Thursday, May 27, 2010

To understand

Good morning, readers.

Yesterday was our school's graduation. There were 11 seniors, some really good kids, who are now leaving us and going into the wide world. The graduation, after emergencarily (why is that not a word?) getting moved due to the big conference which was supposed to start this week, went pretty well. I did sound, and because of the move, we didn't have as many frills as in the past, which meant I could just take our little sound system and set up in about 20 minutes instead of it taking me 3 hours. That was nice. The ceremony was pretty good, but it did remind me of what country I live in, when the speaker, the head of education for this country, was describing some of his vision for education in the country (that by 2020 every child would have access to basic education, in a building, with qualified teachers), and he said that, "I hope to see these things come to pass, if I am not assassinated before then." This has seriously to be one of the only countries in the world where almost the entire room laughs at a speaker's joke about his own possible assassination.

So now, there are about two more weeks of school left, and just over a month before we leave. It really feels like the year is winding down. We know people are leaving soon, and I think the reality that I'm not coming back next year hasn't fully sunk in yet. Three years is not and is a lot of time to invest in a place. The relationships we have built here are going to, and not going to, end in many ways. The time of transition is coming on, in a way it never exactly has in my life. When I went off to college, it was with the thought that I would still stay connected to friends. And I did. When I left there, it was more of a sudden switch away, and I didn't have the time to really transition. When I came here, tit was originally just a short term deal, and it gradually became three years. Now, we're leaving, and we're heading into another great unknown. I think the unsettling that I feel about that is more than I realized. And I know I can't hold on to here, but I don't have anything tangible I can grab on to and hold for the next stage, except for D. And I'm not much of one for goodbyes, so closing this chapter out is hard and means I turn into her more than I perhaps should at times. I don't want to do things with people, because it reminds me that we'll soon be gone.

I've been thinking more recently on how to be who I am called to be wherever I go. I want to be His child where I am, and I know ways to do that here. I know I need to develop more in that area, especially when we move, but I don't know how. I also feel like I am growing in my understanding of how the larger world works, and that also plays a roll in helping me to understand how to serve as I am called. All of this to say, I don't know how life looks like next, and that makes me unsettled as well.

Why do I bring all this up?

Is it because I want to be whiny and for you to feel pity for me?

Not really.

It's because this is what life is about.

Not knowing, not understanding, sometimes feelingly like nothing ever happens, sometimes feeling like you are lurching along from crisis to crisis, and then other times feeling as though you have everything under control. It's about seeing the path that you are supposed to Walk, and walking it. It's about knowing that by yourself, you are going to live, but that you need to just die so you can truly live. It's about dependency, trust, surrender, and action. It's about waking up in the morning, knowing that the day is sufficient for its own troubles.

It's about keeping your feet on the water.

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