Feet on the air, head in the ground

This will be my 500th post to this current iteration of my blog. This means I'm pushing about 750 since I started doing this in January of 2006 (oh, yah, if you didn't know, I deleted about a whole year of the blog in 2006. It needed to be deleted.)

I'm sitting here in the 'Stan, having eaten soup twice today, eaten half a bag full of mini-Oreos, and trying to figure out what is wrong with me that I have a difficult time accepting it when people do nice things for me.

I guess I just wait for things too long. I guess I just... Some day, I think I might figure things out, but would that be a lie? I wonder if I'm like a general manager on draft day.

It starts to get cold here, and I start to close in on myself. I just sit here and wonder. I wonder about the fact that we've got pictures of planets orbiting nearby stars (Fomalhaut is about 25 LY away. 25!) I wonder about the fact that I live in a place where people still starve to death or die of exposure, and the Yankees are moving into a $1.3 billion stadium, offering C.C. Sabethia a ridiculous contract, and I've read about this stuff today. I wonder about simplicity and complexity, about if I'll ever again want to live in a place where I don't have to worry about how to stay warm in the winter. I wonder if I'll ever have a mantle to put pictures on. I wonder if I'm really deserving to be around people who don't have to wonder if they are a hero.

I start to find nothing but forgery and larceny in my own heart. I say no truths, no consequences, nothing worth repeating or remembering. When my friends leave here after this year, when I leave here, will I have mattered, will I have made a difference? Could I have dropped this and made it out?

Is there a choice in all of this? Is there a place, is there familiarity? What can I really be confident of? Why can't I just surrender and lose and gain?

One of my house mates has a fever and a kidney infection. I've got a sore throat. Others of my friends are sick. Would that we would have no more use for this.