Monday, January 15, 2007

Not in the fog.

This is a throwback to the earlier heyday of this blog.

Today hasn't been stellar. I feel like an angst-y fool even typing that. The things that I can control have gone poorly, while the things that I can't change have gone fairly well. I'm a lousy basketball coach, my car is in the shop and will probably need to be replace, I can't help people do their jobs because I communicate poorly. I'm getting fat, I can't work on my writing because I don't have the motivation, I don't have a girlfriend because I refuse to, I just goof off all the time that I'm not working, I spend way too much money on junk food, I talk about things that I never do, make resolutions to change and then always stay the same.

I don't know where the beginning, middle, end or anything lie. What's the climax, what's the falling action, what's the catastrophe or the denouement? Why do I refuse to take the path that leads to the way where I won't ever have to walk alone on? I don't even know how I got here. I don't know if I really even dislike it.

I bought a new computer, then my car dies. My computer still hasn't shipped, so maybe I can cancel that. Maybe I shouldn't do this anymore. Maybe I should be stronger, maybe I should be weaker, maybe I should just not care anymore, maybe I should be the start, maybe.

The finish isn't what I said it would be when I started down this road. Where I could stop isn't where I am right now. I don't know if I left it, or if I never really knew where it was to begin with. Maybe. You can always change. You can always fight. Right now, all I know is that it's not as bright or as it once was. I need to fight to fall or to fail, and I just run away to the comfort.

Maybe I can actually sleep tonight.

Maybe I can find the depths or the heights. Maybe I can make the right decision. Maybe.

What a waste of talent and space I am. What I could have been, I let what I shouldn't have become overshadow me.

It's cold. I don't like it here.

All I have left is profanity, so maybe I'll try to sleep now.

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