Saturday, August 23, 2008

Summon air and glades

Before the rest of the days peter out, I just need to use the evidence that I have. And I use it pretty poorly most of the time. Maybe every once in a while I hit the right notes. I'm not sure any more.

It's frustrating to be underestimated or pigeon-holed. I think people don't exactly realize, no matter how many times I tell them, that the job I'm doing now is not exactly what I'm trained at or really good at. And I admit that sometimes, well, most of the time, I am a goofball. But when I do get going on the time that I actually can do, systems design, it seems to surprise people. Which frustrates me, because I feel like I do try to not expect people to always act a certain way according to some preconception that I have, and of course, everyone should be like me.

It's frustrating to be overestimated or have irrational things expected of me. One of my friends discusses his personal problems with me. I basically have no idea why. I have little advice or encouragement to give him, I have little help that is actually viable to share. I just listen most of the time, and don't do a great job of that. Still, he talks to me. I don't get it.

There are times that I have no idea why I was sent to this place. There are times that I think it's because I'm doing a good job, there are times that I think it is because I'm here to be a relief for people, a support for people. There are times when I think it's about my growth, there are times when I think it's about me seeing the growth of others. There are times when I think it's just so I can hang out with a six year old. Whatever the real reason is, I doubt I'll ever know it.

There are times that I think my life here is in someways the breakdown, or pause, or whatever you want to call it in a rock song. The intro is finished, and then there's a quick pause before they power into the verse. It's like the intro to my life is done, and this is the pause before I get thrust into the meaning that I was made for. If that's true, I have nothing to fear.

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