Light to see

So...

There was a dance party at the embassy tonight. For various and sundry mostly wrong reasons, I signed up to go. Then decided not to. However, most of campus went. Then the couple people I was hanging out with all decided to go. This bummed me out. I wanted to hang out with people so I didn't have to be alone and just go mope for a while. There were some folks watching a semi-depressing movie, and I wasn't in the keep being depressed mood. I didn't know what I was going to do.

Then I decided, I'm not going to mope around! I stuck in my headphones, played Haste The Day, Thrice, Bleach, and some other random stuff while having my own dance party on the basketball court, basically doing whatever I wanted while sort of shooting a basketball, occasionally growling with Haste The Day or singing really loud with Thrice. I did this for about an hour. Then, I decided that I was going to go turn around all the desks in the high school building (as you can tell I was getting rather goofy at this point), when I met one of the teachers, getting stuff out of his classroom. He had been at another activity and had just got back. So we watched a movie.

All in all, my mope-around time turned into a good time. While I was having my dance party on the basketball court, I Talked to my Dad, and we got some stuff worked through that I would have just ignored if I had gone to the party. And then instead of letting me sort of get in trouble like I probably would have for moving all the desks around, I got to hang out and watch a movie for a while.

Then surprise the returners from the party when they got back.

And NOW BE TOO WOUND UP TO GO TO BED, BUT I HAVE TO, SO I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS TO LET SOME ENERGY OUT!

Time to return.

Let

It rained for a while today.

I spent way too much time in thought.

Muscles get sore after a half-hour work out.

I didn't want to be around some people that I had to be around.

Work got ignored and got done.

Shooting baskets for an hour in the dark seemed comforting and lonely.

Equipment didn't work.

I forget and forgot about the faithfulness and hope.

I felt.

Let.

Rest in the cold.

Well, we have no school tomorrow. Instead, we're working on accreditation. So it means that while I will have some accreditation-related work, most of my day will be able to be spent catching back up. To an extent. I know I won't be able to get everything done, but I should be able to get a good bit of it done, and so feel good about myself and my success as a school employee. Probably a vain hope, but who knows.

I do and I don't want to be here tonight. I know I am supposed to be here. I really want to be back in KS, preparing for the end-of-season basketball tournament that I helped run and coached in for the last five years. Having seen the boys grow and mature all year, and now time for the payoff. Instead, I'm here, running after school basketball for guys I sometimes feel aren't listening when I try to help, don't know anything about basketball, and would get beat seriously if I had my KS guys around. I know I'm supposed to be here, but I really don't want to be tonight.

We had a team meeting tonight, and one of the things we were supposed to do was share with each other some things that were bothering us so we could Remember them. Semi-fortunately, we had just done that yesterday in guys group, and the people in my small group were all guys from the group, so I really didn't have to share lots. But when you're in a big room, and trying to talk quietly so as not to disturb anyone, or be overheard by anyone, you feel secretive even when you're supposed to be open. That was kind of stressful for me, and so after we got done, I tried to disappear as quickly and quietly as I could. I went an shot baskets for a while, then secreted myself to my quiet spot, and sat in Thought for a while.

There are many times that I would truly like to see the outcome of my work here, and I am frustrated that I don't seem to be shown that outcome. But then I know something important, something key. Rmns8-twenty four and five are basically saying that if I see these things, then what hope do I really have? So I am doing my best to have that kind of hope, hope in the promise that it will be fulfilled.

This isn't another dream. I have been Directed here for a reason. I just press on.

I press on. To whatever end.

Yokes, burdens.

I've been waking up early, not on purpose, this week. The benefit of this is that I can check my email and blog, because our internet has been crummy at night. I've got to get the IT guy to fix that. Anyway...

There is much that has been going on recently. I've been slightly more joyful, but also more stringent with the kids. I think I'm managing to do it without becoming mean, but I'm not entirely sure.

In my guys group last night, one of the things we talked about was the idea of Hope, and how that hope doesn't mean something we wish for, something we want to have happen. Rather it's a hope in a promise which we have been assured will come to us. We are to live our lives in the knowledge and expectation of that Hope. The promise will not fail, and the things of this life will falter.

I have burdens, cares, and a failing to switch the yoke that I carry them with. There are times that I go about my life, and I cannot see the coming day because of the darkness of night. But as I have been typing this up, the dawn has begin to break outside my window. I'm going to stop this blog entry so I can take a few minutes to sit at the feet, and to find rest. Take the time in your life to gather near them, and find rest.

Surreptitious

I only have to teach P.E. until next Monday or so. This provokes happiness, and a little odd disappointment, since I had been having a much better attitude about it recently.

Yesterday was a good day. I got to see some of the goofy things young children write about animals for their school assignments, and giggle about them. (Like how earthworths are invertebrate because they "wijel and jijle and don't have a backbone")

Since our internet hasn't been working at night, I've been waking up early to check my mail and blog. This is OK, except then I find it hard to quit to start my day, so goodbye!

Everybody... Start!

Yesterday, when I woke up, I was kind of tired. It had warmed up, and I wanted to lazily abandon the great heater turn on project. I made myself get up and do it anyway. I'm kind of glad I did. First, I know people appreciated it, and I kind of lied to someone by not admitting it was me that turned on their heater when they asked me in the middle of a pack of kids. Second, it made me think while I was working. And I realized that I wasn't really having a good attitude about this P.E. thing, I was kind of just resigned to it but not happy about it. So I decided I was going to be actually joyful about it, and happy. P.E. went much better yesterday than it had almost any other day. I'm going to try to do that again today, be really joyful about it.

This weekend, I discovered that I can make my way to the balcony of my building by climbing, but once I get onto the balcony, I can't get into the building. It was fun. I had to ask the principal, who was walking by, if she could come and let me into my house. Funny.

The picture is of one of the toucans I helped a friend finish from class last week. The class drew and colored the toucans, then we cut them out, glued them together, then stuffed them with paper. I had a good time doing, and they look really good in the rain forest, so I'm sharing a picture with you, since I haven't done any pictures in a while.

I am, while hoping that our fill-in P.E. teacher can get here soon, thankful for the opportunity that I have had to do this P.E. thing, because it really has challenged me to be joyful in all situations, especially as it comes at a time that I'm being challenged in other ways and other ares, at first it felt like one more stress that I had to deal with. And it is another stress to deal with, but that is the point. Fire refines, but that refining process can't be little or have a small flame. It has to be hot, it has to get all of the dross out at once. I'm not saying I'm to be going to be completely pure once this is done, but I will have had some of what I hold on to stripped away, and that will be another step on my journey.

I'm in hopeful anticipation of these steps. And I know where my Hope is.

Where the effigies come to halve.

I am poor in most everything, but I will get a crown of kings.

Well. I've really been trying to work today. I've got a lot that didn't get done this last week, and I need to figure out this P.E. stuff. But I'm having a difficult time concentrating today. So I think maybe if I put a blog entry in, then go eat lunch, I may be able to come back and get some stuff done this afternoon.

The index finger hurts because it got bashed pretty good yesterday while I was carrying a TV and had the door I was just about to open, open magically rapidly into my hand, causing there to be a small sized skin rupture on the finger. It was swollen yesterday, but I iced it up for a while and it felt better. I didn't have the energy to make up a creative story for the kids involving ferrets, mollusks, toucans, or snow leopards.

I've been pretty worn down this week. This having to teach thing is really stressing me out, I'm feeling some other stresses about being here, and I'm really struggling to Trust about something and someone I know I need to.

It seems though, that just as I feel like I'm not going to be able to do much else than go back to my room and sleep, I get just the encouragement or energy I need. A cheerful text message. Getting off campus to play frisbee. A smiley face of skittles. A hug from a kindergartener. A funny request from a friend via e-mail. (asking for a witty answer to "What if dogs and cats had opposable thumbs?" since Monday is "What if dogs and cats had opposable thumbs?" Day. Anybody got any ideas?) A nice chat. A good morning Reading. Being able to help a friend. Thanks, friend.

Speaking of the funny request, if you could Remember a good friend of my former boss. He's very sick, and my boss and his family are trying to encourage the friend and his family by sending them a holiday card every day. (M & S, I think you guys are great for doing that. Anytime you need ideas, let me know, and I'll share them here, I'm sure at least one of my readers can come up with some idea).

Earlier today, I strolled down the street because I was hungry and wanted nan. All three of our local nan shops were out since it was 10:00 A.M. and they'd sold the morning's production and no one buys nan between about 9:30 and 11:00, apparently. Anyway, it made me really want to be able to just walk through this city for a while. Obviously, I'm not going to do that, but that's what we have to deal with sometimes, the feeling of being cooped up. I've gotten out a little more than other people, but one of my friends who went to Frisbee Tuesday said she thought this was the second time in a month and a half that she'd been more than a mile or two from campus. I'm not terribly bothered by this most of the time, but some of my friends really are, and it would be great if you could Remember us here during this current locked down time.

It is well.

I took up my pencil this morning, and wrote that I was going to be joyful today on the sheet on the back of my wall. Maybe not the easiest day to do that. But long ago, He made the sun stand still. Who am I to think that He is not good to me today? He will be. He is the holder of the sun.

I got to play Frisbee at the embassy last night. It was fun to get out, fun to see some of the folks again, fun to play. I had to bribe our security guy with chocolate and microwave popcorn to get out.

Dreams of shrinking

The Mr. Newcomer PE experience is continuing. I will be, for the foreseeable future, be teaching the two tenth grade weight training classes and elementary P.E. This also includes a couple other duties of the P.E. teacher's which I am taking on.

