Sunday, July 01, 2007

The bright stars shining to meet the needful

I should go to bed, especially seeing as how I just got back from Memphis after driving 10+ hours to get there on friday, and 10+ hours to get back today. But the old, can't sleep Russ is back, os here I am, sitting in front of my computer, typing away on ye olde bloge. I don't think anyone even reads this anymore, so maybe I'm writing just to satisfy my own wiring.


I'm starting to get scared. Get scared of leaving. Get scared of changing from my admittedly comfortable and predictable lifestyle. Get scared of moving to a different type of job. Get scared because I go to one day of this two week training session right in the middle because I didn't really want to go to a two-week training session with x hundred people I really don't know, but yet felt I should go to some, and then when I get there, I predictably feel awkward and out of place because I'm me and I don't like meeting new people, and because they've all been there for a week, they're all teachers, and Russ is just Russ, insecure, awkward, columnar, abrasive, yeah. Get scared because I am suddenly beginning to doubt if I'm doing this for the right reasons. Get scared because I'm quitting my job, I'm quitting my job, and I've only really got a five month plan, I have no idea what's going to happen afterward.

It would help if I actually understood this whole thing. Sometimes, when people ask me, "are you excited?", I want to answer, "Honestly? No. I'm really not sure why I said yes I would do this, because I am not experienced or skilled at this job, and I have no idea how to, or if it is even possible that I can, survive in a foreign culture." Sometimes, when people ask me, "Are you excited?", I want to answer, "Honestly? I can't wait to go. I really hope that I will be willing and available to be used by God to do some awesome work, and I know I will have a fantastic experience."

I can't identify with people, I have virtually no ability to have a real conversation with just about anyone outside of a few certain people if the conversation isn't directly task focused, I can't speak any other language, I'm culturally bound up in myself. I have skills, I have energy, I can do anything I put my mind to, I have been put in this place by God, I want to be used by him.

I'm going to take my unstable double mindedness to bed.

Softness, goodness.

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