Sunday, May 25, 2008

I can't be sturdy or pretend.

Hard drives (more specifically, file system volumes that are mounted) on Mac OSX can have a descriptive name attached to them. My main hard drive is named Ablative Armor.

My computer is my ablative armor way too much. Today started out good with a nice wallk, but then more and more, I just wanted people to quit calling me, I wanted things to quit getting assigned to me with short deadlines, and just curl up with my projects and my computer, and burn off some of my frustration in a controlled manner.

It's 9:15 P.M., and I'm waiting for some video to render. I'm telling myself I'm leaving at 10:30 P.M. I guess I'll go home and curl up away from my dreams. It makes no sense sometimes what we have to fall into, what we think we don't need, but we just have to deal with it, you know? I wish I knew what was just a dream. I wish I knew what could ever be permanent.

I have this growing sense of where some things about my life are headed, but I've had it before. It would be nice to know what the final verdict was, but that would be premature. So I just try not to wander but walk with purpose. Trust is all I can manage some days, but soon these some days will be those days, and the light of former days is pale and cold, and doesn't provide illumination for the path ahead.

I wish I was Moved more. I wish I knew what the difficulty in these things was.

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