I am not terrifically excited about all of this, but it may only end up for a short time, and either way, it is a stretching, growing experience. I keep asking for trials so that I may be stronger, well, it turns out that I get them in more uncomfortable fashion and in areas that I wasn't exactly prepared for. I guess that's how it works.

I have been processing and thinking much recently on how some things I am working through are supposed to happen. With some of these stresses, the stresses of the new stretching P.E. experience, and some other internal stresses that have to do with rejecting a certain Liar, there are days that I don't wake up in a good mood, or with the proper attitude to face my day.

So I took a little time out today to prepare and create a little sheet that I'm sticking on the back of the door to my room. It's a little strange, perhaps, but it's got some stuff on it that reminds me that it's my decision to have faith, that there's joy there to be filled with if I just take it. It's also got spots on it for me to write down days and things that especially made me joyful that day, to help me remember on the days I have trouble being joyful. And I'll steal a block of sticky notes and put them up too for days when I need them. Like I said, kind of strange. We'll see if it works. At the very least, making it brought me some enjoyment.

I was challenged in two ways in our guys group tonight. First, challenged to see my Dad at work in this P.E. teaching situation in ways that I know I couldn't have done something in my own strength. The second, to live a life of hopeful anticipation, especially about one certain situation. So I told the guys what I wanted my Dad to do, and I'm going to expect Him to work in that situation. I know He will, just not exactly how I see it sometimes.

Finally, it's my mother's birthday today! Happy birthday, mom! I bet none of your other sons called you and had a chorus sing you happy birthday! Because you don't have any other sons. Ha! I win!

Within the gale.

Grace can still be found.
I will be delivered from here.
Fear and reverence raise my spirits.
My drowning is not the end of me.
Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.

This has not been a good few days for me. I lie to people when they ask me, say things are fine. I just want to go Home. I know that since I can't get there yet, I have to be here. Inadequacy assails me, and frontiers in my mind that I had thought long pushed back come creeping forward. What am I doing here? Where can I find the answers to all my questions, all my failings, all my longings?

But in truth, this is not what I am here to have discovered. Even though I am struggling, there is no other place I would rather be. The open water here is my only fear, but I'll sail as long as I still have breath in me. I'll swim because I know that I won't make it on my own. I'll surrender not to my own wishes, but to the wishes of the one who gives and takes away. What else do I have to do?

He holds my dreams.

Roses can be many colors.

I bought Blindside's The Black Rose EP yesterday. I enjoy it. I enjoy many things these days.

Yesterday was a good day. I got to make Toucans, I got to hang out, I got to read. My roommate from last semester had a bunch of people down to his new place for pizza, and it was pretty good. Ham and Pineapple, which I discovered I like more than I thought I did.

Today has been fine so far. I've written, I have some stuff to read, and maybe some hanging out tonight. I don't know. I'm in another weird mood, and I don't really know what is going on anymore with anything, except that I need someone Else's help to make it through, and I haven't been asking for or actually taking that help as much as I need to these last couple of days.

If you're wondering, my blogging has not be as verbose recently because I'm writing other place for other people. You all don't get it read what I'm writing, because one of them isn't meant to be read, and the other one is for just one person. Speaking of which, I need to use 10 minutes for that, so bye!

Feathers, Toucans, and Torches.

The week is done.

Day 5 of the Mr. Newcomer P.E. experience is done. Mr. Newcomer really hopes to not do P.E. quite as much in the coming days/weeks/months. I'm just not a teacher. I realize I shouldn't say I'm giving up after only a week, but I don't want to do this and try to get all my other stuff done anymore. I've felt like I haven't gotten anything done, but I have, just not all I wanted to get done. It's been tough.

Today was really not my best day. I'm skipping a party tonight because I just can't be new-people-social tonight. I had a quiet dinner, read aloud for a chapter, worked out, have been writing some, and now am probably going to hit the sack.

PS: Twenty-Four Eleven.

"Colors again," said the herald of shining.

Today, I had a full day. The morning was ridiculously crazy, and I made it worse with my own helter-skelter nature. I barely sat down at my computer before 8:30. Then, I did Kdg/1st PE at 9:00, which was fun, 2 weight training classes wherein we played Bocce, which I guess went OK, had lunch fast, tried to get a couple things done, had lunch duty, 6th Grade PE, 9th Grade boys Health, then had another 20-30 minutes at the computer before car line, then homework club after car line. Immediately after homework club, I went with a friend of mine to get something to drink, then just relaxed and talked until supper, ate supper, went and tried to work out before staff meeting, had staff meeting, which was Quiz/Trivia night (and my team won by 1 point, :P ). Just a full day.

I didn't even mention what's been occupying my background thought processes.

Our P.E. teacher isn't coming back. I want to help, but I can't do as much as I have been doing. Especially if I have to start planning lessons, since I've just been cribbing off of what she left for us. My ideal situation would be that I could do elementary P.E., and other people can do the other classes. We'll see what happens.

Despite the full day, I'm not stressed. Neat things happened today. The Kdg and 1st graders were pretty good in P.E., and they're so adorable. We had soup for lunch. I got a cool little award from the 1st grade class for flexibility. One of the third graders in Car Line asked me if I had a good day, then told me about learning about the rain forest in class. I got to leave campus, just for a short time, and have a quiet relaxing talk with a friend. More little things that I probably have forgotten. It was a good day.

---

"This place will be different. (...) I hope I can make it here."

I keep a fairly regular diary/journal on my computer. Every time I go to make a new entry, it opens at the start of the file. The two items above are part of the very first entry. I see them all the time, and I remember the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that I had the first days that I was here.

And as the weather has taken a turn back to the warmer, as we are into the second month of classes after the break, as the world around me changes and grows, I think back to those two thoughts.

"This place will be different." Far different than I imagined that it could be, and yet already it has become familiar. The language, the community, the work. The smell of propane, the taste of heavily filtered water. The need for flexibility, the desire to be intractable. How long ago was it that I was me and not me? Yesterday, and yet it seems like a decade.

"I hope I can make it here." Weeks like this week, I still wonder about this. I mean, I've been a P.E. teacher the last week. Me! How does this happen? I sometimes feel unable to interact around students, staff, my friends, even my Best Friend. I feel totally inadequate for the job and the responsibilities I have been given. And who knows what's going to happen with P.E. in the coming days.

Yet, amidst this recurrent thoughts, I have a rock that I can hold to, a fortress that cannot be assailed. There is a strength greater than mine own, and I have been given the measure of it that I need for this day, and I will get the measure I need for the next.

Staid and redoutable.

Day 3 of the Mr. Newcomer P.E. experience is over. It was a little different, this morning, I had to talk to the High School students during assembly on flexibility. That is not my favorite thing to do, but I think it turned out OK. Since it was assembly day, it meant that my three classes today basically all were pushed together with no time off, since the lunch duty that I also have to fill was between two of them. So it made the day seem kind of longish. On the plus side, however, I had previously asked some of the other teachers to cover my afterschool basketball, since I had to do homework club. Yesterday, one of the teachers took homework club for me, so I could do basketball, and then today, the teacher who was going to do basketball told me that he would do HW club instead, so I got to do ball again. That made the day good.

We had guys group tonight, and one thing that we talked about that I've been thinking a decent bit about recently is that sometimes, we don't see the results of our labors right away. I struggle with this sometimes, because I don't really see the gifts (that I think I have been given) bearing fruit. I struggle because I wonder if I am doing the work I should be doing. The conclusion I have come to, right or wrong, is that I don't get to see the results of my work, because if I did, I might start to attribute these things to my own abilities and doings, instead of realizing where the credit is actually due. So instead of seeing, I just trust that I am walking the right path, and that the fruit I can't see will be sweeter when the day comes that I can see it..


We are not judged by our own size, but by the substitute we pick to run the race (and mine has already won it).

I saw your name.

Day two of the Mr. Newcomer P.E. experience has concluded. Mr. Newcomer is rapidly drawing some conclusions about his P.E. experience. First, it is a good thing I'm not a full time teacher. Second, I don't think I would enjoy it.

I felt the need to blog, but I don't have much to say here. P.E. is going OK, I'm busy, but not stressed, which is definitely not of my own doing. I'm trying to cut back on my food intake, since I don't exercise enough, but it's hard when there are good things like chicken noodle soup or pizza on the menu. Oh well. I guess I could cut out the chocolate muffins. Nah.

My ears are bringing FIGHTER PLANES!!!!

Well. Day One of the Mr. Newcomer is the P.E. teacher experience has concluded. It began rather eventfully, with a sick Mr. Newcomer. Apparently, the leftovers I had last night were not agreeable with my stomach. Once I was done with my morning hibernation, though, and got some Pepto-Bismal in me, I began to feel much better. So my first class (weight training) was OK, the 3rd Grade P.E. class I had after lunch was good, and 9th Grade boys health was fine. I didn't get all the stuff that I had wanted to get done done, but I got some necessary things done. I went and gamed with my old roommate for a while, then came back and read with a friend. Talked to my folks for a while, and am now headed towards bed.

BUT MY EARS CAN'T HOLD BACK THE FIGHTER PLANES MUCH LONGER!

Erm. This concludes tonight's program.

Mark me with sparks and send me. Send me.

Tomorrow first thing is the great heater turn on project, then a thing to get done before 9:00 A.M., then my P.E. experience starts. I've got 3 classes, 10th Grade Weight Training, Elementary P.E., and 9th Grade Boys' health. And lunch duty and car line. And homework club this week. And assembly Monday morning. And two more documents to get done for the accreditation stuff. It's going to be a busy week.

