She's the queen...

I'm beating my head against a wall, trying to discover why my previously working software has suddenly gone poof, so I'm taking a break to blog here. I don't have anything of substance or of mediocrity to post, so instead I just go ahead and leave the inspiration to respiration, and post what comes to mind, which is usually toast.

It comes as no surprise that I, in point of fact, do not actually understand what is going on in my life, in the world, or in the reducing state that is my short remaining impending time here in America. Different people have different understandings and expectations of what my reaction to their question on, "Are you excited to be going?" should be. See, I've already processed all the excitement. I mean, I do get flashes of it, but mostly, it's just an accepted reality. I'm not the kind of person that really worries about today or even tomorrow. I worry about a year from now, five years, ten years. But at the same time, the immediate future does concern me. I guess perhaps I'm really just a person who controls the things that he worries about, and consciously or unconsciously varies those topics for worry. So perhaps the real question is, why do I change my answer? The answer is, I don't. I just have different answers at different points in time.

the other thing is that I'm going over to serve in different ways than people might normally expect. I'm not a people-oriented person. I am an information or task oriented person. I'm going over to enable others to do their jobs better, to be a background guy. I'm going to be behind the scenes, not really seen or with a role easily understood by some. I'm going to be invisible when the job goes right, and there when something goes wrong to pick up the pieces. But I won't be out in front or a vocal presence. This may contrast with what some people expect, and maybe I'm limiting myself, but I believe that we are used in ways that we don't explain or understand, and that many of those ways are extensions of the person whom we already are. And though I often desire a twisted sense of fame, I know that in myself I'm nothing but words of the meaningless.

Nothing.

Someone else is out there who will serve to fulfill the public, vocal roles. I'll be in the back, making sure they can concentrate on that.

In the end, if there were to myself and another person in a room, you could watch for a while, and quickly say that, "She's the queen..."