Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Rest in the cold.

Well, we have no school tomorrow. Instead, we're working on accreditation. So it means that while I will have some accreditation-related work, most of my day will be able to be spent catching back up. To an extent. I know I won't be able to get everything done, but I should be able to get a good bit of it done, and so feel good about myself and my success as a school employee. Probably a vain hope, but who knows.

I do and I don't want to be here tonight. I know I am supposed to be here. I really want to be back in KS, preparing for the end-of-season basketball tournament that I helped run and coached in for the last five years. Having seen the boys grow and mature all year, and now time for the payoff. Instead, I'm here, running after school basketball for guys I sometimes feel aren't listening when I try to help, don't know anything about basketball, and would get beat seriously if I had my KS guys around. I know I'm supposed to be here, but I really don't want to be tonight.

We had a team meeting tonight, and one of the things we were supposed to do was share with each other some things that were bothering us so we could Remember them. Semi-fortunately, we had just done that yesterday in guys group, and the people in my small group were all guys from the group, so I really didn't have to share lots. But when you're in a big room, and trying to talk quietly so as not to disturb anyone, or be overheard by anyone, you feel secretive even when you're supposed to be open. That was kind of stressful for me, and so after we got done, I tried to disappear as quickly and quietly as I could. I went an shot baskets for a while, then secreted myself to my quiet spot, and sat in Thought for a while.

There are many times that I would truly like to see the outcome of my work here, and I am frustrated that I don't seem to be shown that outcome. But then I know something important, something key. Rmns8-twenty four and five are basically saying that if I see these things, then what hope do I really have? So I am doing my best to have that kind of hope, hope in the promise that it will be fulfilled.

This isn't another dream. I have been Directed here for a reason. I just press on.

I press on. To whatever end.

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