Friday, June 20, 2008

Far more

So, I've now been in the states for over a week. I've eaten out with numerous people, hung out with friends and family, read three books, watched a couple movies, played through a couple computer games, and generated lots of assumptions about life, the universe, and everything.

I've got so much to say, and no real way to say it. My context switch is fumbling and sticky, and I'm never quite sure where I am or who I am. The last year changed me more and less than I thought it did. See, when I went to Kabul, I said, "I'm going to adjust to this no matter what." I did. I adjusted. Coming back to the states, I didn't get that idea in my head. When a number of things have changed in the states, too, I needed to adjust. But I didn't have it in my head that I would have to. So, I'm struggling to adjust.

I'm also just struggling to grasp the Reality of life around me. There are a number of situations occurring in and around me that I was not expecting to occur as they have, and I am struggling to know how to approach them properly. I wish I had a greater measure of strength and knowledge in my attempts to follow the path I walk down, but the interesting thing is that if I had a greater measure of strength and knowledge, the path would grow more difficult in grade, but not more difficult in my effort to tackle it, I think. Put another way, if you are training with weights, when you begin, forty kilos might seem extremely heavy. But the more you work out and gain muscle, 40 kilos is no big deal. The weight isn't any lighter, your ability to deal with it has changed. Likewise, as you learn math, you begin to be able to do problems like derivation quickly. Has the difficulty of being able to derive changed? No, you're just able to do it, and so you get harder and harder problems. I recognize that as I grow and learn to walk down the path, the difficulty level stays the same, but my ability to deal with that difficulty grows. Must admit here, sometimes it shrinks, but it mostly grows. None of this means that it isn't a struggle, however. I still wish that I could have the wisdom to understand the steps I should take. But I won't stop just because I can't see the way. At some point, I just have to trust, walk forward and not get angry when my foot catches along the way, or my muscles get so tired.

I used to take air for granted. Now that I live in a place where the air quality is horrific, I still take air for granted. But still, I receive life and breath. Care to come along with me up into the air, and someday leave this rough and broken path behind?

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