Saturday, March 15, 2008

Logic and meetings and the abstraction of loud


I haven't really slept in the last week or so. I got to sleep at 11:00 or so last night and woke up at three. And had the silly English test this morning. That went fine, even after it sat at 20% downloaded for an hour or so, and then finished the last 80% in 20 minutes. I'm glad it's over. I'm thankful to my friends for caring, including my pal who texted me and said he had been Remembering it.

I need to do something different with the different things that need something. My hand is shaking because after the staff meeting today, I went and beat on the punching bag for a while. Then maxed out on the lifts. I'm probably going to go back and work out again, in hopes that I'll be able to tire myself out enough to sleep.

I hate times like this, because I start to get emotional about a lot of silly things, and then I just start going up and down emotionally, and I start doing dumb things. I should talk to people about stuff, probably, but everyone here deals with so much, I can't be much help to them when I all do is unload my own problems on them. So I just keep it inside, and hope to hide it from people as much as I can. And I just feel like people around here are picking on me. I'm probably just too sensitive, but they had this desperate need to watch the crummy promo video, then do other things to pick on me, then I just didn't care anymore and let them pick on me more. And they picked on me last night, just because they wanted to see me turn red. I just don't like interacting with people around here sometimes.

Don't want any of this to happen how it is. I need to break or be broken. I need to have the little bits I need to lose taken away, ripped off, polished off. Sometimes losing these bits hurts, and I think it's OK to complain about it. Or maybe it's not. Just not OK to forget why that had to go away.

Burn the pages of my own little diary. Walk away and find the newness.

Just a page in the book.

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