Saturday, November 15, 2008

Feet on the air, head in the ground

This will be my 500th post to this current iteration of my blog. This means I'm pushing about 750 since I started doing this in January of 2006 (oh, yah, if you didn't know, I deleted about a whole year of the blog in 2006. It needed to be deleted.)

I'm sitting here in the 'Stan, having eaten soup twice today, eaten half a bag full of mini-Oreos, and trying to figure out what is wrong with me that I have a difficult time accepting it when people do nice things for me.

I guess I just wait for things too long. I guess I just... Some day, I think I might figure things out, but would that be a lie? I wonder if I'm like a general manager on draft day.

It starts to get cold here, and I start to close in on myself. I just sit here and wonder. I wonder about the fact that we've got pictures of planets orbiting nearby stars (Fomalhaut is about 25 LY away. 25!) I wonder about the fact that I live in a place where people still starve to death or die of exposure, and the Yankees are moving into a $1.3 billion stadium, offering C.C. Sabethia a ridiculous contract, and I've read about this stuff today. I wonder about simplicity and complexity, about if I'll ever again want to live in a place where I don't have to worry about how to stay warm in the winter. I wonder if I'll ever have a mantle to put pictures on. I wonder if I'm really deserving to be around people who don't have to wonder if they are a hero.

I start to find nothing but forgery and larceny in my own heart. I say no truths, no consequences, nothing worth repeating or remembering. When my friends leave here after this year, when I leave here, will I have mattered, will I have made a difference? Could I have dropped this and made it out?

Is there a choice in all of this? Is there a place, is there familiarity? What can I really be confident of? Why can't I just surrender and lose and gain?

One of my house mates has a fever and a kidney infection. I've got a sore throat. Others of my friends are sick. Would that we would have no more use for this.

1 comment:

Kyle said...

We may never know the full extent of if we make a difference in someone else's life. We are on the back side of the tapestry.