Thursday, March 27, 2008

Then You gave

So, I've been working for an hour and a half on a weekend. I should work more, because next week I have to sub for our computer teacher, and be the sound guy/tech head for the two plays our drama club is producing in two different locations on two different nights. But I really don't want to work more. Fact of the matter is, I just want to go back to my room and play my friend's borrowed XBox360 for the rest of the day. I used to do that all the time, play video games. When I do it now, it seems so empty. When I do a lot of things now, they seem empty. I don't know if I just need to wake up, or if there really is something there that I need to find and grab a hold of.

Maybe this is just the regular stresses of a place like this. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I have a good outlet with any of the people here. Maybe it's because I just refuse to grab hold of real peace. Maybe it's because I just want things to change. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's something deeper.

This seems to be the thing that I can't see right now - the long term. I'll get my contract for next year pretty soon, and while I'm confident I'll actually sign it, at times recently, I've thought about not signing it. I know I'm supposed to, but I guess I have more in common with the son of Amittai than I should. Consequences to decisions are less severe than I thought they were, but still, that doesn't mean that I like them. I guess when I get tired of running, the words will come back to my ears, like the prodigal. Doors close, and wanting them to re-open may be human, but that doesn't mean they should reopen, if you can read between the lines and figure that all out.

I just got our calendar for the rest of the school year - almost two months. It seems full as all get out. Yet I know that parts of it will fly by and then I'll wonder where the time went.

I've managed to source myself for some goodies, maybe. We'll see if this happens.

Maybe today is the day where I do something right for once. Maybe not. Either way, I'm useless and more than useless at the same time. How's that for uniformity?

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