But it has been a pretty decent weekend. I slept in a little yesterday, hung out with friends for a while in the morning to early afternoon. Looked at and booked our beach front rooms in Thailand for Spring Break. That's going to be fun. Last night, we had a singles Valentine's day dinner. Lots of good food, and pretty good company. I was in kind of a weird mood, parties aren't my thing, and I didn't let myself have a really good time. I'm glad for my friends who care about me and my weirdness, though.

Today was a good day, even if we were on travel restriction. We played frisbee in the street for a while, quit after throwing the disc into the neighbors' yards a couple times. I hung out with friends, worked out, got to read and talk for a while, which was a happy way to end my day. It was nice to come out of the weekend with good feelings, even though I know those feelings alone won't carry me through the rest of the week.

Figuring out life can be tough, and I wish it wasn't. I get what I need for each day, and I must work to be content with my what is it for each day, and not try to gather more. For when I try to see ahead, when I try to take more than I should, my what is it just rots overnight. Instead, I will trust in who gives me my what is it, that I'll get what I need each and every day.

I need to go to bed for tomorrow is the start of a week for me. As your week draws to a close, I hope you remember this land, and Ask that those here would get their what is it every day.

All the rest of that.

[Edited at writer's discretion]

Retreat from our own strongholds, and take refuge in those Given to us.

Come, just sleep.

Today, I am... whatever. Sleepy, but not tired. Uncertain, but not anxious. Underrepresented, but not disenfranchised.

I duplicated DVDs and sent them off today. I worked on reformatting curriculum guides. Had a hard time focusing on much of anything. Had lunch duty.

Random thought. I need to ask people less questions when I should probably not know the answer, and people need to volunteer less information when I don't ask. Sometimes, I get told things aren't public knowledge in the funniest of places. Anyway...

I had the science teacher's six year old son over to hang out tonight. Why, you may ask? See, I like kids. Becoming a father is pretty high on my list of things I'd like to have Happen in my life. Being a father is a couple years off, I don't have any nephews I can spoil, and so I choose to be a semi-uncle to this little guy. We had a good time, ate pizza, played a game with a friend, watched a movie, played some Commander Keen, then sent him home. It was fun. It reminds me; however, that I'd probably be a lousy dad. But that has time to change, I suppose.

I should, but don't want to, go to bed. Whatever.

Not afraid of being alone with only our own thoughts.

Today has been pretty goodish. Got some good work done, had basketball, helped spread the goodness of cherry jolly ranchers, figured out some stuff for our spring break trip. Got a hug from a kindergarten kid. Tacos (I LOVE TACOS!) for supper. Smiles from a friend. Good day.

Someday, I'll lose my need to impress, and I will stop trying to convince the world that I'm something I can't be.

Transparency mode on.

So, frequent readers of my blog will recall me talking about the promotional video I've been working on. I'm honestly fairly unhappy with it. I haven't done any of that kind of editing in the last year, year and a half+, and so I'm rusty and out of practice. I don't like the way it turned out, but I just needed to get it kicked out the door. It has the problem that all of my creativity does - it isn't very. I'm pretty workman-like in my creations, I can do things fairly well technically, but they're dry, boring, derivative things. No spark, no real 'art'. And especially when people tell me that my video is really cool, I just don't handle that well.

Compound with this the apparent fact that people think I'm good at my job, when everyday I feel like it is another day that I'm barely holding my head above water. I don't actually have a good handle on networking, my attitude is too laissez faire for me to pro-actively address problems before the metastasize. And then people tell me, "You're superman." I know they mean it to be a compliment, but it just drives me further into the ground because of my knowledge that I'm really not. See, you know your pride is really bad when you are proud of your false humility.

I'm trying to accept compliments better but it's just not a normal mode for me. I'm trying to be better at receiving things, but that's difficult for me, too. Yet it's something that, as I'm reading through Rmns10 I see more of the importance of doing this. It's not my works that actually matter, but that which matters comes from a different source. And this source is not anything that I have done or have control over. All I can do is accept it, and then try to follow the Way for the rest of my life. My pride should frighten me with an abyss as black as night.

In our guys group last night, we talked about servanthood, and one thing we talked about was the start of the sixth section in the tax collector's message, and one of the questions asked was, "What do you do that no one notices?" I realized that many things I do out of 'servanthood', I really do just to be noticed. Is that bad? Well, it shows where my reward will be. So I'm going to try to do one thing every week that will not be noticed, yet is an act of servanthood. We'll see how long this resolution lasts, but maybe the thought alone will make me more conscious in every opportunity.

My will be a dead man.

To convince the world

Today,

My nose bled because it got frozen, then I scratched it.

My abs hurt because of my workout.

My probable early-on-set arthritis is really bothering the middle and ring fingers on my right hand.

My work projects had conflicting priorities, and I didn't work on the ones I should have, in all likelihood.

My room is cold.


Today,

The lunch hour was good because first, I did lunch duty for a friend who wasn't feeling well so she didn't have to stand outside, and therefore could go relax and hopefully feel better, then second, I got a hamburger from last night for lunch because I asked for one, instead of the spinach casserole.

The afternoon at work felt productive.

The high school assembly speaker used me as an object lesson for flexibility.

The dinner hour was spent quietly and happily.

The high school guys had fun playing basketball for the second day in a row, since I canceled my other Sunday afterschool activity since no one came for the second week in a row.

The power from the city is probably going to last most of the night.

The evening included our weekly guys meeting.

The things that have been bothering me seem less important, in perspective.


Today,

Three events made me happy.
Two things received my anger.
One person brought me joy.
Zero words stole my peace.

Surrounded by such a...

OK, so... I'm decadent. It's winter in Kabul, I had my buddies over to watch Firefly tonight, which meant firing up the stove. And since it's going, I might as well keep feeding it... since I have a small room... I'm wearing shorts and a T-shirt. It's decadent, like I said.

Today was a pretty good day. It started with French Bakery, went to white chili, nan, and chocolate muffins for lunch, then hamburgers and french fried chips for supper, to hot chocolate and skittles during Firefly. Yeah, today was a good food day.

The rest of today was fine. I got the promo video done and sent off with the director to a conference. He seemed really pleased with it, which is good, but I wasn't too happy with it. I've just been out of the editing practice for too long, and I should have done a lot differently. I may start working on it on my off time, to make it better.

It's days like today that I walk out of my office, and wonder what happened that I have been given this opportunity to be here. Who am I, that I could be used, was brought to this place. My skills don't exactly line up with what I'm doing, my life experiences wouldn't suggest that I have the capability to exist here well. My walk is not as strong as it should be, my obedience at times faulty. Even so, I am here, through no agency of my own. And in wondering these things, I come upon a realization of something; this place really is not far different from anywhere else. It is where I have been brought now, I should wonder equally why I was taken down the path that I have been on until now, for I deserve none of the blessings that I have been given. And I am convinced that neither heights nor depths of the sea can take me away.

And I remember I'll soon be dead. And what a day that will be.

Well, I should ha- wait, was that Jack Hartman?

Today has been a day. A day.

It started with my early morning heater turn on project, which involves me motivating myself to get up and out of bed in time to be able to turn everyone's heaters on, while still having time to do all my other regular morning stuff. Unfortunately, there was lots of gas out all over the place, and I between figuring that out, changing bottles, and then filling in morning duty for someone who was sick, then subbing for Kindergarten computer, I didn't even turn my computer on until 9:00. Then, I subbed for PE at 10:40. So my morning was hectic, my afternoon better, I have the promo video done except for the media printing. It took me long enough, though. After work, I worked out really quick, I need to run more, but I have a hard time motivating myself to do it.

Then we had supper, and after supper, I went and helped my roommate from last semester (who lives just down the street now) fix a couple things on his computer, then we hooked up his XBOX360. I say hooked up, because I had helped him figure out what he would need to do about power, which ain't like the states where you can just plug anything into the wall. Anyway, we got him powered up and going, and then we played 30 minutes or so of Halo3. I'm not a huge Halo fan, or a huge console gamer, but it was just a bunch of pure fun to play XBOX in Kabul with my buddy.

The fact that people here talk to me about their issues or their lives kind of weirds me out sometimes. I guess they feel comfortable around me, or that they can talk to me since they know I have a dearth of good advice, and will generally just be quiet and listen. That, or if they come to my office and I have it, I give them chocolate. I think it's the chocolate.

Been reading through the book to the folks in Italy recently. Lots of good stuff in there. I think I'll re-read it once I get done.

My fingers are frozen, it's mid single digits outside, and I think it's as close to freezing as is possible without actually freezing in my room, so I'm going to crawl under my nice warm covers, and sleep.

Whispering Ghosts.

Today was a good day. I hung out, I helped, I went to meeting, but the second best thing I did today was go to the Snow Bowl. We played Ultimate Frisbee today on a clean blanket of fun. Oh, was the snow enjoyable. You see, when the field is snowy, you don't have to worry about sliding as much. You slide more, but sliding and falling doesn't hurt, because instead of falling and stopping, you slide and bleed out some momentum that way. Does anyone know what I mean here? Ultimate was awesome. I was trying not to be too enthusiastic about it so as not to bum out the people that couldn't go, but it just rocked. And I played pretty well, so that's always a plus.

A couple of years ago, I was at a sort-of party, it was a potluck where we were playing games. It wasn't my turn, and I started to kind of zone out. In fact, I totally zoned out, and had a moment where I didn't know who I was, or where I was. It lasted about 5 seconds, I was kind of freaked, then I remembered I was at a potluck, then who I was. It kind of freaked me out, though, to not even know my own name.

