Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Would You still take me?

I want to post, but there really isn't anything here other than what I feel. And what I feel doesn't make for interesting reading. I guess because I am who I am, I post anyway.

Today was hectic. I felt like I kept bouncing around all morning, then had an hour or so reprieve, then bounced around more. Because my apartment is only heated when I fire up the stove, and I don't want to fire up the stove if I'm not going to be there for less than about two hours, I have no real desire to go to my apartment. So I stay in my office until supper. And of course I have stuff to do, but sometimes, I don't want to do any more. I guess I could go work out, but there are other people that work out before supper, and I would rather work out alone. I guess I need to just stop whining.

I was going to call home tonight, but then I let someone else borrow my phone because they said Skype wasn't working, and I have lots of phone units because of whose phone I got at the end of the semester.

We had our team meeting tonight, and it was a really great time until the end, when we broke into little groups to Talk about the things we are afraid of. I don't want to talk about that with other people. I... more than anything else, I fear hearing, "Depart from me." And... I don't know what I should do. I know I need to accept what has been given to me, without condition or string. I know I need to give back, not in an attempt to repay, but as an expression of love. I don't know how to do that.

Don't I wish that I was stronger? I wish that I could stand here and tell you that just because I struggle, doesn't mean that I feel like I don't have answers. But I don't. Somehow, I need to obey this idea that I don't even understand, I need to follow this path that I can't see the end of. I want to have strength so that I can shine to those around me, but some days, I can't even see to the end of my arm.

All I want to give gets caught between every rib. What does that make me?

What does that make me?

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