stuff, life feels subtly different after the break from where it did before the break. That's taken a little realization, that how I thought things were before break aren't how they stay forever. But you know what? That's OK.

- Me and my good buddy jetlag are about to say goodbye to each other for a while, I think. I did only get 4ish hours last night, but after I woke up at 2:30, I dozed some for the next three hours. Which I hadn't done yet, and gives me hope that my jetlag is about done. I can go on low sleep for a while, but eventually there comes a point when I can't, which shouldn't hit for another two weeks, by which time jet lag should be history.

- Having my good buddy around has given me plenty of time to think in the past couple days, like I mentioned in an earlier post. This isn't always the best situation for me, because my brain runs and runs and runs and runs. Yesterday morning, it was going miles a minute, all my worries, my insecurities, my lack of faith and trust, all these things taking their own turn at assailing my mind, making me wonder why I thought I could come back, pointing out my lack of ability to do the things I am supposed to, pitting my self-doubt against my critical nature. Making me doubt if I came back for the right reasons. This had been going for days... but yesterday morning, I stopped it for a while. I started Talking instead of thinking. I Talked about my struggles, about the things I don't understand. I Talked about things my friends had asked me to. I Talked about the things that I have seen Done in me in the last few months. And I had another little breakthrough of sorts. I saw that by taking my focus away from myself, I began to see myself in a more proper context. I felt that the things I am being taught now aren't about skills, aren't about what I can or can't do, but rather about having faith in what is Planned. That I'm not here to do this or that, to make plans, or to have all wisdom and knowledge. I'm here to Follow, I'm here to obey even when I can't understand. I'm here to be Used, in spite of mine own failings. I'm here because I took one step when I was told to Go. I'm here for reasons I'll never see. I like to see and know, and it seems like every few days, months, weeks, hours, I have to relearn the lesson that I don't get to know everything when I would like to, and I have to Trust. Wish I could learn it once and for all, but I'm grateful that He chooses to still give me the reminders I need and the strength to persevere.

- If you read the news, you know that some bad stuff has happened around here the past couple days. The last one was the most sobering reminder yet of the situation around us. I could grow extremely concerned about myself and my safety easily. While I do think about it sometimes, and while I do try to be careful, I know my life is in Hands not mine own, and everything happens according to the Will of the One who loves me and holds my life.

- I still don't have my luggage. I want it, and I guess I'll get it someday, but if I don't... that's life. I want the material possessions in there, but if I don't get them, I won't cry. I will miss getting my running shoes... my rolos... my books... the presents for people... the presents especially. Oh well. Such is life.

- I have terrific friends here.

- I have a neat thank you card from the Third Graders on my wall, and that is really cool.

- I have to start work now.

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