I was at an orientation a couple years ago, and they were talking about maintaining discipline in the class. One of the things the leader suggested that we do was call misbehaving kids out by name because names are power. They assign responsibility, and call attention.

I think American culture has lost a lot of the richness of names that there was to be found, and is to be found in other cultures. To us, names are merely identifiers, labels of a sort. Back in the older times, a name was power. It defined a person, and when significant enough events occurred in one's life, one's name could be changed. Now, in American culture presently, the only name changes are for purposes of becoming lost, or becoming married.

I've also been reading Vernor Vinge's True Names, in which a True Name is distinguished from an 'online' or virtual-world name. And a true name is power, because it is control over the individual. This harkens back to an earlier idea, I think a druidic idea, that everything has a true name, a name that can grant an individual absolute power over a thing that he learns the true name of. This theme is also present, as I recall, in the Earthsea novels by Le Guin.

And make no mistake, names are power. Names cause the world to recognize, they cause the different to be recognized. Names identify the guilty, and give hope to the innocent. Names relay a picture of a person to those who know them. Names find.

in some worlds, names begin to lose their significance. We're traded in for a number, a different identifier. To some, that seems dehumanizing. To others, progress.

I never liked my full name growing up. Probably because my full name only got used when I was in trouble. Now, I wonder, is my name me? Does my name define me?

No. In fact, only one name should define me. And it's not mine. Lost was I, but no longer.

All I have been given in this world is more than a king could ever wish for.

Bent save one raising.

I watched a movie tonight. The kind of movie that makes me angry. Movies don't usually make me angry. News stories don't make me angry, usually. But there is one kind of movie, one kind of story that is guaranteed to make me angry. Stories or movies in which men trade their role as protectors for the role of predator. To prey on the weak or disadvantage, to exploit one's strength to do another harm, this dishonors a man more than any other action could. And in some cultures and in some times, this is regarded as a virtue.

I had a good day today, except for my reaction to the movie. I got some work done, I hung out and worked some, I got some things done for the director which needed to be done. I worked on the promotional video for a while, then after I got to the point where I was staring at it for too long, I made an outtakes video. It's moderately amusing. There's one part that is pretty fun. I was cracking myself up while making it, and disturbing those who were actually trying hard to do real work (sorry!).

The fairest one never has ceased to call my name, though I am bent as the rest.

the deepness

Innocent names lost a mote of power
the moment it seemed I came around
fortify the walls and think not to cower
the name will never stay in the ground

Silent names never lost their grace
even when hidden beside a flowing brook
unwhispered, they saved my true face
alone in the solace from the name I took

Bright names in the murky gray will shine
with the sudden flash before the thunder
spoken pride never holds back the dark
a single name rent the world asunder

True names over us hold their sway
solid cornerstones support the frame
we rise from despair and hope they may
absolute is the power of a single name

A simple word

Earlier today, I was taking video of the school. I decided, "Going up on top of Bldg C might get me some good shots, I got good photos last time we went up there." So I go on top of Bldg C, get some footage. Go to leave, and try to pull the door open, and it absolutely won't budge. Not opening at all. Nothing happening. Those doors have the spring locks, and I figure, I'm definitely locked in. On top of Bldg C. Great. Now, I had just seen our admin assistant walking into BldgC, so I figured I could call her instead ofone of the maintenance staff or any of the teachers, and have her come unlock the doors so I can get down. She comes up, looks at the door for a second, then pulls it open, and says, "It wasn't locked."

So, figure out what I did? That's right. I tried to pull open a door that I should have pushed, and then figured I was locked in. I figured it out as soon as she pulled the door open, so I just said, "Well, I couldn't get it open. Maybe it was stuck."

That's me. Solving problems wherever I go.

A pretty good day did I have today. I got up a little late, which made my morning a little rushed. I never have problems getting up when it is warm out, but when it's cold, getting up is the last thing I want to do. Anyway, then it was barfing out, and none of our maintenance staff was here yet, so I decided to shovel a path in the barf so our kids and staff didn't have to walk through it. I would get a path shoveled, look back, and there was barf all over again. I had barf all over my hair, the kids were tracking barf all over the buildings, but it was a good workout, and I enjoyed shoveling the barf.

Barf is the local word for snow. Sorry, that was kind of juvenile, but I enjoyed it. The fresh snowfall was one of the most beautiful things I saw today. I know it causes problems for people, especially those with mud roofs, but the country needs the moisture, and it was just so nice looking coming down.

Anyway, I worked on the promotional video more today, it's mostly there, just needs polishing. I got into a snowball fight with high-schoolers around lunch (fun), got to help out sick friends (fun), play taboo (semi-fun), and now I'm blogging.

The more that I live here, the more I see that I have a chance to have an impact on people's lives. I remember thinking and writing before I left that I would just be back in the shadows, never really affecting people, but supporting the people who are making a difference. I see now that this is a short-sighted view. Everyone, anyone can have an impact, can make a difference in the lives of others. No matter what our skills or our vocation or personality.

I have again a theme that I want to develop before posting. Stay tuned, there could be a deep post coming in the next day or two.

Accelerate.

There is nothing that can be done to realign the primary coils that manifest themselves as a singularly unknown set of confidence factors. We try to be the left and the life to the ones who forced behind the simplicity, but the kindness that gets thrown around like a bandoleer of string stooped to that level a long time ago. The westernmost outpost put out a new set of living standards a while ago that reduced the courteous to a blubbering mass of reliquarian cold. From the sadness wrested a sight fortuitous and friendly, the six legged scone with scrupulous tendencies toward oscillation. It's the admission of a great return from the daring trough that couldn't have found a blue flame in a white bottle of candlesticks.

My will be a dead man.

For some reason, I have become rather... hyper tonight. We had a team meeting tonight, the purpose of which was to have an evening of enjoyment. So we had some standup comedy, some funny video clips, some humourous songs, a good time. Then we read some more in Silent Planet, and I came back to e-mail and blog real quick before going to bed. But my generator was on. Rather than turn it off, I'll just let our staff turn it off at 11:00 P.M. while I enjoy lights, solid wireless, and not running my battery down by playing music loud. So this blog post has been taking a while, as hyper me is listening to Project at full blast, and occasionally taking a second out to pretend I'm in the band, or scream out lyrics with Andrew. I can't think of any time that I've done this quite to this extent in the last couple weeks. And it's not because I'm mad or anything, I'm just hyper. I had a good day at work, I'm working on a promo video for the school, and I'm having a blast getting footage and editing. And I've had basketball the last two days, which I enjoy so very much.

And, I've been Reading some pretty incredible things recently. I changed my Reading pattern since I got back, and it has proven to give me enough of a different perspective on why and how I Read, that I've felt that I have been actually seeing much more.

Finally, requests for Pr. My fellow staffers from here, Jeremy and Rachel, just had twins, a couple weeks premature because of complications. The girls are small, but expected to be OK, but still need your . Also, a friend from Omaha, Katy, just had her first boy, about 6 weeks premature, and while it sounds like he'll be OK, he's going to be in the hospital for a while, too. Thanks for your remembrances.

There is a brighter way.

It's the big things and the little things.

It's having my music player randomly pick a song I haven't heard for a while, and that reminding me of who I am, and who I know.

It's feeling like I'm really starting to accomplish things in a certain work project that I need to get done soon.

It's snow for a dry and needy country.

It's getting to help my friend out by helping in her class for a while.

It's watching my guys play basketball on a slick outdoor court with snow falling all around, and having a blast.

It's a good group of guys to have community with.

It's fried chicken for lunch and pancakes and !!! for supper.

It's two matching sets of skittles.

It's e-mails from friends.

It's issues affecting our whole school starting to get solved.

It's the encouragement of a quiet Word, right when I need it.

It's a smile.

There are times when I choose to let big things, negative things drag me down. There are times when I let little things drag me down. There are times when I miss opportunities put in my path. There are times when my prideful heart refuses to let me do the things I need to.

And then there are times when I can see who holds our dreams.

Unashamed I wish to stand one day.

Call me anything you want.

Today has been a mostly good day. Some minor frustrations, some wasted time, but I get over it. The day started out well when I left for croissants at just the right time so I hitched a ride there with our driver, instead of walking both ways. That was nice. It was warmer than usual today, I didn't even use the heater in my office after lunch! We had soup and homemade bread for lunch, which is another plus. And then corn for supper, along with potatoes (again, a plus) and some not-exactly-my-favorite chicken casserole. Spent the evening with friends, first, I watched an episode of Firefly with a couple buddies, then went and looked for spots to stay over Spring Break and then got to just chat.

One of my big worries in my initial coming here was my ability (or lack thereof) to fit in with new groups of people. It took me a while, but I think I've found the niche I can exist in. This I am so grateful for. I'm grateful for my friends here, who aren't my friends from back home, but have filled roles I needed. I'm grateful for someone who will ask me how my day is going, and who I feel comfortable enough to be able to really tell because I know they truly do care, and who stop, sit, and talk for five minutes in the midst of a busy day because they can tell I just need to get some of this out. I'm grateful for someone who I can talk with about very personal things. I'm grateful for someone who just wants to hang out with me, and let me hang out with them.

I'm also very grateful for friends back home who have stayed in touch with me. Even though I'm not there, you folks can make me feel like I'm there with little stories, telling me about what you're doing, what's going on. I never mind getting e-mail like that, send it to me whenever you wish.

