Sunday, November 30, 2008

Open Skies

Who that reads my blog knows me? I surmise the answer to that is more or less everyone. I figure it's a safe summation, as I don't know how else you would have found your way here. That aside, if you know me, you probably know the following things : I ponder a decent amount, and I usually tie together the things that I am pondering. (I also ponder the imponderable sometimes. When I really do this, my gut shrinks up and I have a feeling of... scale, and where I am. That's humbling)

Thoughts on...

My personality. My personality is such that I don't like doing things unless I can do them right. I don't even like to start them. I was talking to one of my co-workers here (who I've made help me by being my 'task tracker' whom I have weekly status meetings with and show what I have or have not gotten done.) and he pointed out to me that I've got to understand why I was made how I was made so I can be used how I am supposed to be used. I know that I don't fully understand this yet, but this is very good advice, and I'm trying to put it into practice. So one of the things that I am attempting to do better at is start things even if I don't know I can get them done how I want to get them done. This is both a personal and professional challenge, as I have to come to the acceptance and realization that I can't always predict or know the outcomes of life situations. So sometimes, instead of not doing something because I don't know how it's going to turn out, I need to just do it not knowing, and trusting that if I'm on the Path, it will be OK. Even if it hurts sometimes and isn't the most comfortable. This is something I am still working on, and I will probably keep working on it for a long time. This is growth in faith.

I've begun to realize of late how deeply my decisions can affect other people, and how what I say has an impact on other people when I didn't mean for it to. I've got to deal with that reality more and more every day. Not that I ever was, but the more I live in close community with others, I realize that I'm not an isolated man. The things I do and say, flippantly and seriously, have a direct, meaningful impact on others. I find that I need to work better at being aware of what I say, and recognizing that sometimes, the things that I say do hurt people, many times that's bad, sometimes that's OK, because it's a wrong hurt for them. Kind of hard to explain, but it's a growth in my understanding of my impact on others.

If you've followed this blog for a while, you know that I feel like I'm going to be here another year and then leave. I don't know if that's wrong or right, but between a number of circumstances that have happened of late, I've been led to pursue another growth avenue here. That avenue is that I can make plans, I can think I see the path, and that may not be right. I live in a country where it's entirely possible that I won't be here in a year because of happenings in the country. I live in a country and work in a job that I could stay at forever. Life changes. I have to be adaptable.

I'm struggling in some ways this year. At times, I feel more immature than I have in a long time, I feel like the little kid of the place. Some times, I feel like I'm just bouncing along, oblivious to the plight of the world and of my friends around me. Some times, I know I'm supposed to be here, and sometimes I don't see that. This place challenges me in ways I never knew it would. I'm challenged to mature professionally, as I adapt to new job situations, to have a greater worldview of the war that happens around me. I'm challenged to grow personally as I enter into new situations and relationships that aren't always easy. I'm challenged to grow as I find revelations in the calm. Nothing happens easy, but it's worth it.

This is a season of changes. It grows cold here. We just finished Thanksgiving, and we're into the advent of a new season. One where I am reminded of the tremendous power that this world falls under, and the tremendous power that this world is freed by. As I encounter new, meaningful situations in life and I am challenged to grow, I am coming to a perspective, not of throwing away the old recklessly and pursuing the new, but of embracing change. And Change. I can't always keep things from coming undone, but they never really come Undone. The power of the Words repairs all that I break, it changes all that we know, it brings us to a new place every day.

Life happens. As I make my way into the countdown for getting to go home, I find comfort and solace in the fact that this place, these feelings, all this that I know, all will pass away, all is temporary. I am excited for the change to come, I am excited for the opportunities to grow, I am glad for the choice to be different than I was.

I will work to keep from being quiet. I will work to be still. I will work to grow, to know, and to show.


Michaela K. Creer said...

That Every Step blog was right on the money. I think my Thanksgiving was pretty cool. We played basketball in the dark!

Michaela K. Creer said...

By the way you never said why it was funny that you left work at 4:04 pm. I put in my guess and am awaiting results.

Russ said...

You were wrong.

Google 404. Result 2.