Yay.

We're all fine here.

But this is a little worrisome.

It looks like SOMEBODY's planning for the end of the supply line

We like to be prepared, and if that means we have lots of extra junk food, so be it.  On the plus side, we don't have to worry about running out of some of our favorite things (like instant cake or Jello or M&Ms) soon.  We've been accumulating the stuff on this shelf over the past year or so.

Work is going OK.  Still frustrations, but maybe the expectations were too high. 

I've been working out and am pleased to report that I'm at least not getting fat!

I also stayed up too late reading last night.  Curse the Kindle!  No, wait, don't curse it.

Dawn is coming

Things seem like they are starting to break out of the slow, long slog that is January and February. This is, unaccountably, a Good Thing (tm).

Last night, we had the science teacher's kids over to watch Lilo and Stitch. Watching movies with 7, 5, and 3 year olds is fascinating. You never know what kind of reaction they are going to have to particular parts. I was often tempted to laugh hilariously at mundane lines just to see if the 7 year old would laugh along with me.

It is cold here, but hopefully trending up soon. Not lots of snow - only two days of accumulation and that's only still around in the shade.

I have been doing more management-esque work projects. Bleh. I have a technical one on my desk that my need to 'do it right' is preventing me from getting to. I just need to get in and do it. I was going to do it with Ruby On Rails, but now I'm thinking I may do it with Python and Django.

That's all for now, folks!

Expanse (or What The Prisoner Dreamt Of)

Moody and introspective.

It's not been the best stretch for me. I'm frustrated by living here. I am frustrated at my job.

And I have been thinking.

I am trying to read more these days. One of the things that I have read recently was a collection by Schaffer. One of the things he talks about is how the hillside experience, with a towering chorus and reassurances that they were receiving good news, would have left the shepherds irrevocably changed. I read that and wonder, have I been changed? How often do I, or do I really, evidence that change? Am I the same as I used to be, or have I been changed?

I think this often while I am here. Am I really living as I should? What do I need to do to change? How can I see the fruit of His change in my life?

Perhaps I could just list a list of simple things? But that feels trite and rehearsed, as though I'm listening for an echo of the former things. Perhaps I could look back and see the ways that I have changed? Yet when I do that, I wonder if I am settling for less than the best that could be offered to me, and if I am failing to push on and push ahead.

Sometimes I realize how much I have to grow and mature when I rail against the lack of care and consideration that is put into my life. Then I also fail to really strive after that care, so is it my fault, or the fault of those who I thought would invest that in me? It seems to me that often, here in this context (I speak of a larger context than just my current place and time, but in the life of living outside of one's home culture for the purposes I have chosen), we fail to pursue our own walk with the zeal that we should. I know at times that I say, "I am over here, isn't that enough?" And I think that in many cases and at many times, the answer is no, it is not enough.

I don't think it will come as any surprise to those that know me well that I stress out about the future. When I consider myself, I can't tell if I live in the present or look to the future. I am excited for the future, and just want it to get here. But yet the future also frightens me. I am about to be married. Am I focused on that or am I just focused on getting done with the current state of being single? (Does that question make sens?) Am I talking too much about what is to come without regard for what is now? I need to find a job, and while I have peace about it, I'm also terrified that it's a self-delusional peace born out of my inherent laziness and avoidance of anything even remotely resembling planning?

When I wake up in the morning, I often don't want to get up and go to work. The last time that happened, I feel like it was Him pushing me on. But aren't I doing what I thought I was led to do here? The conclusion I come to, then, is that it is my attitude that is the problem. It's not the people around me that irritate me, it's not the environmental or cultural factors, it's not the job or the boss, it's just me.

How do I resolve this? How to understand, embrace, and walk through the fact that I am not and will never be all that I wanted to be? How to find the truth that I know is out there ready to be grasped if I only would?

I want to be in the company of men given something to say. I guess I have to be one of those for that to happen.

And behind your eyes

Today, we had a celebration of a book that some of our students
contributed to essays. We had a skype call to another continent that
I had to manage. It was kinda fun, we had speakers and a sound system
hooked up, along with a video camera, and we had about 100 members of
our community come. It was a good time.

Last night we had a mini-dance party to celebrate one of the teacher's
birthday. I am not a dance party person.

Woohoo!

What Keeps Us

It's been a busy, and not busy, time since I last posted. I'm working on a project to update our school information system. Well, more accurately, replace it with a new piece of software, and that takes time. And I haven't gotten other projects done that I need to get done. I'm nuts sometimes.

D and I are doing good. We keep each other pretty balanced.

I'm working through depression and trust issues. I Trust that we are going to be taken care of in the future, that I will find a job and that it will be Made better than anything I could imagine or foresee. It's kind of hard to keep the right Perspective on that sometimes. I know I need to do that better, it's kind of hard to figure out how to do that sometimes. I get depressed thinking of how my personality traits can hold me back, instead of focusing on how they can propel me forward.

The older I get, the less clear and straightforward everything is. The less sure I get about anything and everything, and the more I wonder about this world. Not the things not of this world. Those I know.