This must be...

Well, I'm not as unfrustrated as I could be at this point.

Apparently, I am currently the only person at church who is capable and willing to run sound for services on Sunday. This is distressing, because I don't want to do it all the time. I have other things I help with that, a) I think are more important and b) I enjoy more. While I'm trying not to close off the sound area, I just don't have the desire to do it. I've told them I only want to do it a week or two a month, and I'm really, really going to try to stick to that. I'll feel bad if that leaves them hanging on the vine, but I also definitely do not want to leave my kids hanging on the vine. Some of these kids I have had for a year and a half, and even though I might not be the best teacher, I do have a decent relationship with some of them. And I don't want to make them think they aren't important or anything. So, yeah, this is aggravating.

On top of this, I am not as content with other areas as I could be. I know I'm not walking where I should as far as prayer, real devotions, or being truly concerned about my fellow men. Ideas and abstracts can tantalize for longer than we would like. In my little world, in my sad little world. Like chains on me. You say you can set me free, you want to set me free?

I looked at the trap, Ray.

Now I'll always be the same, but how you think of me will soon change.

Sand will only sleep

So...

I got the new computer Monday, and I was real excited, opened it up, looked at the new GTX 8800 that has 768 MB of RAM and more Transistors than my E6600 Core 2 Duo, got stuff installed, was configuring it, got a little worried because the Hard Drive was making a regular clicking sound, but figured it would probably be ok. Started playing Comapny of Heroes, I'd get 5 minutes in and boom - computer locks up. Did a couple of different diagnostic tests, I'd get lockup. I even got a lock up on Memtest86+, which just doesn't happen, apparently. So, last night, I'm in this funk because I know I'm going to have to hassle with a return (and also because material things have such an impact on my emotional state). I decide to run Memtest one more time, and then see if I could swap my RAM for the Antiphonal Dissonance's, when I noticed that the power cord for the side case fan was tangled in the CPU fan. Which resulted in the clicking, and the CPU overheating.

Company of Heroes is awesome, and looks cool on my now-stable system.

Basketball Vs. Reno County tonight. Should be good games.

The temporary pleasures of a season

I walked over to FedEx at lunch.

WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

It's too bad it's not 5:00 P.M. yet. I would so be home and playing games. My life is so cool. Hopefully the computer isn't DOA.


It's sad how much I'm feeling excited over this temporary pleasure that really has no lasting value.

more than treasures

A shadow of what's real.

My boys played 4 games yesterday, 2 per team. Won all 4. We won our second H.S. by 1, on free throws at the end of the game. It was the first time we had led since we led 1-0. We were down 18 at half. I have no idea how we came back. Jr. High boys won the second game by three, mostly on a three one of the boys hit with 15 seconds left. It was a good day of ball.

I got my car back Friday. Rebuilt transmission. Much fun. Then I proceeded to drive it into the ditch last night coming back from Mom and Dad's. Just had to get it towed out, but it was embarassing and stupid. I just keep repeating the story to destroy someone's preconceived notions of me.

My computer is in Salina, they tried to deliver it yesterday. Now I just have to figure out how to get Fedex to hold it so I can pick it up from the FedEx office. Conveniently enough, their office is right next to mine. So hopefully it will be easy. I don't know.

Aphorisms aside, the time is just passing by. Maybe I'll find some retraction in the release.

Iron Bars...

My computer shipped today! My car is in the shop! I'm doing my part to support the economy!

Ball game tonight. Should do pretty good.

I am really enjoying Thrice's Vheissu CD. I think some people that read this blog might enjoy some of it, others wouldn't enjoy any of it.

In unrelated news, no embarassing moments involving cashiers to report. Go me.

Spice

Or, Melange.

Anyway, got my CD's today. Thrice, Skillet, Sigur Ros. I think it'll be cool. Additionally, my computer went through QC today. It's got a 24 hr. Run-in, so I figure it should ship tomorrow or Thursday. Finally. Maybe it'll be here Monday...

Work was kinda there today. At least I could farm the phone call for warranty support out to the intern. Sorry, Alan! I know you love doing it.

Decided not to go for a new car. Got a different quote on my car, probably ~2500 for the transmission. We'll go for that, hope to get a couple more years out of the car. Still, annoying as all get out.

Not in the fog.

This is a throwback to the earlier heyday of this blog.

Today hasn't been stellar. I feel like an angst-y fool even typing that. The things that I can control have gone poorly, while the things that I can't change have gone fairly well. I'm a lousy basketball coach, my car is in the shop and will probably need to be replace, I can't help people do their jobs because I communicate poorly. I'm getting fat, I can't work on my writing because I don't have the motivation, I don't have a girlfriend because I refuse to, I just goof off all the time that I'm not working, I spend way too much money on junk food, I talk about things that I never do, make resolutions to change and then always stay the same.

I don't know where the beginning, middle, end or anything lie. What's the climax, what's the falling action, what's the catastrophe or the denouement? Why do I refuse to take the path that leads to the way where I won't ever have to walk alone on? I don't even know how I got here. I don't know if I really even dislike it.

