Monday, October 27, 2008

No release from my own words

I usually don't blog during the work day, and I shouldn't be now, but I've got a lot of stuff rolling around in my head that I feel like if I put it down, I might be able to set it aside and get some work done. So, here goes.

If you're reading this, you know where I am. If you're reading the news, you know some of the events that have been going down here of late. I know some things I can't post here. Short way to say it is that this place reminds the world of the depravity still evident in it. People kill, people claim, people die, people lose, people gain, people fear, people defy. The black and the white aren't so easily distinguished.

Yet, in all of this, I have a simple peace. Come what may, my hand stays firm on the tiller. You may not understand it, I can't explain it to you. But I'm supposed to be in this place for this season. The struggle, the death, the life, the grief, the chains, none of them matter. If I were supposed to leave, I would feel it. I don't feel it. I'm careful, certainly. I'm not going to go running down some main road with an American flag wrapped around my shoulders. But I'm not scared. Do you hear me, people who want to make me scared? I'm not scared of what you can do to me. I fear what you can do to my friends, to this country, but I'm not scared of you. You may prowl like a lion, seeking to devour me, but I've got someone stronger at my back.

Yeah, I may not have a wife and kids, and that may change everything, but does it really? If I say I surrender all, but then hold them back from the hands or the plan, what have I really surrendered? Take all of me, leave me nothing left to give, nothing left to lose. Come what may, I will run, I will run to the world's ending if so called. I will run in quiet, I will run in noise, I will run in turmoil, in peace, I will run in the fire and in the waves. I will run through the end of my dreams, I will run through the fulfillment of them. I will run despite my failings, despite my insecurities. I will run despite the cold and I will run despite the rain.

Do you hear me, men who would seek my life? I will stay here for here I have been called. I will stay here to show you that your plans may come to fruition, but your purposes will be thwarted. I will stay here for, where else could I go? I will stay here because the wisdom of this world is failing and foolish.

I will stay because I have to.

I will stay because there is no safer place I could be.

I will stay not because my pride compels me, but because my Boss asks me.

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