Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Expanse (or What The Prisoner Dreamt Of)

Moody and introspective.

It's not been the best stretch for me. I'm frustrated by living here. I am frustrated at my job.

And I have been thinking.

I am trying to read more these days. One of the things that I have read recently was a collection by Schaffer. One of the things he talks about is how the hillside experience, with a towering chorus and reassurances that they were receiving good news, would have left the shepherds irrevocably changed. I read that and wonder, have I been changed? How often do I, or do I really, evidence that change? Am I the same as I used to be, or have I been changed?

I think this often while I am here. Am I really living as I should? What do I need to do to change? How can I see the fruit of His change in my life?

Perhaps I could just list a list of simple things? But that feels trite and rehearsed, as though I'm listening for an echo of the former things. Perhaps I could look back and see the ways that I have changed? Yet when I do that, I wonder if I am settling for less than the best that could be offered to me, and if I am failing to push on and push ahead.

Sometimes I realize how much I have to grow and mature when I rail against the lack of care and consideration that is put into my life. Then I also fail to really strive after that care, so is it my fault, or the fault of those who I thought would invest that in me? It seems to me that often, here in this context (I speak of a larger context than just my current place and time, but in the life of living outside of one's home culture for the purposes I have chosen), we fail to pursue our own walk with the zeal that we should. I know at times that I say, "I am over here, isn't that enough?" And I think that in many cases and at many times, the answer is no, it is not enough.

I don't think it will come as any surprise to those that know me well that I stress out about the future. When I consider myself, I can't tell if I live in the present or look to the future. I am excited for the future, and just want it to get here. But yet the future also frightens me. I am about to be married. Am I focused on that or am I just focused on getting done with the current state of being single? (Does that question make sens?) Am I talking too much about what is to come without regard for what is now? I need to find a job, and while I have peace about it, I'm also terrified that it's a self-delusional peace born out of my inherent laziness and avoidance of anything even remotely resembling planning?

When I wake up in the morning, I often don't want to get up and go to work. The last time that happened, I feel like it was Him pushing me on. But aren't I doing what I thought I was led to do here? The conclusion I come to, then, is that it is my attitude that is the problem. It's not the people around me that irritate me, it's not the environmental or cultural factors, it's not the job or the boss, it's just me.

How do I resolve this? How to understand, embrace, and walk through the fact that I am not and will never be all that I wanted to be? How to find the truth that I know is out there ready to be grasped if I only would?

I want to be in the company of men given something to say. I guess I have to be one of those for that to happen.

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