Saturday, July 12, 2008

Just me underneath the ragdoll

I think I'm developing an inner sense of somethingelseness that I need to pursue.

It seems that the longer I go towards the truth, the less I understand what it is that I am actually pursuing. Why would this being bother me, except for my overly frenetic desire to understand and make a difference with the sole action of myself, poorly regarding the Prime Mover and main promise in my life, exchanging it all for a single moment of ill-notified gain? Rather, the focus has to remain on the light and where it does not seem to fall for now. In making this my focus, I can more accurately see where it is that I need to cast the small measure of light that I have been given.

One of my new friends said to me recently that our friends here where we used to be don't always understand us. I find this true, but a greater sense of depth there than what the surface would suggest. I think that my old friends don't always understand what perspective and opinions I have come across on my journey. But my old friends don't always understand where I am coming from, what I have become from where I was, and why exactly I have become who am now, for indeed, I don't understand it myself.

There's just one constant relationship, and that's the one that has made me who I am today. As I wander on in this world, I find that so many relationships are transitory, so many change, so many don't stay the same, so many wear away from what I thought they were, but still one stays. Cycle goes up, cycle goes down, but nothing ever becomes more different than it was intended to be. Maybe put another way, everything in this world falls away. I might wish for my family to change with me, I might wish for my old friends to understand me, I might wish for my new friends to never have to leave, I might wish to meet my wife and carry out life with her. But all these relationships will fade away. One relationship won't. Hold fast hope.

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