Tuesday, April 15, 2008

No more wretchedness.

I had a not great day today. My dealing-with-people module still is spitting compile errors back when I try to make sense of all that is going on. I had to sub for two different teachers on literally, "Can you go do so-and-so's class because they're going home sick" notice immediately before class started. We had staff meeting tonight and I heard more that I wanted to.

I signed my contract and turned it in yesterday. I know I'm supposed to be here. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm overwhelmed with everything that I should be getting done, the only person I feel like I can actually talk to on here is on vacation, and I selfishly want him to come back so we can have one of our sit and talk sessions. My friends hurt, and I can't do anything about it. I can't do anything to take their struggles on myself, and I don't even know what to say.

I don't do well to be angry. I know there's some future in all of this, I know there will be changes. I know there is an Answer inside of this, inside of me. I would live my life as I should if only I knew how to actually do that. Instead, I just walk on as best I can, and Trust that giving and taking away are done in unequal measure.

Would I that all of this could change and that I would be perfected. I would die to breathe You in. I'll give the things that I can't afford to lose, because if I could afford to lose them, what would be the point of keeping them?

I would die to breathe You in.

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