Sunday, January 13, 2008

The bodies that we still war against.

I and the towering inferno are a comfortable pair. He burns well, I feed his gaping red maw on a semi-regular basis, and are rewarded with good heat. I need to slow down on the amount of wood I burn, and let it be a little colder, but it's been truly nice so far.

School started back up today, and it was nice to see the kids again. I didn't have the best day, I woke up at 2:00 A.M. this morning, became unreasonably crabby when I had to walk across campus at 6:00 A.M. to get a hot shower, and since the power had just come on, only got three minutes of hot water. But I feel clean, so that's a plus. I just washed my hair the past couple days, since my water heater isn't working, and I think if I took a full shower, I'd get hypothermia. I feel kind of guilty complaining about not having a hot shower, when there are plenty of people here who don't even have the money for wood or gas to keep warm. I have power, internet, good food, clean water, a job, the ability to go to America...

So sometimes, in the middle of the day, I need to take a couple minutes out to gain perspective on things. Yeah, the stupid copier is jamming every fifteen minutes. Yeah, I'm not quite sure what I need to prioritize to work on next. Yeah, my luggage isn't here yet. But so what? I have more than I need. There are worse problems than a jammed copier.

Part of the issue with jetlag coming here for me is that I wake up at ridiculous times, and then can't go back to sleep. And so I have lots of time to think about things, just laying in bed. And you're not fully coherent or conscious at those times. Since I've had over ten hours to do that in the last couple days, I've thought a lot of not exactly coherent thoughts, thoughts about a lot of things. I'm anxious and uncertain about a lot of things going on, things I don't know, see, or understand. Combine the anxiety with lying awake thinking, and just the weariness of jetlag, this is a recipe for my tired depression. Today was just long, and then after work I went back to my room and was moping around. I started to Read, and was reminded of where strength for today really comes from, and where my cares really should go. So I took some time to try to place them there. And that helped. Not that it fixes everything with me instantly, that it gives me guidance in all these situations that I am trying to chart a course through, but the release of worry gives a sense of freedom. And casting away my anxieties doesn't mean that the problem disappears, but that I am having faith and trusting that I am not the one who has to take care of everything. Someone else is already taking care of me.

So, for now, I put my life in not mine own hands. I could have sunk myself, except for the winds of grace in my sails.

No comments: