Friday, July 25, 2008

The silent registration desk to umbrage

The stark realization dawns - I wasn't meant to be that way. All the things that guys like me are 'supposed to do.' Yeah, all of them were never to be me. I look back and see clearly now, the wife, the mini-van, the 2.1 children... Billboards and pillars, all that I see. I judged my own book by staring at what I wanted the cover to be. And what happened instead? I got shaken (not just stirred), and I saw that I couldn't do those things. The stability, the familiarity, the lifestyle I thought I always wanted wasn't really what I was designed for. The complexities of all of the things I was consumed with, they became one simple fact - I was not meant to do that anymore.

And the thing that I didn't realize until today is this: I never actually wanted to be that kind of person in the first place. I never truly wanted the wife, the mini-van, the house, the stable job, the kids, the suburban American Dream. Nothing wrong with it, and probably what other people are meant to do, meant to have. Just not me. I didn't really want it, I suppose the truth is that I didn't know (still don't know) what it is that I actually want, but that matters less and less to me now. I say this not as in it matters to me less today than yesterday, but less today than it did a year ago. At the same time, I have to be careful whose wants I give in to. I must be what people need, not what they want, and not at the expense of the directives I have been given in life.

This post became more serious than I desired, so I leave you with one final thought - I was looking at pics from earlier in my childhood today, and some of them are truly, truly scary. I think I'll scan a couple and post them just so you can see that I really did have a long way to come to get to be who I am today.

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