Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Could I come home if I knew the way?

One day, I will wake up, and never find the living among the dead.

I think the thing that I struggle the most with here is the inability to be alone, but the ability to be profoundly lonely sometimes. We live on a compound in the middle of a city of millions of people. It's never really quiet, never really dark, and you never exactly feel like you're away from people. In this situation, I find it easy to cultivate an easy intimacy with my teammates that feels like it is deeper than simple friendship, but I guess really isn't. Some people here have told me they feel like they can talk to me or they can trust me, and I wonder who it is that they know or think they're talking to, because I don't recognize that person that they talk about.

Who I am is self-centered, brutish, rude, inconsiderate, lazy. I guess either I deceive everyone else or myself. I know there is something that has been started in me, and that this will be completed, but I can't see myself as the right tool for this job right now. I just want to work all this out in my head, but I also guess that I'm going to be working this out for a while.

Apparently, there is something fairly wrong with a guy who is a huge egotist but doesn't take compliments well. Someone gave me one yesterday, and it still bothers me. I wish I had someone else to blame things on, but at the end of the day it is just me, just one lazy, ineffective person.

I guess this makes me sound depressed or something. I'm not depressed, there's merely a lack of clarity in my head about the things I'm supposed to do or be. Maybe it's not just in my head, and that's something else I have to process.

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