Thursday, June 26, 2008

Only in doubt is found

So. Here I am at training, still. And here I am with some more observations.

I am not who I thought I was. I am just me, and in some ways I realize that I am who I wanted to be. And it is weirder and not as weird as I thought. For example, tonight, I went downtown (in an American city of around 500,000) with 6 people, 5 of whom I didn't know before I got in the car with them, all but one of them single girls (and I was going to go before I knew the other guy [the only one whose name I knew] was going.) which just doesn't happen. Or at least, didn't in the past. And I didn't get freaked out or anything at the idea of going and hanging out with a bunch of random people I didn't know. It was weird, but good. I guess Kabul and life there changed me more than I thought.

So. Here I am at training, still.

It's been pretty good training so far, in a lot of ways. The strange thing has been synthesizing and applying what they're saying to my situation of having already been there.

One of the really nice things has been freedom to be more me and more free. I've just gone outside and sat a couple times during breaks. I've been my weird and goofy self. I'm growing less and less concerned with people's perception of me and more and more concerned with just living my life as I feel guided. I don't know if this is entirely a good thing or not, but it can't be bad.

And yet it's just another cycle in my life. Always is, always will. The challenge is not just yo-yoing between two extremes, but finding the balance in the right and wrong of what I am. I just want to find how I can serve better. And if I will serve this way forever.

Farewell to hollow words. Farewell to semantics. Farewell to fake affections. Tomorrow, I will burn, and be light to those who need it around me. Tomorrow and every day after.

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