Saturday, May 10, 2008


At least I don't have to pay for all the things I've done.

I'm struggling to figure out how to relate what I want to talk about in this post. Lots of reasons for this, mostly having to do with the fact that I guess I'd need to somehow shoehorn you inside my head with all the other stuff going on inside it for this to truly make sense.

I guess at the end of the day, I can't relate much more than to say the semester is wearing down but keeps going, I am struggling with wanting shut people out and yet disliking spending the evening alone for the tenth day in a row, frustrated with the lack of direction at my job yet somehow staying busier than I want, wishing I could just be done with things in this phase and still not knowing what I should do about it. I perceive in saying all these things that I am still a liar, in a way, since this doesn't accurately convey the processes that are all running in my head. Sometimes I feel like all my brain does is try to come up with the biggest tree for a ps -aux that it can. And I guess in a way, I know that I am going to be fine tomorrow because I'm in the hands that made the colors.

Sleep's been coming hard for me again, I don't get tired at night and it gets light early. That's a funny metaphor for my current state that I can't explain to you and I probably won't understand in a week when I read this again.

And even with all this that is running at a whirlwind pace inside the teapot that is my head, I have a couple constants. I know that I am supposed to be here, and the struggles that I have are a refining process and I'm trying to hold on to bits that need to be purified from me. I know that I will make it through this, just maybe not how I pictured it when it started. Even though some days I want to quit, I can't ever go back to the 'normal' that never really was. Understanding isn't a requirement in my current place. For right now I'm OK with being stuck here waiting. For now, I'm OK with hoping to be taken home when home has been prepared. For now, I know that one day where I am and what I have to deal with will be...

No more illusions. I haven't found the end yet. I can't set me free. And until that day comes, I'm just another man, broken, filled, put here because I called. And I won't let go. Come what may, I will run.

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