Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Where else?

I remember the last time I had a day that was like today. Interestingly enough, it was around 5 and a half months ago. A day where almost all I could think about was, "What in the world did I just do?" Because I feel like I just way over extended and over committed myself to do something that I have no ability to, I agreed to do something because of my own desires and hubris, and now reality has stuck its cold face on the situation.

It happened a little sooner than I thought it would, and I was not as prepared for it as I thought I would be. This was a day where, back in the States, I would have shot out the door at 5:00 P.M. and either gone driving for a while, or gone home and lost myself in the soma of video games. Here, I don't really have those options, so after work, I went and worked out (involving ever-so-slightly more than normal beating on the punching bag) fairly hard, went and shot baskets for a while before going and tearing down the gear from the Student Council movie night, then ate supper in a fairly stolid and melancholy manner. After this, I came back to my room and spent the evening reading, writing, looking over old diaries, journal entries, study outlines, family pictures. I remembered who I was once. (And boy, I must have weighed 20-30 pounds more in '04!)

Who I was would not have been able to understand why I made the decision that I made a few days ago. Who I am now doesn't understand why I made the decision either, but at least I have some framework to be able to process the decision. So peradventure, let this who is now explain to you why he has felt the way that he has today. Some more context before the explanation can begin. We had a team meeting last night where we talked about the (in my opinion, silly and restrictive) Meyers-Briggs personality inventory. I dislike this test because I've taken it 3 times (that I can remember), and seem to remember getting every letter but E, and some of the others at fairly far extremes.

Anyway, this got me thinking more about how I engage the culture and people around me very poorly - if I had to guess, I engage less than anyone else on staff, since I don't have to interact with students or the public all that much. I see the engagement and interaction that some of the other staff have, and I wonder why I have been sent to a place such as this. I recall my own difficulties in interacting with the expatriate staff at the school, let alone the local staff.

But the perspective I am striving to take is that accidents do not happen, and the reasons for my being here are far simpler and far more complicated than I could ever imagine. The things that hold me back are myriad, from my own insecurities, to the doubts and fears such as those that have assailed me today. Still, I do not lose hope, or let slip the grasp I have on Truth. For who is man that You are mindful of him, and how many hairs number my head? Sufficient is the day for its own troubles.

There's much more I wish I could say, but the words just don't come. Where else?

I think it's OK to sometimes feel confused.

Jude 24ff.

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