Thursday, December 13, 2007

With apologies to DNA.

I've got this bribe going on with one of the teachers, wherein they get Snickers bars. I told the teachers that if I got what I wanted, more Snickers were destined. That prompted the reply to me asking if or how Snickers have a destiny. Since I'm being lazy while working on stuff today, I took up the time to type up this answer.

I think Snickers have this one single destiny set before them during the time of the assemblage at the factory. You know, they get individually layered together, then cooled quickly to harden them in their frame. And in those magical moments when they are sitting in the darkened freezer, hardening and congealing, the tiniest little bit of sentience comes upon them.

And the Mars company, knowing this, has quietly invested in hundreds of thousands of diverse little research projects, all seemingly unconnected, but under the control of one master project whose goal is to create a quantum computer which can look into the future, and predict every single possible universe, and every single possible future for the Snickers bars, and then speaks to the Snickers bar in it's brief moment of sentience and asks, "What future would you like?" and quickly presents it with the 10 scenarios that seem most likely to please that Snickers. The little chemical reactions of chocolate and caramel and nut in the Snickers make a quick, instinctive choice, and then, as the shell begins to congeal, it's sentience fades away, to be wrapped up in a plastic liner for the rest of it's corporeal existence.

Then, in a capricious bit of supply-chain management, the distribution house has no idea that a secret quantum computer inhabits the freezer, and so every Snickers bar is randomly shipped to a distribution warehouse and sent across the world, without regard to the brief shining dream that the Snickers bar had while in the freezer.

In a bit of news that would also seem to explain a lot more of the universe, if only we could understand it, when the computer talks to Milky Way bars, every single bar thinks, "Oh no, not again" in their moment of coherent thought.

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