I've been impressed the last couple days that we really do get what we need when we need it. I've heard or read things in the last couple days when I really needed to. I've had conversations that needed to happen. I had a friend stop by my office yesterday, when I was having a... weird day, and ask me how I was doing, and then take the time to listen, encourage, and just be my friend. I had a fellow staff member say something to me later yesterday, out of the blue, pretty much the exact moment that I needed it. I had the ability to be honest with someone when I needed to be. A friend of mine had a good day teaching while having a not great of rest-of-life day. All of these things came at just the right time. He has given us things exactly when we need them.

He holds our dreams.

A glass can only spill what it contains.

Frustrated today. Taking a few moments out to blog. For whatever reason.

It frustrates me how quickly I forget the peace I've been given. How quickly I turn from joyfulness to restlessness. How quick I am to abandon the simple trust, and forget the things I asked for just hours earlier. New every morning, and still my soul is not like that of a weaned child.

I was awake early this morning, so I turned on almost every classroom heater on campus. Only one person said anything to me so far about it. I don't know if I want them to. I don't have a lot of doubts that people don't know it's me, but why do I do what I do? There really isn't anything of value in me. Maybe that's how someway soon I will begin to be used.

The ascent isn't as far as it seems to be from here.

This can't be the great peace we all seek.

Who holds our dreams?

Some of us went to a party at the embassy tonight. I wonder why I went. Really. I left early, with some of my friends.

Much thinking today. No resolution of anything.

All that I want to give gets caught between every rib. What does that make me?

To whatever end.

So, I haven't posted a lot other than random writing recently.

School has been kinda busy, I've been bouncing around between a number of different projects recently, and haven't exactly felt like posting about work. I've been slowly getting things done, but not as many as I would like. That's OK. It's cold here, but it is slowly warming up. Tuesday, I went and played Ultimate at the Embassy, which was much fun, my team won and I thought I played pretty well. It was also very nice, I had a hat and gloves on, but I played in just a long-sleeve t-shirt and pants. Work went fine on Wednesday, even though some things frustrated me.

Wednesday and today have been nice, relaxing days. I played games and talked with friends most of last night, then after doing a little bit of work this morning, I had breakfast and played games with friends. We sort of goofed off for part of the rest of the morning, then we decided we were going to get a book out of the school library, and read it aloud together. So we settled on C.S.L.'s space trilogy, and started reading it. We had lunch, read some more, then worked on our various and sundry job-related stuff (they did teacher stuff, I did tech stuff) for most of the rest of the afternoon. We had the science teacher's 6 year old son hang out with us after he had to deliver something to one of us. That was nice fun, and his folks were OK with him hanging out with us for a couple hours, for some reason. Then, we went out for supper, the whole school staff. Since we haven't been allowed to go out recently, that was fun. Now, I'm back here, posting about what I've been up to recently.

We were talking last night about a couple different things, and I've been thinking about some of them more. One thing I keep wondering about is, was my decision to come here and then to stay here the right decision to make? I would like to know, oh, how I would like to know. All I can do now is have faith that I am here for a reason, and that even though I can't see it, I will follow to whatever end.

Who holds our dreams?

I remember I'll soon be...

I used to have a little dinosaur in my room. This dinosaur stored change, and I rarely opened the bottom to remove its meager gains. (I used to be a small child, without the means or necessity to accumulate change very fast.) As a child, I used the dinosaur, in conjunction with the miniature Godzilla my uncle brought back from Japan for me, to terrorize the Hot Wheels on my neato i-board. The dinosaur provided both enjoyment and a sense of fiduciary responsibility.

When I was an older child, I acquired a lemur, a gift from my sister after a visit to the Memphis Zoo. Since then, the lemur has been a constant friend, present in a spot where I regularly see it, like in front of my computer or on the ledge by my bed. It, and my flying squirrel, have been fairly faithful in being there when I need them to relax or rewind.

This is an interesting phenomenon, I find. I've abandoned the hard plastic solidity of reptiles and the cold metal assurances of loose change for the soft comfort of the stuffed lemur and squirrel. But I like this.

Even better is that I have traded the black and white reassurances of my childhood for the more full understanding of the comfort and knowledge that I have received since. For it isn't found in the fire, nor in the wind.

And I remember I'll soon be...

Forensic aprobation

There was this little sticky mollusk near my office window the other day. The mollusk couldn't find a handhold for his rapidly reclining shell, so I decided that I would help him out a little, and find the closest one for him.

"Why thank you," the mollusk said, "That was so very kind of you. I had no other option but to fall."

"I understand that," I replied cautiously, "which is why I decided to help you out."

"But I wonder," the mollusk continued, as though I had not spoken, "Would your response have been similar if I had been an apricot instead of a mollusk?"

"Well," I began to answer, when the mollusk rudely interrupted me.

"Because I have this feeling that you do actually care for apricots, and so would not have seen the value of the apricot as equal to the value of a mollusk, and as such would not have saved it. Am I right?"

"Apricots don't climb walls. Or have hand holds for their shells. So if there would have been an apricot on the wall, I would have been rather distressed." I thought this was all very logical.

"Dude. I'm a mollusk. In the middle of winter. Outside your office window. What are you standing on?"

Suddenly, I realized that the whole story was just a set up for one of those awful cartoon scenes where the main character flails their arms and legs off of the cliff before plummeting to the earth.

Reflections and Rayleigh Scattering

OK, I usually try not to blog before work, but I just have to today.

I woke up this morning around 5:30 to the beautiful sight of a waning moon shining a dull orange into my room, right on my bed. It was amazing, made me kind of glad I don't have curtains yet. I just laid and watched it for 15 minutes, and marveled at the work. Then, as I was doing my morning rounds, I looked up into the clear sky, just starting to blue from the Rayleigh scattering, to see my friend Luna again, his whiteness spotted with age.

Ain't it something to know we're lost, and have no guidance to make it on our own?

No misconception for the last

And to wit, a thought has been growing in my mind recently. Many thoughts do this, grow, take hold for a short time, and then fall away. I have no confidence that this thought will ultimately be any different. Nonetheless.

There are many things that I fear. Many things that I wish to never experience. I keep thinking of the words recorded by the one who was known by who loved him, said by the One who loved him, in fftn thrtn. And the thought grows that these words do not just refer to my life or my death, but by my actions as well. We spoke tonight in our study about community, and what we do to build it and what hinders us from doing it. I know that my personality is one that does not require large community, just a few close friends. And yet, one of the things that draws people into our Community is the way we interact with and love each other and those outside of us. I don't do that well. I need to do it better.

So, I'm going to try to start. I'm going to try to learn the name of at least one of our guards every week and greet them by name when I see them. I'm going to try to show my friends here that I do really care about them, not just by doing things for them (which is my natural mode), but by genuinely showing interest in them if I can. I need to be a genuine expression of light and love to the people around me, I need to set aside my own life for the sake of the Life that matters.

Now, I say I'm going to try. Will I succeed? Not if I try to do it myself. Not if I try to do it alone. I have a help in this, in that the guys in our own little Community here at school are committed to building the community as we can. I have a greater help as I try to sleepwalk through this, and he will never falter.

My hollow completion won't get me in.

Well, the final test day was a success. It was cold, it was long, it was during school, but except for one unregistered examinee, it went smooth. That was nice. The rest of the day was fine. I worked out again, which makes me feel better. I hung out with my friends, which I enjoy. I sought, and was answered, which reinforces my peace. It was easy to be joyful today. It may not be tomorrow, but I shall try to make the choice to do it anyway.

I know I have been a little bit of a rambler recently, and so I won't ramble. I have this thought that has been kicking around in my head recently, but I'll wait until tomorrow or later to present it to you, then maybe it will be more fully formed.

Security is a more growing concern here, and for one of my friends in particular in his role here. If you would remember him, I would appreciate it. There are many things occurring that cause him stress. It can be difficult for all of us to remember that His favor is a shield.

And as vast as the sky is...

sheesh, I post stories and poems, and no one says anything??? Are they that bad?

When I woke up this morning, I decided I was going to be joyful.

You know, the days I decide that... sometimes those are the hardest days to carry through on it. We had city power all night, but then the generator for my building (and two other class buildings) wouldn't start. And I got to be the one to discover that at 6:45. And make the semi-executive decision to do what it took to get it started. Then unprepared, stand out in car line so our national staff could get some classroom's heaters going, because they were frozen. So I got very cold standing out without a hat or real gloves. Then, I didn't have much I could do until 11:00 AM when it finally got started. That was frustrating. Then, the whole rest of the day was off. But I got to do carline, which I almost always enjoy. And work out.

Tomorrow may be rough as it is internet-based-language-test day, and we have to do it during school. But I'll decide to be joyful tomorrow morning, too.

I have come to a developing conclusion that I am the most responsible for my own attitude. See, I think happiness is an emotion, but joy is a state. And emotions... well, they come, they go, they are high, low. Can't always exactly control them. But our state, well, that we can control. I can choose to be joyful regardless of my circumstances. I can choose to let my emotions get the better of me, I can choose to let the things that I feel rule me and be in a state of constant turmoil, or I can make the conscious choice to be joyful, peaceful, and content. When I make that choice, how I feel doesn't matter. What I see becomes not the immediate rocks in front of my feet, but rather that which is on the hills.

I am thankful in every Remembrance of you.

The Open Skies and the Crimson Seas

I'm sitting here in my office, doing a little bit of work before lunch. It's so cold, I have the propane heater going full blast, it's been going for about 30 minutes, and I can still blow directly at it from 18 inches away, and see my breath. Anyway, I came up with this story/poem/thing, and had to share it.