I bought a new computer, then my car dies. My computer still hasn't shipped, so maybe I can cancel that. Maybe I shouldn't do this anymore. Maybe I should be stronger, maybe I should be weaker, maybe I should just not care anymore, maybe I should be the start, maybe.

The finish isn't what I said it would be when I started down this road. Where I could stop isn't where I am right now. I don't know if I left it, or if I never really knew where it was to begin with. Maybe. You can always change. You can always fight. Right now, all I know is that it's not as bright or as it once was. I need to fight to fall or to fail, and I just run away to the comfort.

Maybe I can actually sleep tonight.

Maybe I can find the depths or the heights. Maybe I can make the right decision. Maybe.

What a waste of talent and space I am. What I could have been, I let what I shouldn't have become overshadow me.

It's cold. I don't like it here.

All I have left is profanity, so maybe I'll try to sleep now.

dudshoveit

And... it's official. The transmission is dead. $3500 to replace.

Guess who's probably going to be getting a new car. Great. At least I can absorb it. Great. Just great.

At least I'm materially blessed enough that this is more of an irritation than a devestating crisis. Sigh.

Dreams of Torella

Went into McDonalds for lunch today because I forgot mine at home.

Russ : "I want a Big and Tasty with only Ketchup."

*Pause*

Russ : "Do you have diet ketchup?"

Counter Girl, Instantly : "No."

Russ (Mentally) : "Holy cow, either she's well trained, didn't listen, or people ask for that ALL THE TIME."

*Pause*

Girl : "I've never heard of Diet Ketchup!"

Russ : "Neither have I."

Girl : *Looks at Russ strange, lets the manager that Russ knows give Russ his food.*


My new computer probably isn't going to be here for *ANOTHER* week. GR. GRRR.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure my transmission is gone. So, now we'll see how expensive that is to fix.

prog·nos·ti·ca·tive

Went to see Children of Men today. Outstanding movie. Really, really good. Good.

I think the transmission went out on my car. This _is_ a bad thing. Grr.

the raging streams

I, as you may be able to tell, have changed some of the visual style of the blog around. I may be randomly putting new stories on the sidebar. Read and enjoy.

Also, I have been playing around with Windows Movie Maker today. Videos that aren't the best or coolest in the world, but neat and... well.. neat, are what I am making.

Always the emblematic


So I found myself resiliant, alone,
ready to abdicate the regal throne,
cast down for silence set in stone,
redemptions neither cast nor blown,
tension creeps in lace she's known,

Along a path of levitation I stole,
enticed by a creed to make my goal,
snow falling by shapes found whole,
simply happy to see carbon or coal,
black as night and eager as a foal,

lightly brushing, now see the hour,
weasel gone away from silent scour,
ever to follow nor hungrily devour,
a repose where fog sought one dour,
sad child who once abdicated power,

all for a sentence of laughter and,


I'm going to try to revise some old writings. Maybe I could work some of my wretched, modernistic, poorly formed poetry into them. Maybe.

Simply to believe in the abstract is not enough. One must be redoubtable and redouble one's efforts to change the images, the preconceptions that have been formed when our actions take root into habits. Speech patterns, behaviors, interactions analyzed and reduced on some instinctual level to form a picture, right or wrong, of the behaviors we find ourselves in.

This pain is here reminding you to leave and come back home.

So I'll just sew...

I thought when I rebooted the blog I would quit with the whiny personal stuff. But here's some:

Quit asking me when I'm getting married. No, I'm probably not going to soon. Maybe I'm not exactly thrilled about that, either. Maybe it is choice, but we can be unhappy about our own choices. I walk where I shouldn't and where I should, and it isn't alone. Take your comments, take your comparisons, take your questions. My name is known. I'm nowhere near the falling action or denouement of this story.

Provisional misdirection.

Twisted sense of fame

Brief aphorism intended to convey the magnitude of my obviously important emotional state.

What went before

6 ballgames in the last two days. My Jr. High boys lost two yesterday by fairly significant margins, then won today by about 20. A couple of guys really stepped up and played very well.

High school got blown out first game yesterday, then played a great first half the second game, only to come out flat the second half and lose by 7. We won today then, by about 15 or so. More good performances by a couple of guys.

Stopped by work on my way back home... 12 e-mails, 4 voice mails. It always seems like the days I'm not there are the days that something bad happens. 15 e-mails in the inbox when I arrived home then.

Now my computer isn't expected to ship until 1/17. ARRR! Maybe I should just cancel the order...

What side you didn't know

Sean somehow prompted me to start listening to Sigur Ros. I keep hearing words in the nonsense. I don't know whether to be comforted or freightened.

My new PC has a ship date of 1/11/07. Argh.

Signature Supplantation

What are you optimistic about?

This is one of the more subtly profound comments that I have read recently. While I am not a social phsycologist, I find some of the comments that Mr. Haidt makes to be particularly trenchant in my field of Computer Technology, or my 'where-I'd-like-to-be-but-could-never-make-it' field of Science Fiction as well.

In less worthwhile news, I have purchased a new computer. For gaming. I also bought Company of Heros so that I could have some really cool game to show off my computer (until Supreme Commander gets here). You may now denigrate me about how I haven't moved past games. Thanks, take a number.

Happy New Year