Friday, September 14, 2007

Even when you don't feel the best.

Peradventure I should not be exciting you by blogging twice in a day.

Recall how earlier I talked about all of the extra processes running in my head? I guess it may be hard that I mention them without describing the things that are running, but sorry, that's all you are getting. But what I do wish to comment on is the fact that sometimes, I get distracted, I get distracted, wait, what was the winning percentage of the Sox in '35?

This can make it hard to sit in meeting sometime. Good stuff is being presented, I should listen, but I just can't make myself focus. Even starting to write this, I thought I was going to stay focused on it, and I've not. Part of it is what's running already, part of it is new threads spawning off. Sometimes, it makes me very tired of being this way, and wishing I had been Wired differently.

So, I went out to eat with some folks after playing Volleyball this night. Now, I am almost endemically frustrated with me who I was and who I am. Sometimes, realizing that I have agreed to interact with people in such a fashion, I have this strong desire to curl up, wishing for the Saturdays of my youth, with their uncomplicated patterns. I feel alien in a place such as this.

Sometimes I can't keep the frustration from seeping out, from relating to the things people say, the things people sing, the way people talk or don't. I envy others with their easy, seemingly effortless interactions, their ability to have social skills without having to really try. I envy, but yet I recognize the following things as well. Firstly, many people have the same inevitable sense of personal rightness that I do about things, but just in different areas. So just as I, they feel their sense of inexorability about social situations, instead of about their own thoughts. Secondarily, I can do things other people can't. I can shut down, shut people and things out, and ninja something into a working fashion, whether it is machines, code, my thoughts, I can close the windows to the outside world, get my head around a problem or system, and fix it. Other people don't have that luxury. Thirdly, it's a mistake to assume that since I don't conform to the models or the patterns that others have established, it means that I am incompetent or whatever. Rather, my metrics of social competency have a fundamentally different point of view than the metrics of someone else.

Around now, we have come to the questions at hand, namely, what is probably my problem? It's that the standards that I hold are often diametrically opposed to those that I should hold. The questions that I ask are usually the wrong ones. The conclusions that I draw are self-seeking, the courses of action that I take selfish. Presently as you ponder, these problems reveal themselves to be not much different than the rest of humanity. My problem is that they think they are, and so my pride takes hold yet again. The truth is that I am no different from anyone else, no more or less than they are. People are the same all over. I may not understand them, I may agree with them, I may not appreciate them, I may hold different philosophies, I may not be in the same place as them, I may feel differently about them than they do about me, but we're the same. We have the same defects, the same Decay.

I wish, today, to take arms against myself. Set me up, knock down. Change, rearrange, clean out the double-paned window, find Freedom. I wish, today, to be the grateful son, not the rich and spoiled one. I hope you do as well.

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