Rashid was a mariner
forswearing the land
in hope of the ocean

Rashid was a mariner
slowly catching seas
beneath his new keel

Rashid was a mariner
finding the far gale
so to propel the men

Rashid was a mariner
rocked gently in bed
but waves all around

Rashid was a mariner
never to drown alone
a crimson sea is his


Even though the skies are cold, and the land seems dark, the sunlight brings warmth and comfort to all. One day, this will fall away, and the first will be nothing compared to the sequel.

Incandescent

Aphorism to convey what's been going on. No words. I don't deserve anything that I have been given.

Moonlight

The forethought that went into the simple action of pressing one button... the mind quails to consider it.

The voice of the new moon called out to Michael, simple and quiet. As it passed overhead, pace sedately reflecting Michael's approach, he considered how his thirty two years planetbound on Earth trained him to think of the moon as new and old, when it was really just tricks of perspective, the position of the moon relative to the sun. Soon, he would be planetbound again after five years on the ship. The new moon beckoned him to enjoy her pale warmth, the gaunt reflection of things to come. After living with artificial lighting, video terminal displays, and for two seconds, a bright fire, for over one hundred and fifty million seconds, the natural sun would feel good upon his skin.

A blade of polished obsidian came up beside Michael's shuttle, a cutter to guide the ship into its docking station. It fastened itself to the ship, then began gently firing attitude control bursts. Michael felt the shuttle shudder slightly as he got up from the chair to go back to the galley to make himself some supper. The docking would take another fourteen hours, a small time in the scheme of things, yet he knew it would feel unbearably long. Then, another two week gravity reacclimation process, and he would be allowed to return to the ground of his birth.

As he ate a gloriously tender steak, Michael's thoughts wandered far and wide. He had spent his time before the main, serving as a zero-g plumbing expert on the Oort Runner Landmark Mountain. The massive solar sails that had powered the Landmark on the way out had required constant maintenance, along with the life support plumbing. And Michael Coady had done it all, for five years. He had put up with his nominal supervisor, a wet behind the ears Fluid Dynamics PhD, who had spent six months belittling the six years that Michael had spent at a Lagrange habitat as "easier than the challenge our moving environment provides," until Michael had figured out how to reroute hydraulic fluid for the sail around a micrometeor impact, while the PhD was calculating acceptable levels of lubricant loss. He had put up with the cramped quarters that he lived in, the snoring bunkmate, the partially rehydrated food. The separation. Now, it was soon to be done.



Michael went to bed that night with the new moon waxing brighter overhead. He had spent more than he should have on a private cabin on the shuttle back, but the moonport had made the expense worth it. He just didn't feel quite ready yet to interact with the world at large. To sit next to some overweight business man from trans-martian space and listen to him pontificate about the Emergency didn't seem to Michael to be the best way to reintroduce himself to society.

He awoke to the increasing sound of the alarm clock. In the weak gravity, he pushed himself up and began the process of waking up. After his breakfast, he began to collect his few belongings from where they had scattered during the night. The ship was to dock in three hours, and he wanted to have all his paperwork cleared so he could just walk off the ship, to the grav clinic, and then to home. The hours and days leading up to the return would be long, but they held the delicious taste of anticipation.



Inside the grav clinic, Michael's muscles and joints were slowly rehabilitated into something that would be able to function on Earth. He would never be able to run a marathon or play rugby, but he would be able to walk and move about fairly well. It was a small price to pay for his salary for giving five years of his life away. It was a small price to pay for the time that he had spent on the ship. Before he had left, he had been told that this experience would change him, would turn him into someone else. In the grav clinic, as he laid reading hard copy books for the first time in nearly twelve years, he began to formulate an opinion on what he had learned while he was before the main.

He had left thinking it was about earning his redemption. That it was about starting to make payments for the one thing that he couldn't accept happening. That thought had followed him for the two years that they were on the way out. When they got to mining station and had began to fill the emptied hold of the ship, his thoughts started to change. As he saw the deposits of rare and precious minerals began to accumulate, he had known what the difference was between why he had come and why he had been led.



His two weeks were over. He went down the old way, like a rock, ceramic heat shield protecting the cargo and passengers from the inferno of reentry. He had the money to take a plane down, the safe way. But he wanted to feel the tension, the suspense of being out of control. Michael Coady was coming home from space, and he wanted to do it in style.

They made it just fine. He took a day in the groundside hospital, making sure there were no ill effects of his reintroduction to gravity. He did feel weighed down, and he tripped on stairs more than he would have liked. Still, he just couldn't stay in the hospital anymore. And so, Michael checked out of the hospital. He walked to a nearby park as dusk fell, and stood in the outfield of an unoccupied softball diamond. There he stood for a few hours, soaking in the moonlight as it coolly graced him. He thought about what was to come.

The cool of night came on, prompting him to move. Michael made his way to the nearest boulevard and hired a simple cab to take him to his destination. On the way, he spoke to the driver about the area, about how it might have changed since the last time Michael had visited. The driver had spent a term on a wet navy ship, and they compared notes about how their two environments were the same and different. It made the time pass by just a little faster. Finally, the cab arrived, and as Michael slowly got out, the driver pulled his simple bag out of the back and set it down next to him. The driver extended his hand to Michael, and said, "Proud to have met you, sir." Michael took his hand in as firm a grip as he could manage. As the car drove away, Michael looked down at his bag. For the first time, he was amazed that he had managed to live from that little for so long.



Now that the moment was finally here, Michael couldn't bring himself to move. But he couldn't put it off any longer. Slowly, he made his way to the door. There was a simple button beside it. Michael lifted his finger to it, and paused. It came rushing back to him. The day he had left, he had sought redemption. He had sought to repay his debts. Somewhere in the vast infinity of open space, the need to repay had fallen away. It had been for redemption, but he had seen that it could not be gained just by seeking it.

Slowly, his arm extended, and he heard the faint tone from inside. He held his breath... and smiled at the words that came from inside.


They say write what you know. I don't know if that's good advice here. This is one of the most deeply personal stories I have written in a long time, and I don't know if I have the proper perspective or separation to handle it right. The story, in various forms, has been kicking around for a month or so. I was missing the element of the moon until recently, and I also didn't know what was said to Michael at the end of the piece. I added the moon in today. I decided not to tell you what was said, to seal it up with me. Maybe you get the parallel?

I also know most of the orbital science and physical description of the travel is probably wrong. I'm not an astrophysicist, and it doesn't really matter to the story.

A servant's heart and a tongue to obey.

Would You still take me?

I want to post, but there really isn't anything here other than what I feel. And what I feel doesn't make for interesting reading. I guess because I am who I am, I post anyway.

Today was hectic. I felt like I kept bouncing around all morning, then had an hour or so reprieve, then bounced around more. Because my apartment is only heated when I fire up the stove, and I don't want to fire up the stove if I'm not going to be there for less than about two hours, I have no real desire to go to my apartment. So I stay in my office until supper. And of course I have stuff to do, but sometimes, I don't want to do any more. I guess I could go work out, but there are other people that work out before supper, and I would rather work out alone. I guess I need to just stop whining.

I was going to call home tonight, but then I let someone else borrow my phone because they said Skype wasn't working, and I have lots of phone units because of whose phone I got at the end of the semester.

We had our team meeting tonight, and it was a really great time until the end, when we broke into little groups to Talk about the things we are afraid of. I don't want to talk about that with other people. I... more than anything else, I fear hearing, "Depart from me." And... I don't know what I should do. I know I need to accept what has been given to me, without condition or string. I know I need to give back, not in an attempt to repay, but as an expression of love. I don't know how to do that.

Don't I wish that I was stronger? I wish that I could stand here and tell you that just because I struggle, doesn't mean that I feel like I don't have answers. But I don't. Somehow, I need to obey this idea that I don't even understand, I need to follow this path that I can't see the end of. I want to have strength so that I can shine to those around me, but some days, I can't even see to the end of my arm.

All I want to give gets caught between every rib. What does that make me?

What does that make me?

Heliometer

I have good intentions, but no exit for them to come out right through.

I spend my days in pursuit of that which decays. I have to refocus.

I'm really tired, and should be going to bed, but I just have to say that I'm everyday amazed that I can be in this place, that I can be a part of the fellowship here, that I can have the friendships that I have here. Nothing in my life has led me to deserve this, and nothing could I have done to earn it. I wish to be worthy of those around me, but I know that this doesn't happen through my own agency.

Oh, that I would desire none other than that agency, in all that I do, in all that I say. In everything, that He would be first.

Taking a look recently, I've got to do better. I can't do it just by myself. I must dedicate my life to the Love without which I am nothing.

I choose to be joyful, even though I'm tired. I choose to be peaceful and content, even though I don't see all the paths that I wish I could. I choose to sing and Talk, Read, and grow even though it feels hard now. I choose to lose.

The deep blue sea.

I'm more than a little grumpy today, and I'm trying to let it go, but I can't, and I think maybe complaining about it here might help. Also, since maybe two people from Kabul read my blog, and they are probably the people I would complain to, I figure I can complain here just the same.

We have a new staff person. This person called me at 11:08 last night because they were locked into their school building. First off, I don't think anyone, even if they are new, should be in their office until 11:08. Second, I had been in sleepland for an hour or so, and then I couldn't truly go back to sleep. So I had another night of not terrific dreams, combined with laying awake thinking. Unfortunately, I'm just not in the best mood today. I shouldn't even be blogging in the middle of the day, but I think maybe this will make me feel better. We'll see.

Good news is that Student Activities started this week, and we're playing basketball today. Should be fun.

