Thursday, October 16, 2008

First the left, then the right.

I do cartwheels leading with my left hand. I can barely do them if I lead with my right hand.

I need to get out and go, I have speak for a small group meeting this morning. I'm pretty inadequate to be able to do this, especially right now, when I'm having trouble dealing with people, let alone new people. I feel like I just want to keep quiet, not speak, not be around these things any more. It seems like there's no escape, no freedom, no retreat. There's just nothing to do with anything of the rest of this. I can't even do simple things without messing up, without lacking tact.

Steadfastness, self-control, brotherly affection. At the pinnacle comes love. Can I do that? Can I be that person? Is there a way that I can avoid listening to the noise, and concentrate on the Voice? Here we go again, into a single phase of existence, one where I can't stop looking in the mirror and wondering where the edge is, wondering what separates me from that ideal of myself that I've constructed and that I see when I look at the pressed silver.

I wish I could move past this. Instead, it seems like I have to deal with it every couple months or so. I need to go. I think I'm going to go try to reassure Max that he's not in a lonely place. Maybe it's not just Max.

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