To be silver and good relief

I got to go running this morning. I'm finding more and more out about myself all the time. Just because they don't means I don't have to.

This discovery keeps bringing itself back to me... I am my own agent for chaos, agent for growth, agent for change. I have this battling sense, however, that I must surrender these desires to be my own initiator, my own reason for doing what it is that I do. It is as though I must choose to not choose, to choose to give up my right to choose. I wonder about things - how much can I have career goals, or career plans when I am trying to follow the lead? How can I break away from this sense of immobility, because I'm trying to be mobile? How can I defeat this feeling of control when in truth, I need to be powerless?

How can I be more, when I feel like less? How can I be less, when I feel like more? How can I see, when I need to be blind? How can I be blind, when I need to see?

Days I feel like this, I am reminded that I live on tension, that we all should. When one walks a tightrope, one wants tension. One wants to know that the rope is stretched as far as it can go, for in that tension, there is safety and security, if one submits to the tension, feels the tension, uses the tension. So alive...