In between who I want to be and who I am

Well. As a holiday, yesterday was nice. After my last blog entry, we had a snowball fight, which was slightly complicated by the fact that the snow wasn't the best for packing. We had about 12 of us out there, and had a blast. Afterwards, a couple of us went over to our nice, snow-packed soccer/volleyball court and played small-field Ultimate Frisbee, which was fun. I had skipped Frisbee the day before because of the holiday situation, midweek Frisbee had gotten cancelled, and I couldn't get a driver for the week before. So getting to play was enjoyable. Our science teacher's 5-year old son played with us, for a 5 year old, he can throw the Frisbee pretty well. Then we did order out (it took a couple different calls to different restaurants before we could find one to deliver to us), and had a big little dinner. Then we had a little birthday celebration for a couple folks whose birthdays fell during the break. It made me glad that I deleted my birth date off of the server list, so now no one will know when it is, and I won't have to deal with a silly celebration. Maybe that's a flaw in my personality, and I... no, wait, that is a personality flaw that I've been working on for the past couple years, sometimes more unsuccessfully than others, that I don't take compliments or things of that nature well. Don't really know why, don't want to throw myself into another introspective funk while I try to figure out why. Wow, that wandered from a discussion of my activities. Sorry.

I brought back more music with me, discs that I had never ripped, lots of older stuff. I'm finding that there was about a two-three-four year period that I was really, really into heavy, hardcore, 'evil-devil-music' type of stuff. And that was mostly what I brought over. And I have less enjoyment out of that than I did then. So I brought back some older cds, discs that I really dug when I was 12, 14, 16. Maybe it's just an oldie phase, maybe that it's just that I'm mellowing a little here and don't need 'angry' music as an outlet, maybe I'm just a neophiliac (hey, I thought that might be a neologism, but the spell-checker recognizes it...) and since I didn't get lots of new music, this is a way to get new-old-music. Anyway, I'm really digging the last O.C. STones album, more than I recall liking it previously.

My good buddy jetlag, which I thought I had banished to the hinterlands of next trip, he came back. I think part of the problem is that I went to bed at 9:30. See, in my new apartment, I'm the only person who lives in that building, since I have a generator 'all to myself' I'm pretty much in charge of turning it on and off in the evenings. (Well, it gets turned off at a certain time, period) Because I'm essentially a weird person, I don't like to turn it and spend fuel and have lights and to charge my computer for a half hour or so. This leads me to write, e-mail or surf for a while on the omni wireless signal, but because I have had nothing heating the room all day and therefore more comfortable under the covers, I just end up going to bed. So I go to bed early, I wake up at weird times, like 12:19 A.M. Furthermore, this morning, I got some sleep after that, but broken up, dream-filled, and fitful. So in terms of being tired, I'm more tired today that if I had just had 4 hours sleep and then laid awake in bed. I really wish I had laid in bed awake instead of this fitful dreaming. The dreams were that bad, which always happens in those kind of situations where I wake up and then nap for a while.

I got my luggage today. I am kinda happy about it, but also fairly indifferent to most of it. I had about resigned myself to not getting it, which would have been frustrating but OK. Except for the presents and stuff for other people. Loosing that would have disappointed me. But the rest of the stuff? The clothes, the junk food, the random stuff? I didn't need it. As I was thinking when I was packing and moving out twice in two weeks over break, I have all this stuff I don't really need. I'm mobile, (fr)agile, do I really need another X pounds of stuff? At least a good bit of it is consumable. And for other people. And the stuff that was for other people, they were really happy to get. I'm... happy to be able to give to people. I really need to work on receiving from people. I just get uncomfortable when people thank me profusely. I think I'm too self-centered, and I just see myself in relation to them and I think about everything else that goes on in my life and in my head, and I think about how I don't deserve any thanks, praise, compliments. Getting deep again, starting on a different track.

I have this theme that I have been thinking about or writing about a decent amount recently, and it's something I don't understand. So I'm going to write about it here, because sometimes when I have to put my thoughts out for public consumption, I think of them in different ways and I start to understand more.

Yesterday during staff meeting, we spent a couple minutes having a group discussion on our reasons for being here. And I really don't understand why I'm here, or what it is I'm supposed to do here. Oh, I mean, I know what my job is, but I don't see the reasons that I stayed, and the purpose for my being here. I can see my somewhat selfish reasons, I can see my hopes for what I want, but I don't really understand any of it. There are things about my life that I am trying to figure out, and I'm really working hard on Talking about, on being honest, on being open and trying to talk about them and to talk to others to get advice on them. I feel like I'm not making real progress most days, as my thoughts about these things oscillate rapidly. Other days, I 'find' I've got things straight, only to 'find' that that's not the way. I know I'm not Dependent enough yet to have real answers, which frustrates me, but also challenges me to grow.
And a weird part of that growth is that some of my friends are doing what I find it uncomfortable and difficult to have happen. They're telling me about their problems. They're asking me for advice, in some cases with the very same things that I'm struggling to understand, in other cases with situations that I have no frame of reference to be able to help them with. It's a challenging, humbling thing. It's an area I need to grow in, but it's hard for me (which is why I get the opportunity, I guess). When my friends are hurting, I want to do more than just give them some words, I want to do more than say, "I don't know why this is happening, but don't Forget in this time." I want to really encourage, I want to say the magic words that will help them forget their pain and focus on what lies ahead and above. I don't have those words. I try to turn to the one who does, and maybe I have given some help, maybe not. I don't think I'll ever really know. Maybe that's part of one reason why I'm here. Because I don't have the words, because I don't have the full ability to encourage, and because all I can do is say, "Don't Forget." Because I need to grow, and this is preparation for something in the future. I think me being here is as much about me growing as it is about me doing anything. I think I needed to be here because I was getting in the way of my own real growth where I was once. I think I needed to come here to be here for at least one other person at a particular time.

I was looking back last night and tonight at a lot of my old writings. I wonder sometimes at who I was once. I see things that I need to begin concentrating on more, namely the Walk. Taking out the things that are in the way because I put them there, and focusing on the things that have been Given to me.

Last night, it was clear and cold out. I went out on my balcony for a few minutes (all I could stand in the cold.) It was beautiful. There was this ever so slight breath of the earth, like a gentle caress on my cheek. After an initial fit of... loneliness, instead, I took the opportunity to focus on the vastness of the sky above me, on the size of me in the midst of that. As I stood there, I could almost see the banner of the Lion on the breeze. I wish I could see it every day. The hills were covered in snow, and the sunlight bouncing off the moon onto their frozen faces made them just barely visible. I think I will go out again tonight, and lift my eyes up to the hills.

The race we run is a marathon.

Holiday here, so no school. I've done some work, we had a staff meeting, I got my hair cut, and I'm taking a few minutes out of some other work to blog. And we're going to have a snowball fight later today. We manage to enjoy ourselves, even during the bitter cold.

And it is cold here. But I'm surviving fine, and I have the warm weather to look forward to. I'll probably get my luggage, hopefully intact, tomorrow. Since it was a holiday, we didn't have cooking staff here today, and so there's a big pile of dishes that I may go attack later, because I'm me. Some of us are going to try to order out for supper, since we can't go out because of the holiday. Not sure if they are going to deliver or not, but maybe...

There is a difference between how I used to be, and how I find myself now: I'm not here to stay, my friends and I don't mind. Think about the vastness ahead of us, and I shrink away. But I know that this place is not my real home. I'm not here to stay.

Breakthrough the pyrite

As I readjust to life in Kabul, I have lots of observations to share with you.

- It's far colder here now than when I left. Even though I have the towering inferno in my room, it's still cold often, especially because I don't want to fire up the stove if I'm not going to be in my room for less than two hours. I made it through the end of last semester only using the gas heater in my office two days, and other random times for long enough to warm the room back up. I've already ran out the bottle in less than a week of being back by running all three panels for all day. I need to rig up a heated keyboard somehow...

- Since it's colder, it makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning some days. I have my regular morning activities (showering is now included, since my hot water heater is fixed, and I no longer have to worry about hypothermia), and I've added turning on heaters for a couple people, so their classrooms are semi-warm when the kids come in. The third graders let me a neat note this morning that I have hanging on my wall now.

- Life doesn't stay the same. Because of the cold, staff departures, staff arrivals, my moving, and other stuff, life feels subtly different after the break from where it did before the break. That's taken a little realization, that how I thought things were before break aren't how they stay forever. But you know what? That's OK.

- Me and my good buddy jetlag are about to say goodbye to each other for a while, I think. I did only get 4ish hours last night, but after I woke up at 2:30, I dozed some for the next three hours. Which I hadn't done yet, and gives me hope that my jetlag is about done. I can go on low sleep for a while, but eventually there comes a point when I can't, which shouldn't hit for another two weeks, by which time jet lag should be history.

