I don't know what to talk about anymore. There are lots of things I need to be circumspect on, and lots more that I just don't know how to talk about.
When someone asks, "How are you doing?" I just want to give the a story that they'll buy, hook and sinker. That way, when I say things that I don't mean, I can not worry about them knowing that I'm just saying nice and pretty words so they won't bother me anymore.
The truth of the matter is that I just want to go Home. And I'm not ready to go there yet. The trials and tribulations in my life, minor as they are, are building me to the future that I have to experience. I can't see the reason for most of them, but I trust that there are plans that will take me where I couldn't have gone on my own. I'm equal parts fool and coward these days.
I don't get to sleep until after midnight and then I wake up when it gets light out at 5:15 or so. I try to work out, but my knees really are resisting recently. I try to moderate my food intake, but some days I just want to eat and eat and eat.
In the midst of this, I know I'm supposed to be here. I know it, I can give you some reasons but in the end it just comes down to I am supposed to be here. I long for the shore, but I swim in the ocean for now, focusing on the horizon.
Maybe this seems all to morose, that I should be happy and bouncy all the time. I would do that, but it would be a lie. I'd rather you understood that happiness isn't really as important as many people in the States make it out to be. I'd rather be profoundly unhappy and know I was where the Plan was for me to be than be happy and ignorant of the Plan.
And some day, I'll get to go Home.
Thursday, April 24, 2008