- Having my good buddy around has given me plenty of time to think in the past couple days, like I mentioned in an earlier post. This isn't always the best situation for me, because my brain runs and runs and runs and runs. Yesterday morning, it was going miles a minute, all my worries, my insecurities, my lack of faith and trust, all these things taking their own turn at assailing my mind, making me wonder why I thought I could come back, pointing out my lack of ability to do the things I am supposed to, pitting my self-doubt against my critical nature. Making me doubt if I came back for the right reasons. This had been going for days... but yesterday morning, I stopped it for a while. I started Talking instead of thinking. I Talked about my struggles, about the things I don't understand. I Talked about things my friends had asked me to. I Talked about the things that I have seen Done in me in the last few months. And I had another little breakthrough of sorts. I saw that by taking my focus away from myself, I began to see myself in a more proper context. I felt that the things I am being taught now aren't about skills, aren't about what I can or can't do, but rather about having faith in what is Planned. That I'm not here to do this or that, to make plans, or to have all wisdom and knowledge. I'm here to Follow, I'm here to obey even when I can't understand. I'm here to be Used, in spite of mine own failings. I'm here because I took one step when I was told to Go. I'm here for reasons I'll never see. I like to see and know, and it seems like every few days, months, weeks, hours, I have to relearn the lesson that I don't get to know everything when I would like to, and I have to Trust. Wish I could learn it once and for all, but I'm grateful that He chooses to still give me the reminders I need and the strength to persevere.

- If you read the news, you know that some bad stuff has happened around here the past couple days. The last one was the most sobering reminder yet of the situation around us. I could grow extremely concerned about myself and my safety easily. While I do think about it sometimes, and while I do try to be careful, I know my life is in Hands not mine own, and everything happens according to the Will of the One who loves me and holds my life.

- I still don't have my luggage. I want it, and I guess I'll get it someday, but if I don't... that's life. I want the material possessions in there, but if I don't get them, I won't cry. I will miss getting my running shoes... my rolos... my books... the presents for people... the presents especially. Oh well. Such is life.

- I have terrific friends here.

- I have a neat thank you card from the Third Graders on my wall, and that is really cool.

- I have to start work now.

The bodies that we still war against.

I and the towering inferno are a comfortable pair. He burns well, I feed his gaping red maw on a semi-regular basis, and are rewarded with good heat. I need to slow down on the amount of wood I burn, and let it be a little colder, but it's been truly nice so far.

School started back up today, and it was nice to see the kids again. I didn't have the best day, I woke up at 2:00 A.M. this morning, became unreasonably crabby when I had to walk across campus at 6:00 A.M. to get a hot shower, and since the power had just come on, only got three minutes of hot water. But I feel clean, so that's a plus. I just washed my hair the past couple days, since my water heater isn't working, and I think if I took a full shower, I'd get hypothermia. I feel kind of guilty complaining about not having a hot shower, when there are plenty of people here who don't even have the money for wood or gas to keep warm. I have power, internet, good food, clean water, a job, the ability to go to America...

So sometimes, in the middle of the day, I need to take a couple minutes out to gain perspective on things. Yeah, the stupid copier is jamming every fifteen minutes. Yeah, I'm not quite sure what I need to prioritize to work on next. Yeah, my luggage isn't here yet. But so what? I have more than I need. There are worse problems than a jammed copier.

Part of the issue with jetlag coming here for me is that I wake up at ridiculous times, and then can't go back to sleep. And so I have lots of time to think about things, just laying in bed. And you're not fully coherent or conscious at those times. Since I've had over ten hours to do that in the last couple days, I've thought a lot of not exactly coherent thoughts, thoughts about a lot of things. I'm anxious and uncertain about a lot of things going on, things I don't know, see, or understand. Combine the anxiety with lying awake thinking, and just the weariness of jetlag, this is a recipe for my tired depression. Today was just long, and then after work I went back to my room and was moping around. I started to Read, and was reminded of where strength for today really comes from, and where my cares really should go. So I took some time to try to place them there. And that helped. Not that it fixes everything with me instantly, that it gives me guidance in all these situations that I am trying to chart a course through, but the release of worry gives a sense of freedom. And casting away my anxieties doesn't mean that the problem disappears, but that I am having faith and trusting that I am not the one who has to take care of everything. Someone else is already taking care of me.

So, for now, I put my life in not mine own hands. I could have sunk myself, except for the winds of grace in my sails.

Wolf am I (Where is the still life?)

I did not get my luggage yesterday. I am more irritated about that than I should be. I don't actually *need* any of the stuff in the luggage, it's just all stuff I want, and some stuff for other people, and some stuff I paid good money for. So I guess I'm not as disconnected from materialism as I wish I was.

My battle with jetlag continues. I woke up yesterday at 2:30 A.M after going to bed at 8:00 P.M.ish, so six hours, not bad. I had been up for about 48-50 hours with only about an hour or two of sleep, so I was tired and fairly pleased with my amount of sleep. It's aggravating to lay in bed for a long time, but that's ok. However, last night I went to bed at 9:30 p.m., and I woke up at 1:30. And could not return to sleep. So today, I'm semi-coherent and semi-crabby.

One thing I've realized over this break is that I'm semi-compartmentalized in my life, or put another way, I adjust fast to differing circumstances. Being in the states was just, "Boom, I'm back" and no adjustment seemed necessary. Here, it's sort of the same thing, I feel like I'm here, and I'm ready for life to be semi-normal again.

Normalcy is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

Mark me with fire and send me

Ok, so I'm tired, jetlaggy, and introspective. I made it back home in Kabul around oneish yesterday. I never did get my luggage, although I may get it today if the airline did forward it like they said they would. So there's that to look forward to. Yesterday, I went out and did some shopping, played some games, figured out how to light my woodstove, and did my best to stay up as late as possible. I went to bed around 8:00 P.M. and woke up around 3:00 A.M. this morning. And have been awake ever since. Consequently, I'm a little tired and not exactly firing on all cylinders. I got unpacked in my new place today after meeting, and I think I'm ready for work and life to restart back to some semblance of normalcy tomorrow. It is cold here, and I have really appreciated my wood stove. I had on shorts for a while in there today.

Words. I write a large number of words, here and elsewhere. I speak a large number of words. Do I ever really know what effect those words are actually going to have? Should I type or say some or any of them that I do? It seems as though I never have actually managed to win over my nervous garrulousness, and that I say so many more things that I ever really should. Sometimes I do actually say something that matters, but more times than not I don't, it's just all verbal incontinence, just all pretty sounds and empty nothingness.

Well, see now, I should delete that and not post it, but I post it anyway. What does that say about me?

The ghost of Descartes asks again in the dark, "Oh, how could I have been so wrong?"

And, guess who has been experiencing delays and lost luggage again. That's right, your intrepid hero. Delayed in Wichita, delayed in Chicago, made it at JFK, but my bag didn't get on the flight to Dubai. They are supposed to be here in about 45 minutes on a later flight, if they don't, I guess they get shipped. So, we'll see how that happens.

I went and saw I Am Legend over break, and I watched 3:10 to Yuma on the Emirates flight over here. The first, I initially didn't like how they entirely changed the ending, then the more I thought about it, I liked the way they changed it, just not the way they executed the change. It felt half-hearted, like a studio thing tacked on because whatever the director wanted to do "wouldn't sell." I think if the theme had been more developed throughout the movie, I would have liked it more. Now, 3:10 to Yuma? Fantastic movie. I watched it because I like Westerns, and I am a Christian Bale fan. But the movie was just terrific. The protagonists were real characters, the villains a little caricatured, but overall, just terrific exploration of the themes and the characters' lives. It just came out on DVD in the states, if you haven't seen it, SEE IT. I can't say enough good things about that movie.

There has been a lot going on in my head recently, a lot of things I saw and observed while in the U.S., things I've seen and heard on the way back, that are rattling around in my head, fighting to become a real essay. I'd try to start typing it up now, and we'd see where it would go, but I'm not sure if there is any actual substance to my thought process.

Instead, I wrote up two little short stories while sitting in the Chicago airport that I will share with you. Here they are, appearing in print for the first time anywhere. Inspired by the bizarre things people wear, or odd parallels I saw.

Coonskin

Then, there's guys like Stephen. The kind of guy whose grandpa gave him the coonskin cap that Stephen's dad had long ago discarded, probably sometime during highschool in the sixties.

At age 15, Stephen supposes that this is some kind of ironic metaphor on the cyclical relationship between father and son. Stephen wants to study literature in college, and particularly thinks thoughts like this after overdosing on the New York Times book review page. Stephen already has the vocabulary down, even if he doesn't have the ability to use it.

The coonskin cap became a prize possession to Stephen, a kind of warder against the encroaching growth of a society increasingly concerned with the latest new thing, a kind of reminder of the transitory nature of popular culture.

Stephen wouldn't have written this down, so I had to do it for him. He may thank me in 12, 13 years, if he ever recognizes himself in this brief sketch.


Trans-generational Ear Gear

There lies a curious symmetry between the two Bluetooth-headset-adorned travelers. One, clearly an early-twenties, bleached blond college girl, on her way to a semester of learning, fun, and airborne pollen allergies. The other appears to be some sort of businessman, perhaps in industrial packaging sales, or maybe a forensic accountant for hire. Have adding machine, will travel.

Each one exhibits the cliched behavior of their respective demographic markets, with one exception that becomes all the more shocking for its commonplace nature. Indeed, if a hundred thousand conversations were monitored at this airport in one day, the monitor wold be hard-pressed to find two other conversations discussing competitive ambidextrous dart throwing.

The case the man is carrying could, just possibly, just maybe, hold the newest craze in the ambi-dart world, the asymmetrical CrossHatch 5000, the newest, most difficult practice board for ambis with asymmetric eyesight problems.

Once more, the open water

Wore stripes last time as a referee for the Jr. High girls and boys. It was a little stressful, but enjoyable. I didn't T up anyone, either. I showed great restraint.

Heading back today. It's been a great three weeks, I got to see almost everyone I wanted to, and some people I hadn't thought I would see as well. I've enjoyed being with family, I've enjoyed central heating, but it's time to go back.

I may blog a little bit from airports, but the next time I do will probably be from Kabul. Miles to go, ere I sleep.